Are our "EXPECTATIONS" set correctly?

I wanted to follow up with you regarding our lunch meeting last Saturday.  As usual, we had a really good discussion and God showed us and reminded us of some very important things.  One of the things was regarding our "expectations"... Are they set correctly??  I know I spent many years being angry at Tom for things he "was" or "wasn't" doing... which he basically ALWAYS or NEVER did accordingly  We have a tendency to "expect" certain behaviors from our spouse that we feel are "reasonable" expectations, based on what we have heard or have been taught... BUT are they realistic and reasonable for OUR spouse??  If you are in my group, chances are good that your husband is an addict of some sort.  Are we expecting them to be normal??  Are we expecting them to do things that non-addicts do?  Every once in a while I need to review what my expectations of Tom are and do some adjusting according to what I discover them to be. If you have never done this, start off by writing down all the expectations you have of your husband.  Then go through and ask yourself "has he ever done these things?"And then "has he done them in the last few years?"  If he has never done them or hasn't in a few years, remove them from your expectations list and ADD them to your PRAYER list. Don't NAG HIM but petition God for those needs to be met in your life and allow HIM to make the needed changes in your husband and/or you.  If you do this, chances are good that you will be less angry and disappointed with your husband. 

Another expectation question is; "Are we still expecting them to think, communicate and behave like a women?"  I have always said "of course men are different than women, anyone can see that!" But then I would still get mad at Tom for not seeing the things I see (i.e. the overflowing trash, dirty bathroom, clothes on the floor....), or do the things I would do...  Some how the "logical" fact that they are different didn't seem to sink down into my expectations of him!!  I still expected him to think and behave as I would even though I understood that he was different...  somehow, there was a serious disconnect somewhere in there!  Not only that but we are also dealing with a difference of how "men" express themselves. I think I can safely say that men and women speak two different languages!  For example: Let's say I say to Tom, I don't feel loved, accepted or treasured.  My love languages are "acts of service" and "quality time" and his is "physical touch" and "words of affirmation".  Soooo, being a MAN and a man with different love languages, he attempts to show me love by complimenting me and touching, hugging and kissing me when I am trying to get something accomplished and then inviting me to sit and watch football with him and then suggest we make love!!  In HIS mind, he is trying to fulfill my desires to feel loved, accepted and treasured but I walk away angry and irritated because, in my mind, those needs were still not met and it just seemed like he was being selfish and meeting his own needs!!  Can you relate to any of this??  But the truth is, he truly WANTS to show me love and treasure me but we just speak such different languages we keep missing each other. Then, when I react with anger and hurt, he is dumbfounded and walks away feeling rejected and discouraged and wonders why he even tries!!  I have decided that I need to be a student of my husbands "man speak" and his "love languages" and quit expecting him to think, act and behave like I would!!

Last but not least, another thing that we talked about was how women tend to avoid sex while that seems to be the very thing our husbands want most from us!  There is A LOT to this subject that I will not even attempt to go into at this point but as I was processing it over the weekend, I had a thought;  Why is it that we (women) have the mindset that we are "giving" of ourselves when our husbands want to make love instead of seeing it as an opportunity to "receive" something from our husbands?  For most of my marriage my mindset was "I have poured myself out throughout the day and I have nothing left to give....", (which is so wrong on several different levels) but, isn't that something that HE GIVES to me too??  Rather than feeling like it will "empty" my tank even more, wouldn't it instead be "filling" my tank?? (no pun intended here... :))  Anyway, I just thought I would run that by you guys and see what your thoughts were on that.

Have you prayed for your husband today??  Here is a Power of a Praying wife prayer for you :

Lord, teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love.  Where love has died, create new love between us.  Show me what unconditional love really is and how to communicate it in a way he can clearly perceive.  Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything (Amos 3:3).  May the God of patience and comfort grant us to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus (Romans 15:5).  Make us a team, not pursuing separate, competitive, or independent lives, but working together, overlooking each other's faults and weaknesses for the greater good of the marriage.  Help us to pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another (Romans 14:19).

"Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."  Galatians 6:9

With much love and prayer,

Your servant in Christ,

Linda :)

So, you think you can DANCE?

Last night I met with a dear friend and she shared with me a wonderful story and revelation the Lord showed her this last month.  To set the stage a little, in her personal story, her husband chose to not work on the marriage so they have been divorced for about 3 years.  During these last few year she has allowed the Lord to be her teacher, husband, friend and companion and she has grown in leaps and bounds in her walk with the Lord and in her healing.  It has been such an honor and privilege to walk along side of her and watch her grow :)  

Anyway, she recently had an opportunity to take a "Swing dancing" class, and despite her "Baptist" upbringing and feelings that she might be doing something "wrong"... she went ahead and gave it a try.  She LOVED it and is now HOOKED on dancing :)  So, the story she relayed to me last night was; during the classes, the instructor was telling the lady's that in order for them to know what the "leader" wanted them to do, they had to "press in" to the leaders hands (the visual would be, hands up to about chest level, face to face, hand to hand, with the man leading with his hands) and if the dance required his arms on her back, she was to lean back into his hand on her back to get the signals.  The instructor also said that they needed to "relax" and TRUST that the leader is directing them correctly, and at one point even had them close their eyes so they could learn to "feel" the leading and the signals without trying to anticipate or try to lead themselves.  She said the instructor mentioned that if you don't press in, relax and trust your partner, you will end up with a lot of "miss steps" and eventually end up doing your own dance and even stepping on and hurting your partner...  (Can you see where this is leading??)  In the dance classes, she is learning how to relax and trust her partner and she said it was the most amazing and "freeing" experience she has ever felt!  To just "relax" and let HIM lead made the dance so much easier and so much more fun!! So, my friend said that God gave her a huge revelation of how she messed up in her marriage in this regard...  She said that, FIRST OF ALL, her first dance partner was GOD, and that in His dance with her, He was leading her away from the guy that she wanted to marry but instead of relaxing and trusting Him with leading the dance, she went off and started another dance all her own.  And, once she was married, she lost confidence in her husbands ability to lead so she started leading the dance herself...  and once again ended up dancing alone.

I just LOVE this analogy!!  The "pressing in" to God first to get your instructions from Him and then... press into your husband and allow him to lead... no matter what decisions he makes (which can be REALLY hard and scary sometimes!!  This is when I say, don't trust your husband so much as trust GOD with your husband!), and lean into him and allow him to lead the dance.  I know this sounds very "simplistic" and I would have to agree... but at the same time, I believe we can ALL glean something from this analogy and her revelation.  I pray that we all will allow God to speak to our hearts and see if we can relate and apply some of this to our own walk with the Lord and marriages.

I think our first and foremost miss-step is always not allowing GOD to lead us in the dance of our lives to begin with... not wanting to WAIT on HIM and His timing and His choices for us.  We always think we know so much better what we need and want than He does!  But... He created us and knows every hair on our head and HE knit us together in our mothers womb... How can He NOT know our hearts and what is best for us!?  Lord, please forgive us for not trusting You to lead us in the dance of our lives!  Help us Lord to PRESS IN to YOU so that we can feel Your leading and Your directional signals for each day of our lives... not only in our marriages but in our jobs, as parents, as servants...  Thank you Lord for being "The LORD of the DANCE"!!  

(I have attached the link to the song "Lord of the Dance" by Steven Curtis Chapman that I thought would be a great ending to this blog :):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_MnQxAd16k

With much love and prayer,

Your fellow servant and dancer,

Linda :)