Death and RESURRECTION

As per usual, I read the True Vine devotional this morning and below is an excerpt from what I read (here is the whole thing if you are interested: http://www.spiritoffire.org/ebooks/the%20true%20vine/vine05.htm

Excerpt from the True Vine devotional – John 15:1:

“…Christ ever lived in the spirit of what He once said: “The Son can do nothing of himself.” As dependent as a vine is on a husbandman for the place where it is to grow, for its fencing in and watering and pruning, Christ felt Himself entirely dependent on the Father every day for the wisdom and the strength to do the Father’s will. As He said in the previous chapter John 14:10: “The words that I say unto you, I speak not from Myself; but the Father abiding in Me doeth his works.” This absolute dependence had as its blessed counterpart the most blessed confidence that He had nothing to fear: the Father could not disappoint Him. With such a Husbandman as His Father, He could enter death and the grave. He could trust God to raise Him up. All that Christ is and has, He has, not in Himself, but from the Father…”

I have read this many times but this time something stuck out to me more than before. It was the line that said “He could trust God to raise Him up [from death and the grave].” He had nothing to FEAR… He could trust God to raise Him from the dead!!

I have a tendency to think of Jesus as more “God” than “man” and that all He did and said came easily to Him… But this morning I was reminded that He was 100% human as well as God.  He struggled with the same things and in the same ways WE do.  When I read this particular line this morning, “He could trust God to raise Him up.”, it not only reminded me of His humanness but it also reminded me of Abraham in that he also believed God could and would raise Isaac from the dead once he sacrificed him. But, instead of putting someone else to death, Jesus allowed Himself to be put to death and believe that God would raise Him from the dead! Wow. How incredibly hard was that?! I am sure His relationship, faith and belief in God made it somewhat easier, but again; I believe he had to battle His human side of things as well. He had to counter the lies that God couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t really ask Him to do that. He had to avoid reasoning His way out of it thinking things like “My loving Father would never ask me to do something like that!”  He had to counter the temptation to do what His disciples wanted Him to do, i.e. raise up an army and become the ruler and King in Jerusalem here on earth. He had to counter the enemy and the temptation to demand that “this cup be taken away …” and instead submit Himself to: “may your will be done." (Matthew 26:42)

But He was able to do this because why? Because, EVEN AS A HUMAN, He was absolutely and completely dependant upon His Father in Heaven and He had NO FEAR or doubt that God’s GOOD and PERFECT Will would be done in, and through Him.  He didn’t question the Fathers will, goodness or desire but TRUSTED Him completely. He knew that His flesh HAD to die in order for the Spirit to live, and live not only in Him but in us as well (“Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.” John 16:7).  Jesus is our example of how WE need to live here on earth. Am I absolutely and completely dependant on God like Jesus was? Do I have the love, faith, and trust in God that Jesus did to be put to death...? And, am I as obedient?

 “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23. In order for me to follow Jesus, I have to daily deny myself and crucify my flesh on the cross. Ok, to be honest, I have heard this for most of my Christian walk but the part that I missed before this morning was that, when I do actually manage to die to my flesh, I need to TRUST that the Father will RAISE ME FROM THE DEAD! Not in the physical form but in the spiritual. Not only that but that He will raise me to be better than I was… that His plans for me are for GOOD and not for HARM and that I will actually LIKE what He does with me.  Isn’t that where the difficulty lies? Do I trust that God will raise me from the dead, and when He does, will I like what He does with me?? Look what He did for Jesus! He surrendered His life to God and God raised Him from the dead, transformed him and sat Him on His right side, ruling along side of Him from the Throne of Heaven. Oh man! Just think of what He would have missed out on if He had catered to and given in to His “flesh” the “disciples” and the “enemy”! So, do I expect great things like that from God for me? The least I can do is expect that He can do greater and better things than I can!!  How many times have I missed out on the “best” that God has for me by allowing my flesh to lead my actions? Is my will and my way better than the creator of all the heavens and the earth? Can I put MY flesh to death daily and trust that, when I do, He will raise me up to be better than I was? Oh Lord, help me to get there!!

This makes me think of the caterpillar that goes into its cocoon willingly, surrendering its life and its transformation to God, and then immerging as a beautiful butterfly in flight! He was designed and created by God to do that but I think God uses His creation so we can see what He plans for us as well. Do we really want to stay as caterpillars when we can be transformed into butterflies?  This of course does not happen without a cost, the death of MY will and MY desires, but is the cost worth the results?

So, going back to the True Vine devotional analogy and summarizing, Jesus is the True Vine, completely submitting to the Father, relying completely upon Him for EVERYTHING. Having absolute trust and no fear that the Father would take care of Him and do what was needed for the Vines health and growth.  And, if we are to be the branches, grafted into the True Vine to become one with the Vine, can we be a different plant, producing our own fruit? I think we keep trying to do that and then we wonder why it isn't working!  Jesus is our example of becoming “entirely dependent” upon the Father for guidance, wisdom and strength to do His Fathers will everyday. We need to die to what we were before and trust that we will be raised from the dead and transformed into the butterflies and servants that He needs us to be to for HIS glory and HIS Kingdom purposes. But the first and most important question that we need to ask ourselves is, “do I trust that He will raise me from the dead…?”   

Oh Father, I look forward to the day when I can say “YES” without hesitation to that question. Only You know my heart both it’s corrupted side and it’s desires to do good and only You can help me to climb up on the sacrificial table each day and surrender my life and my will to You for Your purposes. Help me to TRUST You and Your goodness and help me to see that Your purposes are better than mine. Father, I DO believe you can raise me from the dead… but please, help me in my unbelief!

Upside Down: Humility vs. Pride

I have been thinking about the word “humility” for a few years now.  The Lord continues to bring it to mind as a quality He holds very dear so it is something I also desire in my life because of that. I always hear Him say “…learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart...” Matthew 11:29. As I read the Bible I see God’s desire for humility pop up all over the place; it’s in the Old Testament, in the prophesies, Proverbs, Job, and of course all throughout the New Testament.  The Lord is very consistent and persistent with communicating the things that are most important to Him and this seems to be one of them.  So, I have come to the conclusion that if you desire to know God, and want to be a disciple of the Lord, you will also need to come to know true humility because they are one and the same.

As I was thinking about writing this blog, I thought I better look the word up to make sure I knew what it really meant!!  You know how you go about “thinking” you know what a word means only to discover you were mistaken…?  So anyway, here is one definition I found that was a good representation of others that are out there: “… freedom from pride and arrogance; lowliness of mind; a modest estimate of one's own worth; a sense of one's own unworthiness through imperfection and sinfulness; self-abasement…” And, as I was searching the web for some things on humility I found a couple sayings regarding it: “Humility, a strange thing, the minute you think you’ve got it, you’ve lost it” and the other was “Humility does not mean you think less of yourself, it means you think of yourself less”. The definition and the sayings pretty much explain what humility is… right??

Well, as it turns out, after going through this research, and talking about it with Tom, I am walking away with more questions and am even less certain of what humility really is. I want to steer away from anything that would encourage “false” humility or even worse, “codependency” (which I struggle with!). But, for the purpose of this blog I will attempt to describe humility as I understand it now; It’s not that you feel like you are a weak, worthless, no good nothing, it’s that you KNOW who you are in Christ and you are completely reliant upon Him and your confidence rests in that and not in yourself or your own abilities. You know that you, being sinful, have been bought with a price, and even at your worst, Christ loved you enough to die for you. When we come face to face with this truth, of our sinfulness and His redeeming love for us, I think we are also faced with the reality of our NEED for Him in our every day lives.  This knowledge then compels us to set aside our desires, our wants, and our needs to be obedient “bond servants” of Christ, serving Him with our whole heart, mind, body, soul and strength. WE are not our main focus in our life anymore but it is Christ and His desires that are our main focus. Again, humility doesn’t mean you are a weak and wimpy person but instead, I think that it takes an incredibly courageous and strong person to be able to set aside their wants and desires to pick up the virtue of humility and become completely reliant upon Christ… for everything! I don’t see ANY weakness in that!!

So, that brings me to why this is part of the “upside down” series.  When I compare this definition of humility, or my understanding of it, to what the world teaches, I see that they are two entirely different things! The world teaches and trains us to think about and focus only on ourselves!  All the focus is on getting MY needs met and getting MY desires fulfilled. I deserve a break today; I deserve a vacation, a diamond, a yacht, a nice house, a nice car, a nicer stereo system, a nicer, better, prettier/handsomer spouse… I deserve to be treated better, to have more money, a better position at work, to get a raise, to get the promotion… Basically, it’s ALL ABOUT ME, and YOU, getting what WE want, and if necessary, stepping on or shoving to the side, anyone or anything that gets in our way. We are pumped full of “pride” and “self sufficiency” and we end up not caring or thinking about anyone else but ME and MY needs. That, my friend, I believe is completely upside down from the desires of Christ and the Kingdom!

So, with that said, I hope you will indulge me while I chew on the definition of humility a little more. Even with my current understanding and explanation, I still feel like I am missing something. The Bible says that “Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.” (Numbers 12:3). What was it that made him so humble? Was it the 40 years of herding sheep after his prideful fall in Egypt? (I think that would humble anyone!) And then we see David, a man after God’s own heart. I believe he exhibited humility in that, when he was anointed king, he still honored Saul and didn’t “take” the kingdom from him but waited for God’s timing. But then we have Daniel, whom the angel of the Lord said “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them.” Daniel 10:12. What was it that created humility in Daniel?  Was it that he was, in one moment considered to be of noble birth and then when captured, considered a slave of Babylon? That would be a rude awakening for anyone!

And then of course we have Jesus, speaking of noble birth, who laid down his divinity to come to us as a baby, grew to be a man, to walk among us and to “seek and save what was lost” (Luke 19:10). 2 Corinthians tells us “…that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.” Jesus, the “sinless” one, the only person on earth who could have “lorded” His position over us, the only one who was qualified to condemn, judge and throw the first stone, chose instead to show mercy, compassion and forgive us all… the prostitutes, tax collectors, murders, adulterers, thieves… all of us who have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

As Tom and I were talking about this, the word “intercession” came up.  Jesus intercedes for us at the throne of God. David interceded for his people as a king of Israel.  Moses interceded for his people and so did Daniel.  They saw themselves as “one of them”, not above or below them but they could relate enough with the struggles and the sin that they had compassion and sent up heart felt intercession on behalf of them. Could it be that this too is apart of humility? Having empathy and compassion for those around us enough to intercede for them?

Now, here is another thought. Oswald always talks about God’s nature in me, that He speaks to His Spirit who is in me.  Here is a quote along those lines: “There is no possibility of questioning God when He speaks, if He speaks to His own nature in me. Prompt obedience is the only result. When Jesus says, "Come," I simply come; when He says, "Let go," I let go; when He says, "Trust God in this matter," I trust. This work of obedience is the evidence that the nature of God is in me.” (My Utmost for His highest, November 17^th)  So, the thought is, since Jesus is “gentle and humble at heart” and His Spirit is in us, and if our desire is “more of you Lord and less of me”, then could God be working the attributes of Christ in us as we yield and die to ourselves? Could it be that Christ’s humility surfaces in us as we surrender our will and ways and allow Him to be Lord of our lives?

Ok, this is where I will stop and allow God to continue to reveal His heart and His plan for humility to me/us.  Thank you for indulging me this time to hash this out a little more.  What are YOUR thoughts regarding humility??  How do you see it and how do you think it is attained? I would love to get different insights, thoughts and perspectives on this.

Oh Father in heaven, please help us to focus on Your truths and Your Kingdom principles and ways and not the worlds.  Lord, show me what true humility is and what it looks like.  Help me to rid myself of pride, arrogance and self-righteousness and instead, embrace true humility which brings you delight.  Thank you Lord for Your Holy Spirit that will continue to teach and show us how to walk in Your ways and in Your humility.  I pray that you give us the courage and the strength to follow in Your footsteps.  In Jesus’ name I pray, amen!

“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12

The "POWER" of Prayer...

I am still on my quest for a deeper understanding of prayer.  I have felt for awhile that I am missing something important...  I am still not sure what it is but I feel like the Lord has been giving me little glimpses here and there as I continue to ask, seek and pursue Him regarding this.  I have come to a place in my walk where I truly believe that prayer is not so much for me to beseech Him with requests (but that is certainly a part of it) as it is for ME to spend more and more time with Him as my Father in heaven.  Time for me to get to know Him better and get a better understanding of who I am and who He designed and created me to be. But again, I keep getting this feeling that there is still so much MORE to prayer than what I am understanding now…

I felt like I got one of those little glimpses the other day when I was reading the True Vine and Andrew was talking about "saving" prayer and that the fruit of our abiding is having the heart for men and their salvation.  I started thinking about that a little more and felt like maybe this is a place where we can get a little stuck.  If I go out to "save" man kind based on the "Great Commission" then I am probably motivated by a "commandment", a "law", a "duty" and a sense that it is my “job” to do this saving work… (Stay with me here).  But I have come to believe that it is NOT my job to "save" mankind but that is solely the work and "job" of the Holy Spirit working through His body. My job is to do the first and greatest commandment, to Love God with all my heart, mind, body and strength, love my neighbor as myself, to ABIDE in Him and just be the branch and to "seek first His Kingdom" and I am certainly finding out what a full time job that is in and of itself!  

When I was meditating on this, I heard the Lord speak the word "Compassion" to me.  Then I thought of all the scriptures in the Gospels that say that Jesus had "compassion" on the people he healed and ministered to. Then I realized where I fall short… I can't give what I don't have!!  When I abide in Christ and I am the branch I am supposed to be, I am then filled with the sap that is needed to produce HIS fruit.  When I am abiding, the Holy Spirit fills me up with Christ and HIS love and compassion for the lost and then I am compelled to "go out" with an entirely different motivation!! I am compelled to LOVE them because I have Christ’s COMPASSION for them. This is not something I can manufacture on my own. I am then serving the lost as Christ served them and loving them as Christ loved them, which at that point comes as natural as breathing, and then the lost are drawn to the love of Christ through me.  

So, now I can come back to my original point.  When I have Christ’s love and compassion I believe that also changes my PRAYERS for the lost and the compassion infuses the prayers with power!  I am driven to my knees with the heart of Jesus and I pray and intercede for them with HIS love and compassion welling up and pouring forth from the depths of my heart.  I now have what I need to bear the fruit that Christ desires from me in prayer. Until I get THERE, I don’t think my prayers are nearly as fruitful and powerful as I would like them to be.

Just for emphasis, here are some scriptures I found regarding Jesus' compassion:

“And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.” Exodus 34:6-7 

“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” Matthew 9:36

“When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.” Matthew 14:14

“Jesus called his disciples to him and said, "I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat.” Matthew 15:32

“Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.” Matthew 20:34

“Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man.”I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Mark 1:41

“When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.” Mark 6:34

“I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat.” Mark 8:2

“So he got up and went to his father.”But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20

“As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.” James 5:11

And here are a couple verses that tell us to clothe ourselves with His compassion and to serve others with what we have been given!

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.” Philippians 2:1-2

“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12

September 16th Oswald:

"... Prayer is not simply getting things from God… Prayer is coming into perfect fellowship and oneness with God. If the Son of God has been formed in us through regeneration (Galatians 4:19), then He will continue to press on beyond our common sense and will change our attitude about the things for which we pray..."

Father, I thank you so much for your Holy Spirit and the insight that He gives me into Your heart.  I pray Lord that I would have YOUR love and compassion for the lost and for those you place in my life.  Help me Lord, once again, to set aside my selfishness, laziness, pride and arrogance and embrace Your “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Fill me up with these things so that they spill out on to others and flow out as naturally as breathing.  In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

ABIDING in the Trinity

A friend of mine recently asked me what my thoughts were on the Trinity.  That was a good question, and one that I had not thought about in awhile!  I told her I needed some time to think about it because I wanted to gather my thoughts before sharing them.  My understanding of the Trinity has changed and grown through the years but it is still not to the point where I have a clear grasp of it.  I realize I will never be able to get it completely, but I still wanted to spend some time praying about it and meditating on it before I randomly blurted something out. 

A day or two later I was reading the True Vine devotional by Andrew Murray (The True Vine) the scripture verse listed was John 15:4 “Abide in me and I will abide in you”. The first paragraph of the devotional gave a really great visual of the vine and branch grafting which I have copied below for you:

When a new graft is placed in a vine and it abides there, there is a twofold process that takes place. The first is in the wood. The graft shoots its little roots and fibers down into the stem, and the stem grows up into the graft, and what has been called the structural union is effected. The graft abides and becomes one with the vine… Then there is the second process, in which the sap of the vine enters the new structure, and uses it as a passage through which sap can flow up to show itself in young shoots and leaves and fruit. Here is the vital union. Into the graft which abides in the stock, the stock enters with sap to abide in it.  

Being a “visual” person, I absolutely LOVE imagery like this!  And then he goes on to say:

“When our Lord says: ‘Abide in me, and I in you,’ He points to something analogous to this. ‘Abide in me’: that refers more to that which we have to do. We have to trust and obey, to detach ourselves from all else, to reach out after Him and cling to Him, to sink ourselves into Him… Many believers pray and long very earnestly for the filling of the Spirit and the indwelling of Christ, and wonder that they do not make more progress. The reason is often this, the ‘I in you’ cannot come because the ‘abide in me’ is not maintained… The graft must have grown into the stem, and be abiding in it before the sap can flow through to bring forth fruit. It is as in lowly obedience we follow Christ, even in external things, denying ourselves, forsaking the world, and even in the body seeking to be conformable to Him, as we thus seek to abide in Him, that we shall be able to receive and enjoy the ‘I in you.’ The work enjoined on us: ‘Abide in me,’ will prepare us for the work undertaken by Him: ‘I in you.’ …”

On a side note, after reading this, it was like a light bulb went on in my head when I read the second paragraph!  We wonder why the “Power” of the Holy Spirit is not displayed in our lives today like it was in the Biblical days?  Well, I think THIS is the answer!  We are not sinking into Christ to the point where He is sinking into us so the “sap” is not able to flow through us to produce the desired fruit!  We are not: “trust[ing] and obey[ing], detach[ing] ourselves from all else, to reach out after Him and cling[ing] to Him, ]or] sink[ing] ourselves into Him… denying ourselves,[and] forsaking the world…” which ultimately is the true sense and meaning of the word “ABIDE”.  Christ and the Holy Spirit can only work in and through us after we abide in HIM and then the power of the Holy Spirit will be able to flow through us!  As much as my heart LONGS to do this, I know I am still so far away from actually accomplishing it!  My flesh still rules my heart and life and I have not “detached” myself from all else…  Lord, help me get there!

Anyway, back at my original thought on the Trinity. I just happened to be walking with my friend that morning who had asked me about the Trinity and, as I was sharing this devotional with her, the Lord gave me another “visual” that helped me to see the Trinity in a new way. The "husbandman" is the Father; He works the vineyard and puts things into place. Christ is the True Vine that facilitates the bringing up of the branches and the bearing of the fruit and the Holy Spirit is the sap that flows through the Vine in order for the branches to produce the fruit!  When I got that visual, it reminded me of a trinity analogy I heard a couple of years ago; the Father is the designer and overseer of all things, Jesus is the facilitator who walks out the Father’s plans and the Holy Spirit is the Power that flows through Jesus to make it all happen.  They each have a part that they play and one can do nothing without the others.  They are dependent upon each other and they flow fluidly and effortlessly together in the work that they all 3 have determined to do.  Both of these ideas compliment each other and speak of basically the same thing and they help me understand the “Trinity” concept a little more.

After my walk with my friend, I came home and shared this thought and visual with Tom and he decided to look up on the computer the process of “grafting”.  Well, that took us even deeper and we walked away with three other aspects of “abiding” and “grafting” we had not thought about.  The first was that the Vine has to be "cut to the quick" or “wounded”, deep enough so that when the branch is grafted in, the “sap” can flow from the Vine into the new graft.  When we realized this, Isaiah 53:3 came to my mind, “But he was pierced for our transgressions…” Wow, that was an interesting thought and connection!  Second, it is necessary that WE, the “branch”, have to be cut and shaped as well in order to be able to be inserted and to abide in the Vine.  I am always hearing from the Lord that I need to be re-shaped and molded into the vessel that works best for HIS Kingdom and not mine… This is just another confirmation and a new way of seeing it. And third, in order for the new branch to stay, it has to be BOUND to the vine until the grafting is completed.  So, we need to allow God to "bind" us to Christ until we can get it on our own!!  That gives a whole new meaning to idea of becoming a “Bond-servant” of Christ! The visuals of “grafting” really helped to put this all together… and the Holy Spirit too, of course :)

So now how do I recap all of this?  I think the main point is our need to first abide and sink in to Christ so that Christ can then abide and sink into us. In order to do that, we need to focus on the key aspects of abiding which are to: “trust and obey, detach ourselves from all else, to reach out after Him and cling to Him, to sink ourselves into Him… denying ourselves, [and] forsaking the world…” Then, we need to allow Him to cut away the unnecessary parts of us so that we can sink in deep enough so that the SAP of the Holy Spirit can flow through us. And lastly, allow God to bind us to Him so that His Kingdom fruit is produced through us for His Glory!

As a closing thought, Tom brought up a really good scripture that also fits this analogy.  If you think about it, grafting is uniting two separate things and making them “one flesh”… “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:31-32)  Again, this is yet another example of how God uses His creation to show us that what happens in the natural also happens in the spirit!  Christ wants to become “one flesh” with us, His church, as we abide in Him!

Oh Father, help me to grasp these truths to the point of allowing You to do Your will in me.  Help me Lord to SINK into You so that You can sink into me so that we become “one”.  Help me to just be the “branch” and allow YOU to be the Vine and to surrender my all, giving up my dreams and my ideals of what I think you want from me, and just ABIDE in you.   Holy Spirit I long to have you flow freely through me so that Your fruit is produced and not mine, for Your Kingdom. Help me to get there Lord! In Jesus’ precious and Holy name, amen! 

Linda's Journal - July 25, 2011

As I was reading in the True Vine this morning Andrew’s prayer at the end was so applicable to the next step the Lord is speaking to me about.

“Lord Jesus, in the faith that Thou art my Vine, and that I am Thy branch, I accept Your command as a promise, and take Your “even as I” as the simple revelation of what You do work in me. Yes, Lord, as You have loved, I will love.”

On Saturday, when I met some ladies for lunch, I was sharing my recent revelations about my mom and how that has been changing my perspective and relationship with Tom.  They asked many questions about my childhood and relationship with my mom back then and then one friend asked me if I loved my mom…  Hmmm.  That was a question I had not ever really thought about.  My initial unspoken response was “no”, I don’t think I really ever did “love” my mom.  And then that thought triggered a similar revelation I had about 10 years ago that I didn’t think I ever loved Tom either.  Again, there is a connection between my mom and Tom.  With further processing I was thinking about why I didn’t love my mom and it is mostly because I don’t think I really ever “knew” her enough to “love” her. I had so many defenses up protecting my heart, from the negative, I also blocked out the good. And evidently, that transferred into my marriage as well.

I have continued my quest to discover the ways in which my mom loved me and I am beginning to see her with new eyes and a new heart.  I can see so many times when she attempted to do something for me which I rejected and I remember times also that my actions and defenses hurt her as it showed her where I was and my lack of love and understanding of her heart and desire to love me.  Because of that I think she put up defenses too… we both wanted the same thing but our defenses shielded and prevented the very things we desired from each other.

Lord, it is only by YOUR love can we truly be healed and then are able to love others with that love.  Help me Lord to truly embrace the love you have for me so that I can in turn love others with THAT love and not my own, selfish, twisted and ineffective love.  “…Yes, Lord, as You have loved, I will love.”

Linda's Journal - July 17, 2011

More revelations! 

I’m on a mission now—to remember my mom and my childhood through new eyes. I’m intentionally looking for the ways my mom may have loved me that I couldn’t recognize or receive as a child.

Last week, while driving, a memory surfaced. I started thinking about all the people my mom arranged to care for us while she worked and went to school. Over time, we would bond with some of those couples—and they with us. A few even wanted to adopt us. But eventually, Mom would move us again, placing us with another family.

As a child, I was angry about all the constant moving. I never felt settled, and just when I felt safe or attached, we’d be whisked away again. But in that moment last week, I had a new thought—maybe that was one of the ways she loved us.

How much easier it would have been for her, as a single mom, to just give up—to let someone else take over. But she didn’t. She fought to keep us. She worked hard, went to school, and held on to custody even when it would have been easier to let go. She didn’t give us away. That realization shook me. Her way of loving us may have looked different… but it was love.

Later, on Friday morning, Tom and I were talking and he asked if I had thought of more ways my mom might have loved me. I shared that realization with him. Then he said something that took my breath away:

“Considering how emotionally crippled your mom was… imagine if that emotional brokenness was visible in her physical body.”

And then, the Lord gave him a vivid mental image. Tom described how, if her emotional wounds were reflected physically, she would be so deformed—so twisted and broken—she wouldn’t be able to function like a normal person. And yet, we kept expecting her to!

I too was taken aback by the vision that came to my mind. I suddenly saw her physically twisted and deformed in a crumpled heap on the floor, unable to stand or do anything a normal person could do. Then I pictured her trying to hold me and nurture me from that position and failing miserably as I stood there, with my hands on my hips, demanding that she hug me like a normal person…  

The thought came to me that it would be like a child who was handicapped physically and emotionally and then expecting them to behave like a normal child and rejecting their efforts to show love.  

I was completely undone. She made so many efforts to do things for my sister and I but, because of her emotional condition, it didn’t look at all like a normal persons love… but she still tried… over and over again, to be the mom she so wanted to be!!  

I was overwhelmed with emotion as I saw my mom for the first time, making monumental efforts to love me, while I stood there expecting her to exhibit “normal” behaviors and missing what she WAS doing.  

So, as this vision was unfolding, I mentally got down on the floor and took her in my arms and finally received the love she had, in the way she could give it. It was the most heart wrenching and amazing feeling I have had in a long time. 

I spent the morning sobbing as the tables turned on me and I saw my own pride and selfishness in desiring to be loved a certain way and missing the love she was giving me.  

I was receiving the love and acceptance I had overlooked my whole life and it felt amazingly wonderful. Every time I think about it I get a fresh flow of tears falling down my cheeks because it is so wonderful and healing for me to finally receive my mom’s love after all these years.

Tom came up with a really good analogy as we sat and talked about this afterwards. He said, from my perspective, my mom was handing me foreign currency and I was looking at it like, what do you expect me to do with this?! I can’t use it or spend it here!  

And I realized that am doing the same thing with him when he loves me in “his” love languages and not mine. I finally discovered the “exchange” rate and was able to convert it for my mom and was able to use it the way it was originally intended. Now I need to do the same for Tom. I need to see the way “he” loves me and be able to convert it into my own love currency and receive it. I suppose that also can be applied to my relationship with the Lord too!

This has been a very emotional week.  God is showing me so many things! I feel like this was such a HUGE step for me in the right direction and I am looking forward to experiencing the continued emotional healing and freedom that will result from this. It has already made a difference in my relationship to Tom in how I am seeing and responding to him. I am not seeing or feeling things in the old way but am now discovering new thoughts and perspectives that I have missed all these years. 

Thank you Jesus for that amazing revelation and healing moment. Thank you for helping me to finally receive what my mom was so desperately trying to give but was unable to in the “normal” ways. I am receiving my mothers love in the way she was able to give it and I am so blessed.  

Lord, I know that was YOU because only You can make these sort of things happen. Now maybe I can see and feel YOU in new and wonderful ways too.  THAT is my hearts desire… to KNOW you deeper and better every day of my life.  In Jesus name, amen.

Linda’s Journal – July 12, 2011

God doesn’t waste any time when we’re all in.

After writing in my journal yesterday, I shared with Tom the revelation about my mom—and how much of my anger toward him was connected to unresolved pain from my childhood. I told him that I’m now on a quest to discover the specific things he does that trigger those old wounds.

As I started to mention a few—like selfishness or not loving me in my primary love languages (acts of service and quality time)—Tom gently responded, “Or maybe it’s your perception of selfishness or of me not doing things for you.” Then he said something that stopped me in my tracks: “I do a lot of things for you, but if it’s not what you’re expecting or wanting, it gets brushed aside like it never happened.”

Wow. That hit home on two levels. Not only have I been dismissing my husband’s efforts, but how many times did I do the same to my mom?

Perception is incredibly powerful. It can shape our reality in such a convincing way—but is it true for the other person? That thought gave me a lot to process.

It also made me realize that the enemy had been distorting Tom’s image in my mind—drawing a villain’s mustache and cape over him, casting him as the “bad guy.” But yesterday morning, God stripped that false image away. I suddenly saw more clearly. Tom isn’t perfect—he has his flaws—but I had been projecting additional faults onto him based on my own pain, making him out to be far worse than he really is. Without the mask and cape, he’s so much more attractive to me—inside and out.

Later that day, I brought dinner to my friend Susie, who’s in the middle of a move. As I shared all these revelations with her—Susie, who had lovingly helped set me straight just days before—her eyes filled with tears. She reached out, hugged me tightly, and cried. Then she said something I will never forget:

“I’m so, so sorry, Linda, for what you endured as a child. The very person who should have protected you from injury was the one who inflicted it.”

She pulled back, looked into my eyes with such tenderness, and said, “You are so beautiful, Linda.” She spoke words over me that made me feel seen, loved, and special.

In that moment, it felt like I was a child again—and she was standing in as the mother I never had, speaking for the first time the words I had longed to hear. I was overwhelmed… but I was able to receive them. And I will allow those words to begin healing that part of my heart.

When I got home, I shared all of this with Tom. I let the emotions flow.

My mom was so young—emotionally and relationally immature—when she became a parent. She had no idea how to nurture or care for two little girls. She was too caught up in her own struggles and needs to notice ours. As a child, I never really felt loved, nurtured, or “special.” My sister and I often felt like inconveniences—always in the way.

Even as I say this, I recognize that this was my perception. My mom probably did love me—but she didn’t know how to express it in a way I could receive or recognize.

Through tears, I asked Tom if he ever felt like I was an “inconvenience” or an “imposition.” He said not really—maybe in a moment or two, but not as an ongoing feeling.

That’s when another connection hit me. When Tom shows impatience with me, my emotional reaction can be so intense. Could it be that I’m connecting his impatience to the rejection I felt as a child? As a lifelong people-pleaser, I try so hard to avoid rejection. So when he’s impatient, it touches that deep wound—and I perceive his impatience as rejection.

That was a huge realization.

And then I thought… how often do we do this to God?

How often do we project a villain’s mask onto Him—assuming He’s treating us like our parents did, accusing Him of things He never did, interpreting His silence or delay as disinterest or rejection?

Yesterday’s Oswald Chambers devotion said that God walks us through these kinds of moments so that we can gain a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ. But if our perception of Him is clouded or distorted, then our knowledge of Him is flawed too.

Lord, please reveal all the ways my perception is off. Show me where I’m not seeing You clearly. Remove the mask I’ve placed on Your face, and let me see You as You truly are—loving, caring, compassionate, and delighting in me. Help me receive the truth of Your love, and know deep down that I am cherished and special in Your sight.

Linda's Journal - July 11, 2011

Once again, the Lord is working something out in me.

Looking back, I realize my earlier journal entry—written while Tom was in California—left out a lot of the turmoil going on inside my heart and mind. I had taken the bait the enemy laid before me. Negative thoughts about Tom flooded in, and I was hooked—being reeled in fast. I found myself focusing, yet again, on all the things Tom doesn’t do instead of recognizing what he does do. The more I fed those thoughts, the angrier I became. I was not pleasant toward him at all, and let’s be honest, the “hot weather” back home wasn’t the only thing keeping him from wanting to return!

On our flight back to North Carolina, we got into a heated argument that cast a dark shadow over our return. Thankfully, I have some amazing friends who listened patiently as I ranted and raved—then gently but truthfully helped set me straight. Once the initial anger settled down, the Lord stepped in and I could hear Him speaking to me again. He lovingly convicted me about where I’d allowed my thoughts to go, how I had drifted from truth, and how I had been seeing things through the enemy’s distorted lens.

Back in January, during our trip to D.C. to visit Steve, God showed me something I hadn’t seen before: I have a pattern of “setting Tom up to fail.” It was painful to recognize, but the Lord walked me through a memory—reminding me of a moment when I had the choice to share something with Tom that would have made a situation better. I deliberately chose not to, and later used it as ammunition to justify my anger. That realization hit hard.

Since then, I’ve occasionally revisited that insight… but honestly, mostly just pushed it aside. However, after we got back from California, between the words of my friends and the Lord’s gentle persistence, that truth resurfaced. Although things had cooled down between Tom and me, there was still an undercurrent of tension. I spent time reflecting, trying to catch my thoughts and take them captive—only to see how distorted and twisted my perspective had become. The Lord began to reveal just how passive-aggressive I had been. I’d never really seen myself that way before, but now I couldn’t unsee it. So many times I had acted or withheld in ways that set Tom up, and then blamed him. God reminded me that if I chose not to communicate, I had no right to be angry.

Last Thursday, Tom and I carved out some time to reconnect. Things had been busy, and honestly, we hadn’t minded the space. But by then, the Lord had softened my heart. The anger was gone, and in its place was a genuine sorrow for how I’d been thinking and treating Tom. During dinner, I opened up. I told him everything the Lord had been showing me, apologized for my thoughts and passive-aggressive behavior, and shared specific situations where I had set him up—and took responsibility for them. That conversation opened the door for Tom to share what had been on his heart too. It turned into a beautiful night of emotional reconnection. It felt so good to clear the air and feel close again.

Then yesterday, a friend of mine who had recently moved away called to share how the book The Power of a Praying Wife had been changing her life. She admitted she hadn’t really been praying for her husband—other than “Lord, change him!” She was talking so fast I could barely get a word in, but while she spoke, the Lord brought something to my mind. I remembered the first time I read that book and how I, too, hadn’t been praying for Tom—because I had been so angry with him. I realized… there it is again. What is this pattern in me—the desire to stay angry?

And then the Lord brought my mom to mind—and the lightbulb went on. I still have unresolved anger toward my mother, and it’s spilling over onto Tom. People say we often marry someone who resembles the parent we struggled with most… and in some ways, Tom is very much like my mom. I now see that he has been triggering wounds from my childhood—wounds I never fully processed. Anger I didn’t even feel as a child is now bubbling up and affecting my marriage.

So now I’m on a new journey: identifying those areas where my mom let me down, so I can let that anger out in the right direction—and not pour it out on Tom anymore.

God’s timing is perfect. Today’s Oswald Chambers devotional confirmed everything:

“A spiritually vigorous saint never believes that his circumstances simply happen at random... He sees every situation as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ… The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do.”

How many times over how many years have I struggled with these same thoughts of anger toward Tom—especially during PMS? Over and over again I’ve wrestled with this, and I’m just now getting it! Talk about a slow learner… but I also believe it’s God’s perfect timing. Maybe I couldn’t have received this truth until now. And maybe the years of struggle have made the breakthrough that much more meaningful. I’m ready to dig deeper and get to the root of it all.

Lord, thank You for Your incredible patience and tender love. Our parents may not have done it perfectly, but You do. You care about our wholeness—mind, body, emotions, and spirit. Thank You for these revelations and the grace to receive them. Help me continue processing, releasing, and healing from the root causes of my anger. Show me how to let it go in healthy ways. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Did you "INVITE" or did you "GIVE"?

One day Tom and I were talking about God and bouncing thoughts and ideas off of each other and Tom made a distinction that really hit home with me (and I think it did him too!).  It is something that I still process and something the Lord continues to remind me of as I face my daily struggles in this world and with my flesh. The distinction Tom made, which I think is for all of us who call ourselves “Christians”, was: “Did you “invite” the Lord into your life or did you “give” your life to Christ?” Wow.  Those are two completely different things yet, I had not seen that before! I have often used the words “invite” or “give” interchangeable when talking about salvation and walking as a Christian but, really, they are two entirely different words!

Invitation

When I think of the word “invite” I see it as bringing someone into my life to participate in something that I designate.  So, to invite Jesus into my life would be like having the option of including Him in things or not.  I can invite him to join me for church, meals or to meetings or even hang a picture of Him on my mantle and talk fondly about Him with others or call on Him when I need help, comfort or support when things don’t seem to be going quite right in my life.  So basically, I can do all the things that I want to do and consider him as a convenience and a resource to call upon when needed.

To Give

Now when I “give” something to someone it is no longer MINE but it belongs to the person I gave it to.  I can no longer call the shots or control what happens to it.  To give your life to Christ would look completely different than inviting Him into it.  In effect we are saying, “Lord, I am your bondservant and I no longer live my life the way I want to (Galatians 2:20) but now YOU have control over my life. YOUR will be done… no matter what you ask of me, or how hard or illogical it is or what others may think, I am Your servant Lord and I surrender all my heart, mind, body and soul to You.”  Yeah, I think there is a little bit of a difference here between the two words...

When I look at scripture the disciples called themselves “servants” of Christ (or bondservants in the KJV).  The original word used is “doulos” which Thayer defines as:

1) a slave, bondman, man of servile condition 1a) a slave

1b) … one who gives himself up to another’s will…

1c) devoted to another to the disregard of one’s own interests

2) a servant, attendant

So, basically they considered themselves as slaves to Christ, giving their lives and themselves over to His will and disregarding their own interests being a servant and an attendant to their Lord!!  How many Christians do you see living like THAT in this day and age?!

What happened to the “Giving our lives to Christ” message in churches anymore?  When did that change?  How subtly different the new phrase is and how it just moved right in without any notice!?  Interesting, isn’t it?  I think I smell a deceiver in here somewhere, don’t you?  Now, you can just “invite” Christ into YOUR life and you don’t have to give up anything or GIVE your life to Him anymore…  It’s so easy, painless and convenient… anyone can do it!  

I love Oswald’s take on this:

The Conditions of Discipleship

Luke 14:26-27, 33 – “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple… In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”

If the closest relationships of a disciple's life conflict with the claims of Jesus Christ, then our Lord requires instant obedience to Himself. Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a Person --- our Lord Jesus Christ... To be a disciple is to be a devoted bondservant motivated by love for the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not truly devoted to Jesus Christ... We may admire, respect, and revere Him, but we cannot love Him on our own…

So, the question that comes to my mind at this point is, are we truly saved when we just “invite” Jesus into our lives or does salvation come when we “give” our life to Jesus?

Lord I pray that as we learn to “Love you with all our heart, mind, soul and strength…” (and even with our life) that you would show us what it really means to be a disciple, a bondservant to You and Your Kingdom. To give up our lives and surrender everything in them for service to You.  Give us a revelation of what it truly looks like in our lives, to be a servant of the Most High God, surrendering, yielding and giving our lives to You.  In Jesus name, Amen!