God does not waist anytime when we are “all in”! After I wrote my journal yesterday I shared with Tom the revelation about my mom and the connection with my anger towards him. Then I said that I am now on the quest to discover the things that he does that triggers the anger towards my mom. I started to mention some things that I thought were contributors, like selfishness and not loving me in my love languages of acts of service and quality time and then Tom said “or your “perception” of selfishness or not doing things for you” he then said “I do a lot of things for you but if it isn’t what you want or are expecting, it is brushed aside as if it never happened”. Hmmm… that thought hit home in two ways! Not only have I been dissing my husband but how many times did I do that to my mom! Perception is very powerful. It makes things real in our minds but is it truly “reality” for others? I needed to process THAT thought some more! So, then I realized that the enemy had been drawing a mustache and a cape over my husbands image in my mind, making him the villain, but the Lord took that away yesterday morning with that realization! I know that Tom is not perfect and still has his faults but I was adding to those my own perceived faults making him out to be so much worse than he is. Now I can see him clearer without the mask and the cape and he is so much more attractive :)
So, then I went to my friend Susie’s house later in the day to bring her some dinner because she is moving and I was sharing with her these amazing revelations (she was one of the friends who help set me straight after listening to me rant). At one point her eyes welled up with tears and she looked at me with such love and then reached over to hug me. She started crying and as she held me tight said “I am so, so sorry Linda for what you endured as a child. The very person who should have protected you from injury was the one who inflicted it”. Then she released me and looked into my eyes with such love and tenderness and said, “You are so beautiful Linda…” and then expressed her thoughts about me that made me feel so loved and special”. Wow. I suddenly felt like I was a child and she was my mom, and hearing for THE FIRST TIME that I was special and loved...!!! I was overwhelmed. But, I was able to receive those words and I will allow them to heal that part of my heart.
When I got home I shared that with Tom and allowed my emotions to continue to flow. My mom was such a child when she became a parent she had no idea how to nurture or care for two young girls. She was so caught up in her own life and needs she couldn’t see OUR needs. I never really felt loved, nurtured or “special” to anyone as a child. I felt like my sister and I were inconvenient, an imposition and always in the way. I say this but then need to also add that this was MY perception of things. She probably did love me but didn’t know how to show it in the way I needed it or could see it. So, through tears of feeling these emotions, I asked Tom if he ever felt like I was “inconvenient” or an “imposition”. He said not really, maybe a moment or two but not as a dominating thought or feeling. Then I thought about how I feel when he becomes impatient with me and my very strong emotional reactions to that and thought, maybe I am connecting that to the rejection that I felt so much as a kid? Being a people pleaser I try so hard to please so that I won’t be rejected and his impatience probably touches that wound so I perceive that impatience as rejection. That was a huge connection!!
How many times do we do that to the Lord? We paint the “villain” mask over Him and think that He treats us like our parents and accuse Him of things that He does not do because our perception is tweaked!? In yesterday’s Oswald, he said that God takes us through these things so that we can obtain a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ … If we don’t see Him with a true and clear perspective, then our “knowledge of Him is not true and correct… Lord, please reveal all the ways that my perception is distorted and I am not seeing you clearly!! Please remove the “villain” mask from your image and help me see the TRUE YOU, the truth of your love and care and how much you cherish me and think I am special.
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