Once again, the Lord is working something out in me.
Looking back, I realize my earlier journal entry—written while Tom was in California—left out a lot of the turmoil going on inside my heart and mind. I had taken the bait the enemy laid before me. Negative thoughts about Tom flooded in, and I was hooked—being reeled in fast. I found myself focusing, yet again, on all the things Tom doesn’t do instead of recognizing what he does do. The more I fed those thoughts, the angrier I became. I was not pleasant toward him at all, and let’s be honest, the “hot weather” back home wasn’t the only thing keeping him from wanting to return!
On our flight back to North Carolina, we got into a heated argument that cast a dark shadow over our return. Thankfully, I have some amazing friends who listened patiently as I ranted and raved—then gently but truthfully helped set me straight. Once the initial anger settled down, the Lord stepped in and I could hear Him speaking to me again. He lovingly convicted me about where I’d allowed my thoughts to go, how I had drifted from truth, and how I had been seeing things through the enemy’s distorted lens.
Back in January, during our trip to D.C. to visit Steve, God showed me something I hadn’t seen before: I have a pattern of “setting Tom up to fail.” It was painful to recognize, but the Lord walked me through a memory—reminding me of a moment when I had the choice to share something with Tom that would have made a situation better. I deliberately chose not to, and later used it as ammunition to justify my anger. That realization hit hard.
Since then, I’ve occasionally revisited that insight… but honestly, mostly just pushed it aside. However, after we got back from California, between the words of my friends and the Lord’s gentle persistence, that truth resurfaced. Although things had cooled down between Tom and me, there was still an undercurrent of tension. I spent time reflecting, trying to catch my thoughts and take them captive—only to see how distorted and twisted my perspective had become. The Lord began to reveal just how passive-aggressive I had been. I’d never really seen myself that way before, but now I couldn’t unsee it. So many times I had acted or withheld in ways that set Tom up, and then blamed him. God reminded me that if I chose not to communicate, I had no right to be angry.
Last Thursday, Tom and I carved out some time to reconnect. Things had been busy, and honestly, we hadn’t minded the space. But by then, the Lord had softened my heart. The anger was gone, and in its place was a genuine sorrow for how I’d been thinking and treating Tom. During dinner, I opened up. I told him everything the Lord had been showing me, apologized for my thoughts and passive-aggressive behavior, and shared specific situations where I had set him up—and took responsibility for them. That conversation opened the door for Tom to share what had been on his heart too. It turned into a beautiful night of emotional reconnection. It felt so good to clear the air and feel close again.
Then yesterday, a friend of mine who had recently moved away called to share how the book The Power of a Praying Wife had been changing her life. She admitted she hadn’t really been praying for her husband—other than “Lord, change him!” She was talking so fast I could barely get a word in, but while she spoke, the Lord brought something to my mind. I remembered the first time I read that book and how I, too, hadn’t been praying for Tom—because I had been so angry with him. I realized… there it is again. What is this pattern in me—the desire to stay angry?
And then the Lord brought my mom to mind—and the lightbulb went on. I still have unresolved anger toward my mother, and it’s spilling over onto Tom. People say we often marry someone who resembles the parent we struggled with most… and in some ways, Tom is very much like my mom. I now see that he has been triggering wounds from my childhood—wounds I never fully processed. Anger I didn’t even feel as a child is now bubbling up and affecting my marriage.
So now I’m on a new journey: identifying those areas where my mom let me down, so I can let that anger out in the right direction—and not pour it out on Tom anymore.
God’s timing is perfect. Today’s Oswald Chambers devotional confirmed everything:
“A spiritually vigorous saint never believes that his circumstances simply happen at random... He sees every situation as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ… The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do.”
How many times over how many years have I struggled with these same thoughts of anger toward Tom—especially during PMS? Over and over again I’ve wrestled with this, and I’m just now getting it! Talk about a slow learner… but I also believe it’s God’s perfect timing. Maybe I couldn’t have received this truth until now. And maybe the years of struggle have made the breakthrough that much more meaningful. I’m ready to dig deeper and get to the root of it all.
Lord, thank You for Your incredible patience and tender love. Our parents may not have done it perfectly, but You do. You care about our wholeness—mind, body, emotions, and spirit. Thank You for these revelations and the grace to receive them. Help me continue processing, releasing, and healing from the root causes of my anger. Show me how to let it go in healthy ways. In Jesus’ name, amen.
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