GREAT Expectations...

(Revised from November 2010)

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus…” Romans 15:5

In working with women whose spouses struggle with sexual purity I often meet with them for lunch on a quarterly basis after they have gone through the group. In these lunches we have great conversations and I am inspired and challenged. At one of these lunches I was reminded of some very important things. The one I am writing about today is regarding our "expectations" of our spouse and, are these expectations set correctly??

Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Romans 14:19

I spent many years being angry at Tom for things he "was" or "wasn't" doing... which he basically ALWAYS or NEVER did accordingly. We have a tendency to "expect" certain behaviors from our spouse that we feel are "reasonable" expectations, based on what we have heard or have been taught. BUT, are they realistic and reasonable for “OUR spouse”??  For example, if you are like the ladies who have been in my group, chances are good that your spouse is an addict of some sort.  Are we expecting them to be normal??  Are we expecting them to do, or not do, things that non-addicts do?  Every once in a while I need to review my expectations of Tom and do some adjusting according to what I discover them to be. If you have never done this yourself, I would highly recommend it, especially if you find yourself disappointed and angry on a regular basis! I suggest starting off by writing down all the expectations you have of “a” spouse (which typically are the ones you consciously or unconsciously created long before you got married). Then go through the list and ask

yourself if these are reasonable expectations for YOUR spouse (the person you actually married). If you find that YOUR spouse has never done one or more of them, or hasn't in a few years, remove those items from your expectations list.  Don't NAG your spouse in the hopes they will change to meet all those expectations (been there, done that and have WAY too many t-shirts!), but instead ask God to meet the needs in you that you feel are unmet and ask Him to help you adjust your expectations. If you do this, your expectations will change and chances are good that you will be less angry and disappointed with your spouse. The biggest changes occurred in me, and him, when I took the advice of the “Power of a Praying Wife” author Stormie Omartian and quit nagging and trying to “fix” him and PRAYED for him instead… her words were “shut up and pray!” Trust me when I say, the results were truly miraculous!!

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

Another question is "Am I still expecting him to think, communicate and behave like a woman?"  I have always said "Of course men are different than women, anyone can see that!" But then I would still get mad at Tom for not seeing or doing the things “I” would see and do...  Somehow the "logical" fact that we are different didn't sink down into my expectations of him!!  I still expected him to think and behave as I would even though I understood that he was different...  There was a serious disconnect somewhere in there!  Not only that but we are also dealing with a difference in how men and women express themselves. I think I can safely say that men and women speak two different languages, mine is “Pink” and his is “Blue”, as well as different “LOVE” languages! For example, let's say I say to Tom, “I don't feel loved, accepted or treasured”.  My love languages are "acts of service" and "quality time" and his are "physical touch" and "words of affirmation".  So, what I “want” him to do is “acts of service” like helping me with chores and “doing things” for me and spending time hanging out with me (quality time). But, being a MAN, and a man with different love languages, he attempts to show me love by complimenting me (words of affirmation) and touching, hugging and kissing me (physical touch) and then inviting me to sit and watch football with him or suggest we make love! In HIS mind, he is trying to fulfill my desires to feel loved, accepted and treasured, in the only way he knows how. But I walk away angry and irritated because, in my mind, my needs were still not met and it seemed like he was being selfish and only concerned with meeting his own needs!! Can you relate to any of this?? But the truth is, he truly WANTS to show me love and treasure me but we speak such different languages we just keep missing each other. Then, when I react with anger and hurt, he is dumbfounded and walks away feeling rejected and discouraged and wonders why he even tries!!  And of course this is a two way street. Chances are good that he doesn’t feel loved either because all I do is do “acts of service” for him while all he wants from me is to be touched and told how amazing he is :) Once we understood each other’s “love language” we are now able to show each other love in the other’s language… which takes time, desire and effort! When I first started learning how to speak his love language, I would walk by Tom on my way to doing something and, when I realized I hadn’t touched him, I would turn back around and touch him, and then go on. That meant SO much to him! Also, in the beginning, I would just “think” of things that I liked about Tom and now I make a much greater effort to actually SAY them to him. He responds so much better when I speak his love language :)

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:9

So, to bring this to a conclusion, I would encourage you again to make your expectations list and determine if they are too “Great” or if they are just right. And, if you don’t know your spouse’s love language, I would encourage you to look into that as well. Are you loving them in YOUR love language or are you speaking your SPOUSE’S? One of the biggest TRUTHS this journey has taught me is that “I am the only one that “I” can change” I tried unsuccessfully for 21 years to change my husband, now I am on the journey to changing me and boy, the results are SO much better!! I now PRAY for him and work on changing ME… of course, I am still a work in progress… :)

Have you prayed for your spouse today??  

Here is a “Power of a Praying Wife” prayer for you:

Lord, teach me how to pray for my [spouse] and make my prayers a true language of love.  Where love has died, create new love between us.  Show me what unconditional love really is and how to communicate it in a way he/she can clearly perceive.  Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything (Amos 3:3).  May the God of patience and comfort grant us to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus (Romans 15:5).  Make us a team, not pursuing separate, competitive, or independent lives, but working together, overlooking each other's faults and weaknesses for the greater good of the marriage.  Help us to pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another (Romans 14:19).

Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?  Amos 3:3 

A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.Proverbs 19:11 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self- control. Galatians 5:22-23 

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13