Remember who the REAL enemy is....

From a wives perspective of her husband’s addiction, it is so easy to get caught up with the things of this world and of the “flesh” and completely forget that there is a “spiritual” side to everything.  Especially in regards to our husband’s sexual addiction and when the impact of that addiction hits our lives so hard and painfully. We see the “person” (our spouse) as “the enemy” and the cause of all this pain, difficulty and heartache so we turn against them and start blaming, accusing, criticizing, correcting, fixing, judging, rejecting… you know all those things we do to protect ourselves from more hurt, pain and betrayal. All those feelings are real and valid but we need to ask ourselves a very important question: “What are we accomplishing by doing and saying all those things?” Are we fighting the battle correctly? Are our tactics working or making it worse? As Dr. Phil likes to say, “How is that working for you?” For me, it didn’t work AT ALL and, after over 20 years of trying, I discovered that this defense mechanism actually made things worse and seemed to dig us even deeper into the pit we were already in.

But one day, God gave me a new perspective (one of MANY in my journey of healing and recovery) and a vision that I could not see before. He helped me to rise above the temporal to see the situation from my husband’s perspective and from the spiritual side of things and when He did that my attitude did a complete 180. It’s almost like the Lord lifted me up out of the muck and mire of the flesh, hurt, pain and details of this world and my circumstance and helped me to see the “spiritual” side of things. I suddenly had a heart of compassion and love that wasn’t there before. I could finally see that my husband was NOT the enemy… He was a victim just as much as I was! Not that he isn’t responsible for his own actions and behaviors, because he most certainly is, just like I am, but he was deceived and got caught in a trap that was far more dangerous and costly than he ever thought imaginable and he can’t get out of it on his own… no matter how hard he tries. The enemy, knowing his weaknesses, baited and trapped him using the sexuality that God created him with, and set out to systematically destroy him, his marriage and his family.

The Lord showed me the constant battle my husband faces each day in the world we live in. The constant sexual images in the streets, in magazines, movies, sports ads and programs, TV shows… and the office he worked in, the restaurants, grocery stores and places he goes are all filled with provocatively dressed women… everywhere he goes he is surrounded by the bombardment of sexual enticement!  He is constantly at war with the very thing God gifted him with; his sexuality and visual stimulation. Wow. That was an eye opener for me! The world is dominated by Satan’s influence so he has complete control over the media and everything that goes over the airwaves (he is “the ruler of the kingdom of the air” Ephesians 2:2) and most if it is targeted at our husbands and children… we are at WAR for our very marriages and families and our spouse is NOT the enemy.

What I realized was that, in my “incorrect” way of dealing with this situation, I added to his difficulty each day when I beat him up verbally and emotionally over the things I thought he was doing wrong… I made it my job to correct him. I made his home a “war zone” instead of making it a place of peace and refuge from the storm and the battle grounds he was fighting in each day! I had to ask myself, “would ‘I’ want to come home to ‘me’ each day?” Am I making his home a place where there is peace and safety, comfort, love, respect and security? My answer was a clear and resounding “NO”.  When I realized this, I had a visual image of our home as a boxing ring and my husband and I are boxing it out against each other in the ring, and then I saw that there were other opponents in the ring (the enemy and his gang) boxing us out as well. We were divided and defeated as we fought against each other. Then the Lord showed me the way we were supposed to be fighting and that is back to back (or side by side), fighting the REAL enemy together. We are most certainly defeated when we are separated, fighting against each other as well as trying to fight the spiritual forces of this dark world. But together, fighting arm in arm, back to back, protecting each others backs in support and prayer, we have a fighting chance to succeed with God’s help!  

In 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 it says “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  So now, whenever I get those negative thoughts about my husband, and/or have the urge to “help him out” with negative correction or accusing comments I keep my mouth shut (most of the time anyway) and I pray for him! I lift him up for protection, strength and courage to make the right decision everyday. I pray for wisdom and for protection for his mind from the constant visual images he deals with each day. I pray that he will make the right and Godly choices that he truly wants to make in all situations. And, I leave the “changing” of my husband to God! Then I pray for myself that I would be the wife he needs me to be, supporting him and praying for him, and that I would always remember who the real enemy is so that I can “fight the good fight” (1 Timothy 6:12), fighting for and with him in the spiritual realm and not fighting against him in the physical realm.

Lord, help us all have a revelation of who the real enemy is! Help us to keep our eyes on YOU and the “spiritual” battle and not get caught up in the temporal. Give us Your eyes, Your strength, and Your perspective to fight this battle that only You can win. In Jesus name, amen.