I am still reading the book "Changes that Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud and have gotten to the section called "When we fail to develop boundaries". When I meet with women for the first time, more than any other question, I get asked something to the effect of "How long will I be feeling this pain?" My answer is that I cannot tell you how long... it depends on YOU. Everyone goes through the "grieving stage" and feeling the loss of what they thought they had, and because each one is different, everyone's recovery time frame is different,.. but it doesn't end there. There is another aspect of things that contributes to this time frame and this book does such a great job of describing it so I thought I would write it out for you:
In the Fall, our boundaries were destroyed. Since we no long had grace, we could not tell the truth about who owned what. Adam said it was the woman's fault, not his. She "caused" him to do it. Eve said it was the serpents fault, not hers, for he "made her do it." They could not admit that their own desires, attitudes, and behaviors led to their choices. They could not take responsibility for themselves. They wanted to eat the fruit and to become godlike. They thought that they should have whatever they wanted and that God really did not know what was good for them. They chose to reach past their allotted boundaries, and God held them responsible for all of those choices. Since the fall, we have all had difficulty owning what is ours. We disown what is ours and try to own what belongs to others...
Parents, children, friends, and spouses often have trouble working this out. There are two wills in any relationship, so allowances have to be made if love and responsibility are to be forthcoming. I saw a bumper sticker that read, "If you love something, set it free, If it really loves you, it will return. If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it!" We all feel this way to varying degrees. We may want the people we love to be able to make their own choices, but many of those choices are going to limit us in some way. And when they do, we do not naturally want to deal with those limitations responsibly. We would rather blame...
It is easy to say we love others, but difficult to allow them the freedom inherent in love. When they do not want to do what we want them to, then we "hunt them down and kill them" in various ways. We pout, cry out angrily, send guilt messages, and attempt to control them. These actions kill freedom and will, and eventually, they will kill love. Love cannot exist without freedom, and freedom cannot exist without responsibility. We must deal with it. This is the only way to keep love alive.
This is true even when others' freedom leads them to sin against us. The pain we feel is not our fault, but it is our responsibility to deal with... But, many times people do sin against us when exercising their freedom, and we are responsible for dealing with the injury. If we don't, we will stay stuck in a blame position, powerless against their sin. This "victim" mentality keeps many people stuck in their pain.
Many, however, do not take responsibility for their lives. (Again, I'm not saying "fault," I am saying responsibility. It is not my fault if I get hit by a truck, but it is my responsibility to learn to walk again. No one can do that for me, but they can help me. I must own the injured legs and begin to exercise them.) they remain stuck because they want other people to change. They want others to make it better, and often those people will not. As a result, they are in bondage to others. Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away... This is the essence of powerlessness...
Part of the forgiveness process is to call sin, sin. We must confess how we have been sinned against in order to forgive. However, after an appropriate period of blame, we must begin to take responsibility for the mess that someone else's sin has left us in. Our situation is part of our property, we must own it and deal with our feelings, attitudes, and behaviors to get unstuck even if we did not cause it. (The bold and italics are mine for emphasis)
I thought he did such a great job describing what "is" and "is not" our responsibility! For so many years I wanted Tom to change! I "disowned what was mine and tried to own what belonged to others". I tried to "pout, cry out angrily, send guilt messages, and attempt to control" him for 21 years... Then, God showed me the "plank" in my own eye and I started to take responsibility and deal with my own attitudes and behaviors and things started changing for the better.
I pray that these words minister to your heart as much as they did mine!! I would love to hear your thoughts on this!
No comments:
Post a Comment