“Praise be to the God and Father of
our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who
comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians
1:3-4
This
is going to be a different type of blog for me. Actually, I would rather not do
this one because I don’t like making waves, ruffling feathers, creating controversy
or bringing attention to myself. But for some reason it keeps coming to me that
I need to do this, so I will be obedient and see what the Lord does with it.
Recently my oldest granddaughter turned 15 and that is an
important age on so many levels. My testimony is not something I can share with
a young child, as it is rated more like PG. So, with this birthday, I thought
she was old enough now to read and understand it so I went ahead and sent it to
her and my oldest grandson. They have heard some of my story but most of what
is in my testimony they have not heard. Doing this got me to thinking about my
past again and the things that I did when I was young. Which brings me to the
point of this blog.
One of the things listed in my testimony is that in 1977 I had
an abortion at the age of 17. I had run away from home at 16 and was doing my
own thing and made some poor choices. During that time I was living in a long
term hotel room with my boyfriend, and working the night shift in a small
restaurant that was within walking distance since I didn’t have a car. When I
got pregnant, at first I thought I had mono because I was getting sick and
feeling rotten all the time but one of my regular customers was a nurse and she
suggested that I get a pregnancy test. She was also the one who helped, guided
and directed me, and made it possible for me to get the abortion. She even let
me move in with her for a little while afterwards.
The timing of this blog is really interesting with all the
uproar in the media with the "Pro-Life" and "Pro-Choice"
debates going on. I have thought about this a lot lately and I think that we
are all
pro-choice and pro-life… we just make different choices and chose
different lives. We can choose to be abstinent, use birth control or not… And
we can either choose our life or the baby’s life. Either way we are making
choices and choosing a life. I do understand that most people have already
picked a “camp” that they support on this topic and my intention is not
to change anyone’s mind, or to judge you for your choice, but just to share my
story. Everyone is on their own journey and I have learned to respect that and
have learned that my job is to love people wherever they are on
their journey and not to judge or condemn them. That is not my job. With that
said, my hope and prayer is that my story will resonate with you, if you have
had a similar journey, and make a difference for you or someone you know.
Even though I am a Christian now and lean more on the “pro-life”
side, I have to say that I do understand the mindset of the pro-choice because
that is where I was when I made my "choice". Like I said, I was 17, I
was not a Christian at the time and I had run away from home. I had no home of
my own and NO way to care for a child. That was a really scary place to be! If
I decided to keep the child, my life would change drastically and I wasn’t
ready nor did I desire that kind of change. To be brutally honest, the
pregnancy and the thought of having a child at that time in my life was a huge
"inconvenience" to me. Because I didn’t know the Lord then I was able
to "de-humanize" the baby which made it easier for me to be able to have
the abortion. Another brutally honest truth is that there was still a part of
me that knew it was a baby, and not just tissue, but I couldn’t allow
myself to even think about that in order for me to be able to terminate the pregnancy.
I had to shut my mind down and not think about it at all (Picture me holding my
ears, closing my eyes and saying "lalalalala").
There are two* distinct times in my life that I have thought to
myself, “why didn’t anyone tell me that I would feel this way!” The first is regarding the abortion. I have
never heard anyone talking about the emotional trauma that we go through after
the abortion. As women I believe we are “wired” to have babies and to nurture
and care for our children. It goes completely against our “grain” to abort this
process so it stands to reason that we will inevitably go through a grieving
process whether we want to or not. It doesn’t necessarily happen right away. In
fact in my case it was years before I started to face and experience my pain.
But why don’t we talk about it more? I don’t remember hearing anyone talk about
the “aftermath emotional pain”… or maybe I haven’t looked hard enough or I
intentionally avoided or ignored it? I don’t know. Granted, there are probably
many women who do not go through what I went through, but if I
went through it, the chances are pretty good that there are others who have
gone through it as well, will go through it or are going through it now so this
is why I am sharing. Maybe you haven’t heard about it either?
But this is my story, I made my choice and I am living with the
consequences of that choice… and I hope and pray that my story will help
someone… even if it is only one person, it will be worth it.
My journey involves several phases of realizations and emotional
healing with this choice that I made. I was married 10 years before I was even
able to talk about it with my husband. The first phase was in 1990…ish. I was
working-out in my garage and was listening to a program called Focus on the
Family. That day they played an audio version of a story called
"Tilly". This story was about a woman who had had an abortion and
through a series of miraculous circumstances met her daughter, Tilly, in heaven
and the grace and healing that transpired for this woman was the tool God used
to open up the door in my heart that I had shut those many years before. My
workout ended with me falling on the floor in a heap of sobs... finally
acknowledging and releasing the emotions I had shoved down and ignored for so
long. Through this Tilly story I realized that I would one day meet my child,
and that he may even wonder WHY…? Why wasn’t he wanted? Why wasn’t he loved?
Would he want to meet his mom… me? Would he be hurt and angry? Would he forgive
me? Could I forgive myself? But most importantly through this Tilly story I
felt God telling me that I was forgiven by Him and that my child was with Him. (Here
is a link to this same story, only about 8 minutes long: Storytelling of Tilly by Frank Peretti - NITOC 2014).
The
second phase of healing was in ‘96. The Lord was working on me again and he
prompted me to read some of my old journals and I ran across my journal that
documented the abortion. That got me to thinking about it again and I started
to write a poem. I knew in my heart that the child was a boy so I named the
poem "His Song". Writing this song/poem helped me to process my
emotional journey a little more and, with many more tears, it helped me to go
deeper. I was able to put into words the things that were in my heart and mind
through the years… the story of a lost child (me and my child) and the longings
and musings through the years about what and who the child might have been if I
had made a different choice. Here is the poem I wrote:
“HIS SONG”
This is a story of a girl
you may know,
who made some wrong
choices
and didn’t know where to
go.
She is lost and confused,
and very much afraid,
because, in a moment of
passion,
a new life was made.
She was young and had run
away from home,
Though surrounded by
friends,
she still felt very
alone.
Her life and future were
ever before her,
but for the life growing
inside her,
It’s future was very
unsure.
(chorus)
If only she had known the
truth,
If only someone had
shared,
this story may have had a
different ending,
and a life may have been
spared.
She was told she wouldn’t
feel any pain.
That it was simple and
easy,
no big deal, your whole
life to gain.
Just go to sleep,
Tomorrow is a new day.
But her life would never
be the same.
There is nothing that you
can do to hide,
the knowledge is down
deep inside.
You can’t run from what
you did,
no lies, drugs, or
alcohol can keep it hid.
Sometimes she wonders who
he would be.
She calculates the time
gone by,
to figure out how old
he’d be.
Would he like baseball,
football, soccer, or skiing?
Would he like art, drama,
music and singing?
She missed the chance to
look in his eyes,
to kiss his face,
to hold him tight.
To comfort him when he
cried.
(chorus)
This road we walk can be
full of pain,
heartaches, fear and
shame.
But through the life,
death and love of Christ,
we have so much more to
gain.
This story has a happy
ending
because Jesus has set her
free.
He has forgiven all her
sins
and gave her eternity!!
Now her child and her
will finally meet,
and she will wonder no
more,
about what he looks like,
or who he is, like she did before.
(chorus a little changed)
So, if you get a chance
share the truth,
and show someone you
care.
You may have a chance to
change a story,
and a life you may spare.
by Linda
Daniels 1996
The third
phase was in 2008. A good friend of mine's daughter started attending a church that
was REAL old school and traditional and she volunteered to help them do some
Easter preparations so I went with her to help. Again, this was completely
orchestrated by God, for me. When I was there helping,
there was also some preparation going on for a retreat they were planning. So I
asked what type of retreat... the answer I got cracked the door open again.
This church holds retreats for women who have had abortions and helps them to
find healing and forgiveness. Two key parts of the retreat that hit me were first,
to have the women name the child and second, to hold a memorial service for them,
officially putting them to rest. When I heard that, I got choked up and felt
tears welling up in my eyes… I knew right then and there that that was what I
needed to do. This was the toughest thing of all! You see, it was so much
easier for me to have the abortion, when it was a no-named piece of tissue. But,
if I give him a name, it makes him a "real" person and solidifies
even more the reality of what I had done. I didn't go to the retreat but I knew
that I needed to take those principles and apply them to myself. I made some
time, and with intention, asked the Lord what to name my child and I heard the
name “Joshua”. So then the Lord and I held a memorial service for him. There
were many more tears shed and I experienced an even deeper healing. My son has
a name now, and Joshua is now real and alive in my heart and in eternity.
I
believe that each one of these steps were important for ME and my journey to
Know God and my emotional healing. With each one of these healing experiences I
thought I was done, thinking I had gotten it out of my heart and system, but
God continues to surprise me and apparently there is so much more healing
needed than I ever imagined or realized! There are many layers to this “onion”
and because of His great love for me, the Lord will go as deep as I will allow
Him to go. And even now, I feel like the Lord is going deeper still with me because
of this process of sharing this story with you. More emotions have been stirred
up and I have found myself shedding even more tears in the telling of this
story to you…
You may be asking right about now, “So…what is your point!?” And
that is a good question. I mentioned earlier that I hadn’t heard anyone sharing
what happened “after” the abortion and the emotional trauma they went through,
so that is why I am telling my story. I have been dealing with my choice for 42
years now. Everyone has different stories, some with more trauma than others
but we ALL go through it to one degree or another. The bottom line here is that
there is a “cost” no matter what you choose to do. It doesn’t end at the
abortion. There is a cost in keeping the child and a cost in aborting the
child… They are both “lifelong” consequences but look different and affect us
differently. I think ultimately the bigger question in this scenario is… which cost
are you willing pay? The struggle and difficulty of raising a child, putting it
up for adoption, or terminating it? Again, each one of us will experience the
cost in different ways and degrees. But I think we can make better choices when
we are better informed of the cost for all of the choices that are out
there. I can’t speak to the adoption process but I would encourage you to look
into that as well before hand so you can make an educated decision there too.
And the other area I can’t speak into is the pregnancy as a result of rape. I
have heard an amazing story of a women keeping the child after a rape and the
blessing that child was to her… but that was her choice.
Like I said in the beginning, I don’t want to ruffle feathers or
offend anyone, but my prayer is that my story will help someone on their
journey to healing and/or make an informed choice. And if you have already made
your choice like me, may you find peace, forgiveness and a deeper healing than
you ever knew possible through my story.
Father,
I thank you for this journey and I thank you that you care about every little
detail in my life, as well as the big ones. I pray that you will bless this
blog, anoint it with your LOVE, GRACE and FORGIVENESS so that others will see
You in new and wonderful ways. Thank you for taking good care of Joshua and the
healing process you have orchestrated for MY good and YOUR Glory. With much
love, your daughter Linda :)
(*The second time I had the thought “Why didn’t anyone tell me that I would feel
this way!” was when my daughter got married. I was sitting in the chair
watching the ceremony and was overwhelmed and unprepared for the huge wave of
emotion I had no idea would come!! This emotion welled up in my throat, choking
me, and it was all I could do to keep from sobbing out loud and making a scene!
I don’t even know if I can describe it other than having the enormous realization
that I was letting go of a precious treasure that I had held so
close and dear to me for 19 years, and handing it over to someone else,
entrusting them to care for her as I did or better… That is quite the feat for
those of us who are control freaks, LOL! Just say’n… :))
