His Song...

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

This is going to be a different type of blog for me. Actually, I would rather not do this one because I don’t like making waves, ruffling feathers, creating controversy or bringing attention to myself. But for some reason it keeps coming to me that I need to do this, so I will be obedient and see what the Lord does with it.

Recently my oldest granddaughter turned 15 and that is an important age on so many levels. My testimony is not something I can share with a young child, as it is rated more like PG. So, with this birthday, I thought she was old enough now to read and understand it so I went ahead and sent it to her and my oldest grandson. They have heard some of my story but most of what is in my testimony they have not heard. Doing this got me to thinking about my past again and the things that I did when I was young. Which brings me to the point of this blog.

One of the things listed in my testimony is that in 1977 I had an abortion at the age of 17. I had run away from home at 16 and was doing my own thing and made some poor choices. During that time I was living in a long term hotel room with my boyfriend, and working the night shift in a small restaurant that was within walking distance since I didn’t have a car. When I got pregnant, at first I thought I had mono because I was getting sick and feeling rotten all the time but one of my regular customers was a nurse and she suggested that I get a pregnancy test. She was also the one who helped, guided and directed me, and made it possible for me to get the abortion. She even let me move in with her for a little while afterwards.

The timing of this blog is really interesting with all the uproar in the media with the "Pro-Life" and "Pro-Choice" debates going on. I have thought about this a lot lately and I think that we are all pro-choice and pro-life… we just make different choices and chose different lives. We can choose to be abstinent, use birth control or not… And we can either choose our life or the baby’s life. Either way we are making choices and choosing a life. I do understand that most people have already picked a “camp” that they support on this topic and my intention is not to change anyone’s mind, or to judge you for your choice, but just to share my story. Everyone is on their own journey and I have learned to respect that and have learned that my job is to love people wherever they are on their journey and not to judge or condemn them. That is not my job. With that said, my hope and prayer is that my story will resonate with you, if you have had a similar journey, and make a difference for you or someone you know.

Even though I am a Christian now and lean more on the “pro-life” side, I have to say that I do understand the mindset of the pro-choice because that is where I was when I made my "choice". Like I said, I was 17, I was not a Christian at the time and I had run away from home. I had no home of my own and NO way to care for a child. That was a really scary place to be! If I decided to keep the child, my life would change drastically and I wasn’t ready nor did I desire that kind of change. To be brutally honest, the pregnancy and the thought of having a child at that time in my life was a huge "inconvenience" to me. Because I didn’t know the Lord then I was able to "de-humanize" the baby which made it easier for me to be able to have the abortion. Another brutally honest truth is that there was still a part of me that knew it was a baby, and not just tissue, but I couldn’t allow myself to even think about that in order for me to be able to terminate the pregnancy. I had to shut my mind down and not think about it at all (Picture me holding my ears, closing my eyes and saying "lalalalala").

There are two* distinct times in my life that I have thought to myself, “why didn’t anyone tell me that I would feel this way!”  The first is regarding the abortion. I have never heard anyone talking about the emotional trauma that we go through after the abortion. As women I believe we are “wired” to have babies and to nurture and care for our children. It goes completely against our “grain” to abort this process so it stands to reason that we will inevitably go through a grieving process whether we want to or not. It doesn’t necessarily happen right away. In fact in my case it was years before I started to face and experience my pain. But why don’t we talk about it more? I don’t remember hearing anyone talk about the “aftermath emotional pain”… or maybe I haven’t looked hard enough or I intentionally avoided or ignored it? I don’t know. Granted, there are probably many women who do not go through what I went through, but if I went through it, the chances are pretty good that there are others who have gone through it as well, will go through it or are going through it now so this is why I am sharing. Maybe you haven’t heard about it either?

But this is my story, I made my choice and I am living with the consequences of that choice… and I hope and pray that my story will help someone… even if it is only one person, it will be worth it.

My journey involves several phases of realizations and emotional healing with this choice that I made. I was married 10 years before I was even able to talk about it with my husband. The first phase was in 1990…ish. I was working-out in my garage and was listening to a program called Focus on the Family. That day they played an audio version of a story called "Tilly". This story was about a woman who had had an abortion and through a series of miraculous circumstances met her daughter, Tilly, in heaven and the grace and healing that transpired for this woman was the tool God used to open up the door in my heart that I had shut those many years before. My workout ended with me falling on the floor in a heap of sobs... finally acknowledging and releasing the emotions I had shoved down and ignored for so long. Through this Tilly story I realized that I would one day meet my child, and that he may even wonder WHY…? Why wasn’t he wanted? Why wasn’t he loved? Would he want to meet his mom… me? Would he be hurt and angry? Would he forgive me? Could I forgive myself? But most importantly through this Tilly story I felt God telling me that I was forgiven by Him and that my child was with Him. (Here is a link to this same story, only about 8 minutes long: Storytelling of Tilly by Frank Peretti - NITOC 2014).

The second phase of healing was in ‘96. The Lord was working on me again and he prompted me to read some of my old journals and I ran across my journal that documented the abortion. That got me to thinking about it again and I started to write a poem. I knew in my heart that the child was a boy so I named the poem "His Song". Writing this song/poem helped me to process my emotional journey a little more and, with many more tears, it helped me to go deeper. I was able to put into words the things that were in my heart and mind through the years… the story of a lost child (me and my child) and the longings and musings through the years about what and who the child might have been if I had made a different choice. Here is the poem I wrote:

“HIS SONG”

This is a story of a girl you may know,

who made some wrong choices

and didn’t know where to go.

She is lost and confused, and very much afraid,

because, in a moment of passion,

a new life was made.

She was young and had run away from home,

Though surrounded by friends,

she still felt very alone.

Her life and future were ever before her,

but for the life growing inside her,

It’s future was very unsure.

(chorus)

If only she had known the truth,

If only someone had shared,

this story may have had a different ending,

and a life may have been spared.

She was told she wouldn’t feel any pain.

That it was simple and easy,

no big deal, your whole life to gain.

Just go to sleep,

Tomorrow is a new day.

But her life would never be the same.

There is nothing that you can do to hide,

the knowledge is down deep inside.

You can’t run from what you did,

no lies, drugs, or alcohol can keep it hid.

Sometimes she wonders who he would be.

She calculates the time gone by,

to figure out how old he’d be.

Would he like baseball, football, soccer, or skiing?

Would he like art, drama, music and singing?

She missed the chance to look in his eyes,

to kiss his face,

to hold him tight.

To comfort him when he cried.

(chorus)

This road we walk can be full of pain,

heartaches, fear and shame.

But through the life,

death and love of Christ,

we have so much more to gain.

This story has a happy ending

because Jesus has set her free.

He has forgiven all her sins

and gave her eternity!!

Now her child and her will finally meet,

and she will wonder no more,

about what he looks like, or who he is, like she did before.

(chorus a little changed)

So, if you get a chance share the truth,

and show someone you care.

You may have a chance to change a story,

and a life you may spare.

by Linda Daniels  1996

The third phase was in 2008. A good friend of mine's daughter started attending a church that was REAL old school and traditional and she volunteered to help them do some Easter preparations so I went with her to help. Again, this was completely orchestrated by God, for me. When I was there helping, there was also some preparation going on for a retreat they were planning. So I asked what type of retreat... the answer I got cracked the door open again. This church holds retreats for women who have had abortions and helps them to find healing and forgiveness. Two key parts of the retreat that hit me were first, to have the women name the child and second, to hold a memorial service for them, officially putting them to rest. When I heard that, I got choked up and felt tears welling up in my eyes… I knew right then and there that that was what I needed to do. This was the toughest thing of all! You see, it was so much easier for me to have the abortion, when it was a no-named piece of tissue. But, if I give him a name, it makes him a "real" person and solidifies even more the reality of what I had done. I didn't go to the retreat but I knew that I needed to take those principles and apply them to myself. I made some time, and with intention, asked the Lord what to name my child and I heard the name “Joshua”. So then the Lord and I held a memorial service for him. There were many more tears shed and I experienced an even deeper healing. My son has a name now, and Joshua is now real and alive in my heart and in eternity.

I believe that each one of these steps were important for ME and my journey to Know God and my emotional healing. With each one of these healing experiences I thought I was done, thinking I had gotten it out of my heart and system, but God continues to surprise me and apparently there is so much more healing needed than I ever imagined or realized! There are many layers to this “onion” and because of His great love for me, the Lord will go as deep as I will allow Him to go. And even now, I feel like the Lord is going deeper still with me because of this process of sharing this story with you. More emotions have been stirred up and I have found myself shedding even more tears in the telling of this story to you…

You may be asking right about now, “So…what is your point!?” And that is a good question. I mentioned earlier that I hadn’t heard anyone sharing what happened “after” the abortion and the emotional trauma they went through, so that is why I am telling my story. I have been dealing with my choice for 42 years now. Everyone has different stories, some with more trauma than others but we ALL go through it to one degree or another. The bottom line here is that there is a “cost” no matter what you choose to do. It doesn’t end at the abortion. There is a cost in keeping the child and a cost in aborting the child… They are both “lifelong” consequences but look different and affect us differently. I think ultimately the bigger question in this scenario is… which cost are you willing pay? The struggle and difficulty of raising a child, putting it up for adoption, or terminating it? Again, each one of us will experience the cost in different ways and degrees. But I think we can make better choices when we are better informed of the cost for all of the choices that are out there. I can’t speak to the adoption process but I would encourage you to look into that as well before hand so you can make an educated decision there too. And the other area I can’t speak into is the pregnancy as a result of rape. I have heard an amazing story of a women keeping the child after a rape and the blessing that child was to her… but that was her choice.

Like I said in the beginning, I don’t want to ruffle feathers or offend anyone, but my prayer is that my story will help someone on their journey to healing and/or make an informed choice. And if you have already made your choice like me, may you find peace, forgiveness and a deeper healing than you ever knew possible through my story.

Father, I thank you for this journey and I thank you that you care about every little detail in my life, as well as the big ones. I pray that you will bless this blog, anoint it with your LOVE, GRACE and FORGIVENESS so that others will see You in new and wonderful ways. Thank you for taking good care of Joshua and the healing process you have orchestrated for MY good and YOUR Glory. With much love, your daughter Linda :)

(*The second time I had the thought “Why didn’t anyone tell me that I would feel this way!” was when my daughter got married. I was sitting in the chair watching the ceremony and was overwhelmed and unprepared for the huge wave of emotion I had no idea would come!! This emotion welled up in my throat, choking me, and it was all I could do to keep from sobbing out loud and making a scene! I don’t even know if I can describe it other than having the enormous realization that I was letting go of a precious treasure that I had held so close and dear to me for 19 years, and handing it over to someone else, entrusting them to care for her as I did or better… That is quite the feat for those of us who are control freaks, LOL! Just say’n… :))