Preface
I first wrote this blog back in July 2019 under the title His Song. But recently, a few things have happened that nudged me to revisit, update, and even rename it. What was once His Song is now No One Told Me.
The first nudge came just a few days ago. While looking through my blog stats, I noticed that someone had chosen to read His Song. Curious, I went back and reread it myself. In it, I had mentioned listening to Dr. James Dobson’s program, Focus on the Family. The very next day, I read that Dr. Dobson had passed away on August 21st. That felt like too much of a coincidence—after not thinking about him or that program in years, suddenly he was back on my radar the day before I saw the news.
The second nudge came from a post my cousin recently shared on Facebook. She posted a National Geographic article about how, during pregnancy, a baby’s cells migrate into the mother’s bloodstream and then return to the baby—something called fetal-maternal microchimerism (and so much more on the mother and fetus interaction). I had never heard of this before, but reading about it suddenly explained so much about the deep, lifelong bond between mother and child. I’ll include that post at the end of this blog—I think you’ll find it just as meaningful as I did.
Thirdly, I had recently spent some time reading old journals, and when I read this blog again, I discovered that I had mis-remembered a couple of details. So, I felt like I needed to correct those errors.
Finally, I realized that in 2022, I experienced another healing moment that completed the second half of what began for me back in 2009. It felt like a full circle moment, one that deserved to be shared here.
So, with all these new insights and promptings, I knew it was time to refresh, rename, and repost this blog—now called No One Told Me.
“Praise be to the God and Father of
our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who
comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians
1:3-4
This is going to be a different kind of blog for me. Honestly, I would rather not write this one because I don’t like making waves, ruffling feathers, creating controversy, or bringing attention to myself. But for some reason, it keeps pressing on my heart that I need to share it. So, I’ll be obedient and see what the Lord does with it.
When I first wrote this blog, in 2019, my oldest granddaughter turned 15, which is such an important age on many levels. My testimony is not something I could ever share with a young child—it’s more like PG-rated. But with this birthday, I felt she was old enough to read and understand it. So, I went ahead and sent it to her and my oldest grandson. They had heard bits and pieces of my story before, but most of what is in my testimony they had never heard.
Sending it to them made me think about my past again, and about the things I did when I was young—which brings me to the point of this blog.
One of the things I share in my testimony is that in 1977, at the age of 17, I had an abortion. I had run away from home at 16, living on my own and making some poor choices. At the time, I was staying in a long-term hotel room with my boyfriend and working the night shift at a small restaurant within walking distance, since I didn’t have a car.
When I first got pregnant, I thought I had mono because I was constantly sick and feeling miserable. One of my regular customers, who was a nurse, suggested that I get a pregnancy test. She was also the one who helped, guided, and directed me, and ultimately made it possible for me to get the abortion. Afterwards, she even let me move in with her for a little while as I recovered.
“Pro-Life” and “Pro-Choice” debates seem to filter in and out of the media depending on election issues or law changes or reversals. But I have given this topic a lot of thought. I believe that we are all both pro-choice and pro-life—we just make different choices and choose different lives. We can choose to be abstinent, to use birth control, or not. And when faced with an unplanned pregnancy, we can either choose our own current life style or the baby’s life. Either way, we are making choices and choosing a life.
I understand that most people have already picked a “camp” they support on this issue. My intention is not to change anyone’s mind or to judge anyone for their choices, but simply to share my story. Everyone is on their own journey, and I’ve learned to respect that. My job is to love people wherever they are, not to judge or condemn them. With that said, my hope and prayer is that my story will resonate with you—especially if you’ve walked a similar path—and that it might make a difference for you or someone you know.
Even though I am now a Christian and lean more toward the “pro-life” side, I have to say I still understand the pro-choice mindset—because that’s where I was when I made my “choice.” At 17, I was not a Christian, I had run away from home at 16, and I had no place of my own. I had absolutely no way to care for a child. It was a really scary place to be.
If I had chosen to keep the baby, my life would have changed drastically, and I wasn’t ready for that, nor did I desire that kind of change. To be brutally honest, the thought of having a child at that time felt like an unworkable “inconvenience.” Because I didn’t know the Lord then, I was able to “dehumanize” the baby, which made it easier for me to go through with the abortion.
Another brutally honest truth: deep down, there was still a part of me that knew it was a baby and not just tissue. I just couldn’t allow myself to dwell on that, because if I did, I wouldn’t have had the courage to go through with terminating the pregnancy. So I shut my mind down completely ( picture me holding my ears, closing my eyes, and saying, “la-la-la-la-la” ) so I wouldn’t have to think about it.
There are two distinct times in my life when I thought to myself, “Why didn’t anyone tell me I would feel this way?”
The first was regarding the abortion (the second I will share at the end of the blog). I had never heard anyone talk about the emotional impact that follows. As women, I believe we are “wired” to have babies and to nurture and care for our children. To abort that process goes completely against our natural design, so it stands to reason that we will inevitably go through a grieving process—whether we want to or not.
It doesn’t necessarily happen right away. In my case, it was years before I began to face and experience the pain. So... why don’t we talk about it more? I don’t remember hearing anyone mention the “aftermath emotional pain”… or maybe I didn’t look hard enough, or I intentionally avoided and ignored it. I’m not sure. Granted, there are probably women who don’t go through what I went through. But if I did, chances are pretty good that there are others who have gone through it, will go through it, or are going through it right now. That’s why I’m sharing. Maybe you haven’t heard about it either.
But this is my story. I made my choice, and I live with the consequences of that choice. My hope and prayer is that my story will help someone—even if it’s only one person, it will be worth it.
My journey has involved several phases of realizations and emotional healing. I was married for ten years before I could even talk about it with my husband. The first phase came around 1990. I was working-out in my garage while listening to a program called Focus on the Family. That day, they played an audio version of a story called Tilly.
The story was about a woman who had an abortion and, through a series of miraculous circumstances, met her daughter, Tilly, in heaven. The grace and healing that transpired in that story became the tool God used to open the door in my own heart—the one I had kept shut for so many years.
My workout ended with me collapsing on the floor in a heap of sobs, finally acknowledging and releasing some of the emotions I had buried for so long. Through Tilly, I realized that I would one day meet my child. And I wondered: Would he ask why? Why wasn’t he wanted? Why wasn’t he loved? Would he even want to meet me? Would he be hurt and angry? Would he forgive me? Could I forgive myself?
But most importantly, through that story, I felt God telling me that I was forgiven by Him—and that my child was with Him.
The second phase of healing came in 1996. The Lord was working on me again and prompted me to read some of my old journals. In the process, I came across the one that documented the abortion. That stirred my heart and got me thinking about it again.
I began to write a poem. I knew in my heart the child was a boy, so I titled the poem “His Song.” Writing this helped me process my emotional journey a little more. With many tears, it took me deeper, allowing me to put into words the things that had lived in my heart and mind through the years—the story of a lost child (both me and my child), and my longings and musings about what he might have been if I had made a different choice.
Here is the poem I wrote:
“HIS SONG”
This is a story of a girl
you may know,
who made some wrong
choices
and didn’t know where to
go.
She is lost and confused,
and very much afraid,
because, in a moment of
passion,
a new life was made.
She was young and had run
away from home,
Though surrounded by
friends,
she still felt very
alone.
Her life and future were
ever before her,
but for the life growing
inside her,
It’s future was very
unsure.
(chorus)
If only she had known the
truth,
If only someone had
shared,
this story may have had a
different ending,
and a life may have been
spared.
She was told she wouldn’t
feel any pain.
That it was simple and
easy,
no big deal, your whole
life to gain.
Just go to sleep,
Tomorrow is a new day.
But her life would never
be the same.
There is nothing that you
can do to hide,
the knowledge is down
deep inside.
You can’t run from what
you did,
no lies, drugs, or
alcohol can keep it hid.
Sometimes she wonders who
he would be.
She calculates the time
gone by,
to figure out how old
he’d be.
Would he like baseball,
football, soccer, or skiing?
Would he like art, drama,
music and singing?
She missed the chance to
look in his eyes,
to kiss his face,
to hold him tight.
To comfort him when he
cried.
(chorus)
This road we walk can be
full of pain,
heartaches, fear and
shame.
But through the life,
death and love of Christ,
we have so much more to
gain.
This story has a happy
ending
because Jesus has set her
free.
He has forgiven all her
sins
and gave her eternity!!
Now her child and her
will finally meet,
and she will wonder no
more,
about what he looks like,
or who he is, like she did before.
(chorus a little changed)
So, if you get a chance
share the truth,
and show someone you
care.
You may have a chance to
change a story,
and a life you may spare.
by Linda
Daniels 1996
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
Part one of the third phase came in January of 2009. Tom and I were having a conversation with one of his friends and the Lord opened a door for me to share the story of my abortion. This opened a door for a deeper and richer conversation then we would have had otherwise.
The next day, I shared this conversation with a friend and she mentioned that her daughter attended a Byzantine Church that holds retreats for women who have had abortions. She said that during these retreats each woman goes through a process of naming the child and then they have a memorial service for them. When she said this, the emotion welled up inside me and got stuck in my throat. I knew right then and there—that was what I needed to do.
This was the hardest step of all. You see, it had been easier for me to go through with the abortion when I could convince myself it was just a nameless piece of tissue. But giving him a name made him real. It solidified the reality of what I had done.
I didn’t attend the retreat, but I knew I needed to take those principles and apply them myself. I spent some time with the Lord, asking Him what to name my child. I wanted to include my children in all of this so I called my daughter and I told her what the Lord had been doing with me in this area and told her that I wanted to include her in the naming process. The first thing she said was, “his name is Joshua….” She said it so confidently! She said she didn’t know why but that was the name she thought of when she thought of him. I started crying again because it felt so right. My son now has a name.
I wrote in my journal back then;
"Every time I say his name I start to cry… it seems to be sinking deeper into my heart now a little at a time. I am even seeing my family as bigger by one more member now, a family of five instead of four. Today I pictured seeing him in heaven and actually calling him by name when I embraced him… then I realized that until I did this, I wouldn’t have had a name to greet him with!! Oh my, how sad that would have been!!"
Joshua became real and alive in my heart—and in eternity. Joshua means “salvation” or “he saves” and it is also a form of Jesus’ name. The Lord has saved us both and is now bringing us together through my healing.
Phase two of this step, the memorial service, happened in 2022
A friend of mine, who had had two abortions, shared with me that she found an organization (Hand of Hope Partners)
that helped women deal with post-abortion grief and trauma. She went through a Bible Study with them and at the end of the study they offered a Memorial Service for the child, or children, and my friend invited me to her service. I was so honored and KNEW that God had me there for a reason.
There were many special and beautiful aspects of this service that made this such a precious time for both of us. At
one point, early on, my friend handed me something that was wrapped in a Kleenex. When I opened it up I saw a tiny, little ceramic embryo, a perfectly formed baby, that fit in the palm of my hand… I couldn't help but weep when I saw it. This little baby represented Joshua.
I
held him through the rest of the service and included him in the ceremony. This was my friend's, and her baby's service, but Joshua and I were invited, by her, to join in on the opportunity for closure. I wept a lot.
In God's amazing mercy and grace, He allowed me to be apart of this service so that I could peel back yet another layer of
healing in this chapter of my life.
I believe each of these steps were vital for me in my journey to know God and walking through my emotional healing. With each experience, I thought I was done—But God keeps surprising me. It turns out there was so much more healing needed than I ever realized.
There are many layers to this “onion.” And because of His great love for me, the Lord continues to go as deep as I will allow Him. Even now, through the process of sharing this story with you, I feel Him going deeper still. More emotions have been stirred up, and I’ve shed even more tears in the telling. But now, the tears are of amazement and joy with what the Lord continues to do in my life.
You may be asking right about now, “So… what is your point?!” And that’s a good question.
Earlier, I mentioned that I had never really heard anyone talk about what happens after an abortion—the emotional trauma that follows. That’s why I’m sharing my story. I’ve been dealing with the consequences of my choice for 48 years now. Everyone’s story is different—some experience a deeper sense of grief than others—but I believe we are all affected by it to one degree or another.
The bottom line is this: there is a cost, no matter what you choose to do. It doesn’t end with the abortion. There is a cost in keeping the child, and a cost in aborting the child. Both carry lifelong consequences, though they look different and affect us in different ways.
So the bigger question becomes: Which cost are you willing to pay? The struggle and difficulty of raising a child? The process of adoption? Or the weight of terminating a pregnancy? Each of us will experience these costs in different ways and degrees. But I believe we can make better decisions when we are better informed about the cost of each possible choice.
I can’t speak to the adoption process, but I encourage anyone facing that decision to look into it beforehand so you can make an informed choice. Another area I can’t fully speak into is pregnancy as a result of rape. I have, however, heard amazing story's of women who chose to keep their child after a rape—and how that child became a tremendous blessing in their life.
As I said in the beginning, I don’t want to ruffle feathers or offend anyone. My prayer is that my story will help someone—either in their journey of healing, or in making an informed decision. And if you have already made your choice, as I did, my prayer is that you will find peace, forgiveness, and a deeper healing than you ever thought possible through my story and the love of God.
Father, I thank You for this journey and for caring about every little detail in my life—as well as the big ones. I pray that You would bless this blog and anoint it with Your love, grace, and forgiveness, so that others will see You in new and wonderful ways. Thank You for taking such good care of Joshua and for the healing process You have orchestrated—for my good and Your glory. With much love, Your daughter, Linda :)Additional information:
The second time I had the thought “Why didn’t anyone tell me that I would feel this way!” was when my daughter got married. I sat in the chair during her wedding ceremony, completely undone by a wave of emotion I never saw coming. It wasn’t sadness, exactly—it was more like the realization that I was letting go of a precious treasure I had held close for 19 years and entrusting her to someone else. That lump in my throat was so big I thought I might sob out loud in front of everyone! No one told me about that feeling either.
And here is my cousin's Facebook post she shared from National Geographic:
“When pregnant, the cells of the baby migrate into the mothers bloodstream and then circle back into the baby, it’s called “fetal-maternal microchimerism”.
For 41 weeks, the cells circulate and merge backwards and forwards, and after the baby is born, many of these cells stay in the mother’s body, leaving a permanent imprint in the mothers tissues, bones, brain, and skin, and often stay there for decades. Every single child a mother has afterwards will leave a similar imprint on her body, too.
Even if a pregnancy doesn't go to full term or if you have an abortion, these cells still migrate into your bloodstream.
Research has shown that if a mother's heart is injured, fetal cells will rush to the site of the injury and change into different types of cells that specialize in mending the heart.
The baby helps repair the mother, while the mother builds the baby.
How cool is that?
This is often why certain illnesses vanish while pregnant.
It’s incredible how mothers bodies protect the baby at all costs, and the baby protects & rebuilds the mother back - so that the baby can develop safely and survive.
Think about crazy cravings for a moment. What was the mother deficient in that the baby made them crave?
Studies have also shown cells from a fetus in a mothers brain 18 years after she gave birth. How amazing is that?”
If you’re a mom you know how you can intuitively feel your child even when they are not there….Well, now there is scientific proof that moms carry them for years and years even after they have given birth to them.
I find this to be so very beautiful.
I began to write a poem. I knew in my heart the child was a boy, so I titled the poem “His Song.” Writing this helped me process my emotional journey a little more. With many tears, it took me deeper, allowing me to put into words the things that had lived in my heart and mind through the years—the story of a lost child (both me and my child), and my longings and musings about what he might have been if I had made a different choice.
