Broken Love

“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” Matthew 9:36

This blog was inspired by a Father’s Day letter Tom wrote to his dad. Instead of sending store-bought greeting cards, Tom has always chosen to write personal letters to his parents—heartfelt notes filled with pictures and touching words to celebrate birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day. His words often moved his mom to tears—grateful, joyful tears.

In this most recent Father’s Day note, Tom reflected on how, when we’re young, we often see our dads as superheroes—able to do anything and everything. But as we grow older, we begin to realize they’re just regular people.

In Tom’s case, he now sees his dad as a true hero—not because he was perfect, but because he accomplished so much in life without a manual, doing the best he could. He failed at times, succeeded at others, but never gave up. Here is an excerpt from his letter:

“A hero isn’t a guy from Krypton with limitless strength or some super genius who is born with intelligence, it is the everyday guy who somehow overcomes the obstacles in his life. The “Hall of Heroes” (he referenced the time he had with his dad at the Football Hall of Fame) was filled with men like that, men who found ways to succeed.”

As Tom and I talked about his letter the next day, I couldn’t help but think about my mom. She wasn’t necessarily a hero in my eyes—she was, truthfully, one of the most broken people I’ve ever known. And yet, despite that, she accomplished some pretty incredible feats of normalcy: she did life, held down jobs, put herself through school, and raised two daughters. No, she wouldn’t have won a “Best Mother” award—but considering what she endured as both a child and an adult, she succeeded in ways that still surprise me. Things most people would consider just part of everyday life were so much more difficult for her. In that regard, she really was a Superwoman.

She was molested by her father from the age of about 5 or 6 until she left home at 15. She got pregnant and then married, mostly because she was desperate to get out of the house. She lost that first child, but went on to have my sister at 16 and me at 17. After I was born, she left her husband and, somehow—just a girl of 18—set out to raise us on her own… ish. She put herself through cosmetology school and became a hairdresser, while working as a go-go dancer at night. I say she raised us by herself, but in truth, she leaned heavily on family members and babysitters to help care for us. There were even a few people who offered to adopt us, but she refused to give us up. She wanted to keep being our mom.

 “When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.” Matthew 14:14

That was her “good” side. On the flip side, because of her trauma, she lived with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and had about four or five different personalities. She struggled with alcoholism and dabbled in drugs. After she passed, I read one of her journals and, after reading about the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, she wrote that it described her perfectly—and she wondered if that’s what she had. Because of the abuse she’d endured, she only understood love through sex. There were many men in her life as she was always in search of “the right one.” Her relationships always began full of promise but inevitably ended in disaster, time after time, doing more and more damage to her already-fragile self.

When I was a teenager, she attempted suicide at least three times that I know of. I mourned her death—sometimes even hoped for it—just so she could finally be free from her misery. I lost count of how many times I grieved her while she was still alive. I left home at 16 because life had become so chaotic. The constant drama of anger, fighting, alcohol, and pain was too much. I felt I had a better chance of surviving on my own than staying in that environment.

As a young adult, I still longed for her acceptance and approval—but I never really felt like I got it. I’ve always been a people-pleaser, an approval-seeker, and all I wanted was to make her happy. But she was impossible to please and never seemed happy with me. My sister and I used to joke—though it wasn’t very funny—that we took turns being on what we called her “black list.” If we didn’t behave exactly the way she wanted, we were on the list.

At one point in my life, I completely lost it. I had once again been hit with her disapproval, and after I hung up the phone, something in me snapped. I started screaming and flailing on the bed like I was being attacked by a monster—pounding the pillows and mattress with all my might. Tom came running into the room, trying to figure out what was happening, and found me a sobbing, ugly mess. Eventually, I calmed down. I thought I’d feel better afterward—like maybe I’d released something—but instead, I was surprised to feel nothing at all. Just empty. Numb.

Shortly after that, I gave my life to the Lord, married Tom, had kids, and eventually moved to North Carolina to help start a church. Whenever we traveled back to California to visit Tom’s family, I always tried to carve out time to see my own. On one of those visits, I called my mom to let her know I was in town and asked if we could meet at the bottom of the mountain—she lived up in Crestline, in the San Bernardino mountains. But she acted like it was the biggest inconvenience I could have possibly asked and flat-out refused. I had just flown across the country and was ready to drive two hours to see her, but she couldn’t be bothered to go twenty minutes out of her way to see me.

I felt an emotional switch flip inside me. Unlike before, this wasn’t an outward explosion—it was a quiet, internal shift. I heard the Lord gently remind me that I didn’t need my mom’s acceptance or approval. He told me I already had His unconditional love and approval—and that was all that truly mattered. I believe that “switch” was God’s mercy for me. From that point on, I shut my mom off emotionally. Later, when she started calling repeatedly in drunken rages, I cut her off completely. It was my son who finally answered the nonstop ringing phone and yelled at her to stop calling. She eventually did—and I didn’t speak to her for three years.

“Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.” Matthew 20:34

 By this time, she was on state disability because her trauma had manifested physically as rheumatoid arthritis. After a lifetime of smoking, she also had COPD. Emotionally, she couldn’t even pretend to function in the world as a “normal” person anymore. So, the state assigned her a caretaker named Cecilia, who was available as needed to make sure she took her medication, ate properly, and managed daily life.

Fast forward to the end of those three years of silence on my part—God gave me a gift. Those years allowed me to focus on my own healing, and by then, I was in a much better place. In October 2003, Tom’s parents called him, asking where my mom lived because they’d heard about the terrible fires in Crestline and were worried about her. That prompted me to reach out to my sister and aunt, who were also in the area, to find out what was going on. Neither answered their phones due to the mandatory evacuation. So, I took a deep breath, hoping my mom wouldn’t pick up either—but she did. It was like we had just talked yesterday; everything between us felt normal. She told me how bad the fires were and how she refused to evacuate because she didn’t want to leave her home. That phone call opened the door for many more conversations to come.

The gift God gave me was that my mom shared how Cecilia, her caretaker, had led her to the Lord—and how she finally found the man she had been searching for her whole life: Jesus Christ. I sat down and wept tears of amazement, gratitude, and joy. After that, we shared many meaningful phone calls, asked each other for forgiveness, and I truly felt we both found closure. The smoke and ash from the fire worsened her COPD, and she passed away seven months later, on May 16, 2004, at age 61. But God used that fire to bring me the gift of reconciliation and peace. Only God. If I hadn’t called, I would have missed that precious gift of those last months of connection.

After she passed, I remember driving down the mountain after taking care of her things when the song “I Can Only Imagine” by MercyMe came on the radio. I wept again—but this time, they were tears of awe and release—as I pictured her dancing before Jesus, finally free from pain, finally at peace, safe in His arms. I didn’t grieve her loss; I had done that too many times before. Instead, I felt the joy of her salvation—the peace and freedom I had always hoped she would find.

Of course, this is the “Reader’s Digest” version— just a glimpse of some key moments so you can understand the next part of my story.

When Tom and I were talking about his father, I felt a nudge from God to write this blog. This isn’t something I would randomly choose to share on my own. I’ve told these stories to very few people in my life. Even now, I find myself wondering why God is prompting me to do this—but I’m choosing to trust Him and be obedient.

“Jesus called his disciples to him and said, "I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat..." Matthew 15:32

Before I go any further, I want to preface this next part by saying that, throughout my Christian walk, I’ve often prayed that God would help me see people the way He does—to look past outward behavior and see their hearts through His eyes, with love, compassion, and grace. I certainly haven’t gotten it right every time, but I do believe God answered that prayer when it came to my mom.

The stories I’m about to share won’t be easy—for me to write, or possibly for you to read. So before I continue, I want to gently remind you that this is my story—my testimony and my journey. I don’t expect anyone else to have the same experience or path. God works with each of us so uniquely and personally. But my prayer is that, through sharing this, you might find hope, healing, or even freedom—for yourself or for someone you care about.

This first story took place when Tom and I were working as innkeepers at the bed and breakfast— in 2011, (I found my original journal entry if you have the time and interest: Linda's Journal - July 17, 2011). We were having a conversation about emotionally broken people. Tom said something that really struck me: “It’s hard to know how broken people are, because they look so normal on the outside. And because they look normal, we expect them to act normal.” Then he added, “Like your mom—she looked perfectly normal, but she was truly a broken soul.”

Then he asked, “What if people looked as broken on the outside as they are on the inside?”

And in that moment, God lifted me up in the Spirit and dropped me into a vision;

In the vision, I was standing in the kitchen doorway at the Inn, looking down at my mom—only now, she appeared as broken on the outside as she had always been on the inside. She was crumpled on the floor in front of me, a puddle of torn flesh and shattered bones. Her head rested on top of this broken mass, eyes pleading, and her arms—from elbows to fingertips—were reaching up toward me, like she was trying to hug me.

Then I saw myself. I was standing there with my hands on my hips, glaring down at her with anger and disdain. In my heart, I was stubbornly insisting that she “be like everyone else”—that she stand up and hug me like a normal person.

When the Lord showed me my own heart—full of anger, pride, and arrogance— I was immediately humbled to my core. When I realized what I had unknowingly been doing, my heart ached. I was overwhelmed with compassion for my mom.

In the vision, I dropped to my knees, wrapped my arms around her, and finally accepted the broken love she had tried to give me—love I had missed my whole life. I began to sob, both in the vision and in real life. Even now, as I recall that moment, the emotion still brings me to tears.

God gave me the gift of seeing her through His eyes—with His understanding and compassion. And in that moment, He gave me the ability to accept my mom’s broken love.

“Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Mark 1:41

That experience was truly life-changing for me. I had no idea how much anger I had been carrying in my heart my whole life. But in that moment, the anger was released, and I was finally free! I felt more joy and happiness than I ever had before. Tom even says I became a different person—more playful and sillier than he’d ever seen me before. Only God can bring that kind of freedom.

As a side note, I did not feel guilt, shame, or condemnation for my inability to see my mom that way before. Instead, I felt incredibly blessed that God loved me enough to reveal what was in my heart and free me from the bondage of the anger, hurt and pain.

 Now, on to the next story. As you can probably imagine, being raised by someone so deeply broken, I couldn’t avoid becoming broken myself. I wasn’t a “bad” person, but I was incredibly needy—constantly searching for acceptance and approval. That longing led me into promiscuity at a young age. I had my first sexual experience at 14, and by the time I was 18, I had been with over 30 partners (yes, I actually kept track for some reason).

But then, at 18, I met Tom. And I haven’t been with anyone else in the 46 years since. That, too, is nothing short of a miraculous gift from God!

I was born in 1960 and was a teenager in the 70’s and my mom and stepfather were caught up in the free love, hippy era and when I was about 12, they talked about teaching my sister and I how to have sex, by being our first ones. I really didn’t think twice about it, not really knowing at the time what that meant and how inappropriate it was! They also wanted to be the first ones to get us high, saying they would prefer us to be at home getting high than out somewhere else with strangers that might take advantage of us… Yep, they actually thought, and said that! And then did it!! I was about 12 or 13 when they gave me my first joint!

And the other scenario happened when I was 15 (1975). My sister was not with us at the time as she had run away from home when she was 14 and was placed in Juvenile Hall and then in foster care. Instead, it was my step brother. My parents did not know at the time that I had already had my first sexual experience so they proceeded like I hadn’t. We all got high and then went into the bedroom, mom with my step bother, and me with my step dad.

Afterwards, I went into my room and crawled to bed, kind of dazed and confused, wondering what just happened. And then, unexpectedly, my mom came into my room and proceeded to have sex with me. I was surprised and still in shock. I didn’t protest, I just laid there and tried to wrap my mind around what was happening. I didn’t feel any pleasure… I didn’t feel anything, emotionally or physically. I was completely shut down, maybe even dissociated. Then she left and we never once spoke about that night or what she did.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

It took decades before I could even tell my husband. I could talk about all the men from my past, but I could never bring myself to talk about that night. Just thinking about it filled me with shame and embarrassment. The last thing I wanted was talk about it or to tell someone.

In 2001, I began having fits of unexpected, uncontrollable sobbing. I had no idea where the emotion was coming from. Sometimes, I’d be at work and have to retreat to the bathroom because I couldn’t hold back the tears. I was so confused—I didn’t understand what was happening inside me. Eventually, I decided to see a therapist. And it was during that time that I was finally able to share that story with someone for the first time.

My therapist helped me process what had happened and I came to understand that my mother truly was incapable of being a mom—incapable of nurturing me in a healthy way—because she was so deeply broken herself.

But I think what helped me most was simply talking about it. Getting it out into the open allowed healing to finally begin.

The next step in my healing came about seven or eight years ago. I was working with a woman in the Life Coaching ministry, and we were going through various workbooks together. I always say that I haven’t “arrived” in my healing, but I’ll lock arms with the women God brings to me, and we’ll walk the journey together.

After we completed one workbook, she suggested another resource for us to explore: The Twelve Steps of Adult Children workbook (for Adult Children of Alcoholics). God used that book in a profound way to help me see that experience in a healing way. One of the exercises asked about traumatic experiences, and I listed that time with my mom as one of mine.

Up until that point, I had never gone back and looked at that night in any real detail. But when the Lord gently brought me back to it, I was amazed by something I had never noticed before.

As I recalled that night, it struck me how different she was toward me—more gentle, complimentary, and kinder than I had ever known her to be. This was not the mom I had always known. She had never treated me with such love and tenderness before. I was truly dumbfounded.

Then the Lord reminded me that, because her own father had molested her so young and for so long, she simply didn’t know how to show love any other way. This was the first time she was able to express how much she loved me—in the only way she knew how. Wow. That realization was incredibly revelatory. Once again, God helped me see my mom through His eyes, and understand the broken love she had for me. It was yet another layer of healing and compassion.

Again, this is my healing journey. I’m not condoning what she did, but rather sharing how my amazing Lord has given me insight, healing, and freedom from the trauma and abuse I experienced. She showed me love in the only way she knew how. It was broken love—but it was the only love she had, and she risked doing something extreme to show me how much she loved me.

Broken love is a reality, and we all have it —whether from our families, relationships, or even from ourselves. Maybe her love seemed more broken than most, but through God’s perfect love, healing is possible. My journey has shown me that no matter how deep the wounds, His grace can transform brokenness into beauty, anger into compassion, and pain into peace.

I pray that you will invite God to heal and restore you and that you will trade in your broken love for His perfect Love. His love is patient, kind, and powerful enough to make all things new.

“He did not need man's testimony about man, for he knew what was in a man.” John 2:25

Here are some closing questions;

• Have you ever prayed to see people through the eyes of Christ?
• Is there someone in your life you need to see with His compassion, grace, and mercy?
• Could it be that you need to see yourself through His eyes of compassion?

Father, thank You for the revelations You have given me and for those moments of clarity and compassion that only You can provide. I pray that my testimony will inspire someone else to trust You with their heart—so they, too, can receive Your perfect, healing, transforming love.

Fight the Good Fight...

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 

After reading this devotion I got the idea for this blog: The Struggle - Devotion by Ray Stedman

This devotion stirred up in me some questions about what exactly the Ephesians 6:10-18 scripture means?? It is often taught that we need to fight the enemy, to battle against the spiritual realm, and in a way we do but NOT in the way we think. And this scripture is often used to back that up but, it doesn't actually say that...! Ray says in the devotional that "Through Him deliverance is obtained. Through the amazing mystery of the cross and the resurrection, Jesus has broken the power and bondage of Satan over human lives. Those who individually receive and acknowledge this are set free to live in the freedom and liberty of the children of God."

So, what are we "fighting" against if Jesus has broken the power and bondage of Satan? He then says: 

"They are not set free to live unto themselves. They are set free in order to battle. That is the call that comes to all Christians. We are not set free in order to enjoy ourselves. We are set free to do battle, to engage in the fight, to overcome in our own lives, and to become the channels by which others are set free."

Again, what are we fighting and overcoming in our lives? It is sometimes taught, and sometimes we assume, that we are to engage in a war or battle that Jesus already won... If HE is the victor, what are we fighting and battling against and for?? Ray is not real clear on this.

I have come to believe that our circumstances are designed and orchestrated by God for our good and his glory, to refine, shape and mold us, so if we aren’t fighting our circumstances, that isn’t it. And I don't believe that WE "save" anyone because that is GOD's job. So we aren’t fighting for others salvation because Jesus already bought and paid for that and all we have to do is accept it. He calls us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER, so that others will know that we are HIS disciples, revealing HIS love for people which changes hearts and transforms lives... so no fighting is involved in witnessing/loving each other either.

In talking with Tom about this he brought up the Revelation 12:10 scripture "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down." Satan is called “the accuser” in this scripture and Jesus calls him the "father of lies" in John 8:44 and in the Garden of Eden he LIED to Eve... He is a deceiver first and foremost trying to derail us from the truth, so we HAVE to know the TRUTH (who is a Person, btw). And the only way we can do that is to SPEND TIME WITH HIM.

Let's read the Ephesians scripture again, without the doctrinal filters:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:10-18

He tells us that our struggle isn’t against flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. But his instructions are for us to STAND and to STAND FIRM. He doesn't tell us to fight... He says to STAND against the "devil's schemes" which are LIES and deception. We are standing and believing in the TRUTH of what Jesus did for us, which is that He has won our salvation and the victory over the evil one and not to believe the lies, which are the enemy’s greatest weapons. The armor is a protection and a "defensive" tool with the pieces protecting us with the REMINDERS of who we are and what Jesus did for us! The belt of the TRUTH of what Jesus did for us, the breastplate of God's righteousness which we have been given, our feet shod with the readiness to proclaim the gospel of PEACE (not war or fighting), the shield of FAITH extinguishing the flaming arrows of LIES from the evil one, and the helmet of Salvation, protecting our minds from doubt and fear that come from the lies. And the Sword which is the word of God, which reminds us of God’s truth and keeps us from believing the lies that are spoken all around us. Which is what Jesus did when Satan tried to tempt Him in the desert in Luke 4:3-13.

And then the Ephesian scripture ends in telling us to PRAY in the spirit on ALL occasions and praying for all of the saints (not the world or unbelievers), that they will stand strong in the TRUTH and not succumb to the lies, falling prey to the fiery darts of deception. And this, my friends, is an important thing for us to do for our HUSBANDS (speaking to all the ladies out there). Our job as wives is to PRAY for them to resist the lies of the enemy and instead believe the TRUTH of who they are in Christ.

Again, one of our favorite Oswald-ism says "The enemy of our faith is not sin, but the good that is not the BEST". I think one of the many things we can get distracted with, and the enemy is probably behind this lie, is the idea that we need to fight Satan! And that it is our job to "save" people... instead of doing what is BEST and focusing on our relationship with the Lord and allowing Him to transform us! And praying for each other. And when we are praying, we are with HIM, allowing Him to speak to our hearts, for ourselves and for others.

Another great Oswald-ism is "When we have the right relationship with God, our ministry to Him comes as naturally as breathing"!! HIM first at all times and THEN He can work through us without us even having to think about it!!

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33

With all of this churning in my mind, I decided to do a search for the word "fight" in the New Testament and these were the ones I found... This was really enlightening to me!!

"Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:26-27

Paul is talking about fighting his own body to make it obey! Which reminds me of the scripture in Romans 7; "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do..." Romans 7:15. So, we are fighting against our own sin nature forcing it to conform to the "Kingdom" ways and not the worlds ways. It also reminds me of the “plank” in my eye verses the “splinter” in my brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5)... I need to work on ME first, to remove the plank in my own eye, and trust God with everyone else’s splinter. So, since I am the only one I can change, I fight to focus on ME and not trying to fix everyone else around me (Sheesh… SO hard to do that!).

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 

In this scripture Paul is making a clear point that we aren't waging war as the world does! How does the world wage war?? With aggression, hate, bombs, guns, knives, domination... But instead he says, we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God!! I believe this scripture is talking about our MINDS, and fighting against anything that would set itself against the knowledge of God... demolishing strongholds which I believe are the LIES we have believed about who God is and who we are in Him! Rooting out the lies and taking captive every THOUGHT making it obedient to Christ and His TRUTH! He is saying the battle is in our MINDS here. This is a "mind game" not a war with guns and bombs...

"Timothy, my son, I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to faith and a good conscience. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith." 1 Timothy 1:18-19 

In this scripture he is talking about fighting to hold onto the FAITH! Again, not believing lies that would derail you from the Truth of who God is, shaking your faith and trust in Him. And when we hold on to our faith we can hold onto our good conscience as well.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:12 

And what does Jesus say eternal life is? “Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” John 17:3. With that knowledge of God, and having faith and trust in Him we are holding onto the "eternal life" for which we were called.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing." 2 Timothy 4:7-8 

So basically, the battle is in our hearts and minds, and the sin nature, fighting against the lies that set themselves against the knowledge of God, the Truth, our faith, and trust which leads to eternal life.

These scriptures ring true with what Jesus did and taught as well. The disciples were convinced that Jesus was going to "do battle" and "fight a war" to take over the throne and become a King on earth. They didn't understand Him or His purpose in that He came to DIE, and not to make war and do battle... He came to "seek and save what was lost" (Luke 19:10) but not to defeat the Romans. He came to LOVE them and die for them so that He could be their “eternal” King. He never planned to "fight" the way the world fights, or the way the disciples thought, but to fight with the heart and mind, in Love, grace, kindness, compassion... and THAT is how He won the battle against the enemy!

The second part of the Revelation 12 scripture after it says; “For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down” is:

"...they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony..." Revelation 12:11 

This scriptures says another way we battle and defeat the enemy is with our testimony. There is power in the truth of what God has done in our hearts, our life, our marriages, and whatever and wherever there are miracles of transformation. The TRUTH, God's Truth, is more powerful than anything the world can come up with and that is what we do battle with! Replacing lies with the Truth in our hearts and minds and then when God transforms us, we share our testimony with others, love them and then people are inspired and motivated to know this God who loves them enough to die for them.

I am discovering more and more that most of what God does is so counter intuitive so you HAVE to work and fight for it, moving past our own understanding and common sense to understand His “eternal purpose” and His ways, or it just won't happen. So, we don’t fight the enemy in the world’s way, but in GOD’S way, which is very different! We keep trying to fit Him in the temporal world’s box and ways and He just doesn't fit!

​"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

The Plumb Line…

“Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

As I have mentioned before, I have been listening to the gospels and Revelation over and over again because Jesus speaks to us in these books. I have LOVED doing this because it helps me get to know Jesus, and imprint on Him and learn what is important to HIM. After doing this for almost three years now I am getting a much better feel for His truths and replacing the lies I have believed with the truth according to HIM. This has been a remarkable journey!! To say that it has been transforming would be an understatement. I guess you can say that I am becoming more and more familiar with the “Plumb line” of our faith! Our “True North”, the ROCK and foundation for our lives.

I used the term “Plumb line” because that is what came to mind when I wanted to write this blog. Here is the definition of plumb line:  1:a line (as of cord) that has at one end a weight (such as a plumb bob) and is used especially to determine verticality 2:a line directed to the center of gravity of the earth :a vertical line

And along those same lines here is a “chalk line” definition: A chalk line or chalk box is a tool for marking long, straight lines on relatively flat surfaces, much farther than is practical by hand or with a straightedge. They may be used to lay out straight lines between two points, or vertical lines by using the weight of the line reel as a plumb line. It is an important tool in carpentry…  (I thought “important tool in carpentry” was a cool reference since Jesus was a carpenter too!)

As I understand it, these tools are used to determine the straightest, truest vertical and horizontal lines possible. To make sure that everything that is done or built afterwards is straight and true for a good solid structure and foundation.

So, with that said, every once in a while I will go from listening to the gospels to listening to the whole New Testament, because I know there is a lot of good stuff in the other books as well. But, a very interesting thing has happened the last couple of times I have done this! I am finding that there are times that what is said in the other books do not always line up with what Jesus says! Are you surprised!? I know I was! And I will definitely give you some examples in a bit so you can see what I mean for yourself.

If Jesus is the “Plumb line” on which we build the foundation of our faith, then I think it is super important that we KNOW what He said, don’t you? Yes, yes… I too thought I knew what Jesus said, but what I am finding out is that I really DIDN’T know Jesus’ words the way I thought I did, but only what I was taught and told by others, and then I too passed that misinformation on. Yes, we were well intentioned but we learned it wrong from someone else and now we are playing the “telephone” game, passing on information from others, adding our own thoughts and misunderstandings as they go through our own doctrinal filters without checking with our Plumb Line. And then we try to build our faith on these rickety foundations that will only fall apart when tested. I think we can all say we have experienced something like that at some point in time, and then we wondered what happened, right?! We might have even blamed God for hurtful and painful events and may even still be angry at Him for something we thought we understood about Him or His promises that didn’t happen the way we thought it would/should!

Yes, I DO believe that God put the Bible together and that it is ALL HIS Word, and everything that is in the Bible is supposed to be there! But, maybe there are some things in there that we have to discern as to what we will apply to our lives as truth and what is just something said by the person who wrote it? Like in all things of “faith” we have a choice as to what we will believe. Let’s take the apostle Paul for example. As I read his writings there are times I think to myself, “WOW! That was brilliant and definitely Spirit inspired!” And other times he says things and I think to myself “Ok, that was just ‘Paul’ and not so much Spirit led”.

Don’t get me wrong here, I LOVE Paul and think he wrote some amazing and insightful stuff, and I don’t mean to pick on him, but he is a very good example of the point I want to make. We tend to think of the Biblical characters, especially the apostles, as “special” and almost super human but they were just normal people, like you and me, who God used to do His work. Paul, and the others, were just regular guys, and therefore capable of making mistakes, well-meaning but just human. But Jesus was God AND man and He didn’t make mistakes. So, whose words and instructions should we KNOW, pay the most attention to and follow? Which books of the Bible should we know more than any others?

Paul was raised as a Pharisee and was most definitely what we would call a “type A personality”! He did everything with his whole being! He even said that of himself in these scriptures: “My brothers, I am a Pharisee, the son of a Pharisee.” Acts 23:6.  “…circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless...” Philippians 3:5. And I think that is exactly why Jesus chose him! Because whatever he did, he did it with his whole heart! He was ALL IN all the time! But, as passionate as he was, he was still human, and not perfect.

So, as I have listened to some of Paul’s letters I can’t help but think that maybe he slipped in and out of his “Pharisaical roots”. There are times when he preached grace, love and forgiveness but then every once in a while he slips into the law, legalism and religion. Also in his humanness he confesses several times of being “afraid” and in that fear he tries to “control” the thinking and actions of the churches, enforcing rules and regulations to keep the people in line instead of trusting God with them. And in his humanness he gets hurt, frustrated and angry, just like us! But, I don’t see Jesus doing that at all! Jesus trusts God and the Holy Spirit in all ways and at all times. And of course I don’t have to tell you that there was NO fear in Him. He was not intimidated by men or demons and only did what the Father told Him to do in absolute love, kindness, mercy, grace and compassion. And He is our example of how we need to behave and treat others. So we really need to KNOW what He said and use HIS words as our foundation and True North, not Paul, Peter, James or John, not our Pastors, and not anyone else in our lives. We have to take EVERYTHING back to our ROCK and Plumb Line to make sure we have it right. I am not saying to disregard what others say but to line it up with what Jesus said to make sure it matches up with His words of Truth.

Ok, as promised earlier, here are a couple of scriptural comparisons between Paul and Jesus:

Paul:

“Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him.” Titus 3:10

“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.” 2 Timothy 3:1-5

Jesus:

“You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. … If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ....” Matthew 5:38-48

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

What I hear Paul saying is to have nothing to do with people that are sinners and broken, and not exhibiting what he would consider “Christian” behavior. Tom says he thinks Paul has a hard time with allowing people to be “in process” and in transition. Since Paul’s experience was sudden and miraculous he may not understand that it takes most us of YEARS to overcome addictions, past hurts and brokenness. What Jesus is saying is that we need to LOVE everyone, at all times and at all stages of our journey, even our enemies and those who are not easy to be around, you know, those difficult people that we ALL struggle with.

Paul:

 “I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people--not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you." 1 Corinthians 5:9-13

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? …” 2 Corinthians 6:14-18

Jesus:

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:27-31

“While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?" On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Matthew 9:10-13

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:36-37

“For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:2

Again, Paul is placing himself in the seat of “judgment” on believers AND unbelievers who don’t meet his criteria, saying not to have anything to do with them but that is exactly who Jesus hung out with! Jesus was criticized for spending time with tax collectors and sinners but He said to the religious leaders, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick”. And then He says “In the same way you judge, you will be judged…”… Oh boy.

Paul:

“But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 11:3

“For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder. I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged.” 2 Corinthians 12:20-21

“For this reason, when I could stand it no longer, I sent to find out about your faith. I was afraid that in some way the tempter might have tempted you and our efforts might have been useless.” 1 Thessalonians 3:5

Jesus:

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27 (There are MANY scriptures of Jesus saying “do not be afraid”, and you can do a search for them, but I just picked out these two)

In our “fear” we do things and make decisions that are not beneficial or Godly. I tell the ladies I meet with not to make decisions based on fear, anger, guilt, shame or condemnation because they rarely turn out well. But instead to wait for “peace” and for God’s leading. I think Paul made some emotional, “knee jerk” reactions and decisions with the churches as he was trying to guide them. I know I have done that very same thing and have had to apologize many times!! Ministering to people can be really hard and frustrating but Jesus was always steady and confident, full of love and always went right to the heart of the matter, which was their need for Him, NOT condemning them for their sin.

Paul:

 “… A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.” 1 Timothy 2:9-15

“Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self- controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. …” 1 Timothy 3:1-10

“Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel.” 1 Corinthians 4:15

Jesus:

“Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:25-26

“But you are not to be called 'Rabbi,' for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. Nor are you to be called 'teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Christ.” Matthew 23:8–10

“When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say." Luke 12:11-12

“It is written in the Prophets: 'They will all be taught by God.' Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me.” John 6:45

In the 1 Timothy 2 scripture, about women, this was most definitely “Paul” laying down rules and laws that were not taught by Jesus… But actually, I DO agree that neither a woman NOR a man should have ANY authority over us… ONLY God. When we elevate a man, or woman, it only places them in a position to FALL. How many Pastors and ministers over the years have you heard of that have fallen!? We were never meant to be in authority over each other but to be brothers and sisters in the Lord. Paul says that setting our hearts on being an overseer is a noble task but Jesus specifically says NOT to do that. We have only one teacher and that is Jesus and one Father and that is God.

In the 1 Timothy 3 scripture (which I cut short but you can look it up and read it all) he is laying down a very LONG list of the standards and qualifications of what an overseer should be but Tom commented that those sounded more like the qualifications for a Pharisee! Looking good on the outside but there’s no way to know his heart. In the earlier days, right after Jesus ascended, the only qualifications for a deacon was that they be “full of the Spirit and wisdom” (Acts 6:3) Jesus always looks at the heart. HE chose uneducated fishermen, a tax-collector, a rejected woman at the well who had been married 5 times, a demon possessed man, a leper, a blind man, etc. (The First Evangelists... How low can you go). The only qualifications were that they loved him and wanted to follow Him. It was their testimony of what God did for them that had power not their qualifications according to man. (“They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony…” Revelation 12:11)

Can you see what I am saying now? In Paul’s scriptures he is saying not to associate with sinners, having nothing to do with certain people, assigning overseers, making decisions based on “fear” and trying to control people with rules, regulations and standards that Jesus didn’t teach. With Jesus, He was ALL about hanging out with the sinners, loving, serving and trusting God with teaching and directing His followers. Whose instructions are we to follow??

Oh, how quickly we can fall back on our “human understanding” and leave the teachings of Jesus! If Paul did it, how much more will we if we aren’t intentional and determined to get to know our Plumb Line! I have SO been guilty of passing on incorrect information because I didn’t know Jesus like I should have and relied on others to teach me, so now I am determined to know ONLY Him, the truth and nothing but the truth, and I am taking responsibility for my own relationship, trusting God and the Holy Spirit to reveal the things I need to know as I listen to HIS words.

I certainly don’t want to sound too simplistic here. What Jesus says to do is HARD and we certainly CAN’T do it on our own! Isn’t it so much easier to not have anything to do with sinners and difficult Christians, and make up rules and regulations to protect ourselves and have more control over things? Oh yeah, it is! And we certainly can’t give what we don’t have! And if we don’t have a relationship with Jesus that pours out of us love, grace and forgiveness than we probably shouldn’t have anything to do with those people until we DO have it!

Tom made a great point regarding the scripture when Jesus reached out and touched the leper, he said that Jesus wasn’t intimidated by his sin and it wasn’t contagious to Him, but that His love and healing was more contagious to those around Him! What a great visual! WE would be terrified to touch a leper because we wouldn’t want to “catch” it, but Jesus knew His healing was more contagious than the leprosy! When we are FULL of GOD and His grace and wisdom we will be contagious too! So, we can be around anyone when we are aligned with our Plumb Line and not get impatient, frustrated or hurt and we will not be swayed or pulled into undesired sin and debauchery but instead, we can pull them into the Kingdom! As Oswald says, when we have the RIGHT relationship with Him and when we are completely and totally surrendered and relying only on Jesus, our ministry to Him happens as naturally as breathing!

Here is another scripture from Jesus that confirms what I am saying:

“Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? (Ouch!) I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." Luke 6:46-49

Thanks for hanging in there with me! I hope it was worth it to you! But please, don’t take MY word for it, find out for yourself! Read the gospels and Revelation over and over again, for years! Hear what Jesus says and you will be amazed at the transformation you will experience!! I am looking forward to what He will show me next!  :)

Again, MOST of what Paul says is brilliant and very much Holy Spirit led so I will leave you with one of my favorites:

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.” Acts 20:24

Father, I am so thankful for your grace and forgiveness! I am also thankful for your Truth that sets us free from sin and death. I am thankful that Your Truth brings Peace and Freedom! I pray for all of us Lord that we will endeavor to know only You and Your Truth. Help us to remove the lies we have believed and give us courage, strength and perseverance to pursue You, and only You, at all times, at all costs so we will know without a doubt the Plumb Line of our faith, our True North and the Rock of our salvation! In your name I pray, amen!