Linda's Journal - July 25, 2011

As I was reading in the True Vine this morning Andrew’s prayer at the end was so applicable to the next step the Lord is speaking to me about.

“Lord Jesus, in the faith that Thou art my Vine, and that I am Thy branch, I accept Your command as a promise, and take Your “even as I” as the simple revelation of what You do work in me. Yes, Lord, as You have loved, I will love.”

On Saturday, when I met some ladies for lunch, I was sharing my recent revelations about my mom and how that has been changing my perspective and relationship with Tom.  They asked many questions about my childhood and relationship with my mom back then and then one friend asked me if I loved my mom…  Hmmm.  That was a question I had not ever really thought about.  My initial unspoken response was “no”, I don’t think I really ever did “love” my mom.  And then that thought triggered a similar revelation I had about 10 years ago that I didn’t think I ever loved Tom either.  Again, there is a connection between my mom and Tom.  With further processing I was thinking about why I didn’t love my mom and it is mostly because I don’t think I really ever “knew” her enough to “love” her. I had so many defenses up protecting my heart, from the negative, I also blocked out the good. And evidently, that transferred into my marriage as well.

I have continued my quest to discover the ways in which my mom loved me and I am beginning to see her with new eyes and a new heart.  I can see so many times when she attempted to do something for me which I rejected and I remember times also that my actions and defenses hurt her as it showed her where I was and my lack of love and understanding of her heart and desire to love me.  Because of that I think she put up defenses too… we both wanted the same thing but our defenses shielded and prevented the very things we desired from each other.

Lord, it is only by YOUR love can we truly be healed and then are able to love others with that love.  Help me Lord to truly embrace the love you have for me so that I can in turn love others with THAT love and not my own, selfish, twisted and ineffective love.  “…Yes, Lord, as You have loved, I will love.”

Linda's Journal - July 17, 2011

More revelations! 

I’m on a mission now—to remember my mom and my childhood through new eyes. I’m intentionally looking for the ways my mom may have loved me that I couldn’t recognize or receive as a child.

Last week, while driving, a memory surfaced. I started thinking about all the people my mom arranged to care for us while she worked and went to school. Over time, we would bond with some of those couples—and they with us. A few even wanted to adopt us. But eventually, Mom would move us again, placing us with another family.

As a child, I was angry about all the constant moving. I never felt settled, and just when I felt safe or attached, we’d be whisked away again. But in that moment last week, I had a new thought—maybe that was one of the ways she loved us.

How much easier it would have been for her, as a single mom, to just give up—to let someone else take over. But she didn’t. She fought to keep us. She worked hard, went to school, and held on to custody even when it would have been easier to let go. She didn’t give us away. That realization shook me. Her way of loving us may have looked different… but it was love.

Later, on Friday morning, Tom and I were talking and he asked if I had thought of more ways my mom might have loved me. I shared that realization with him. Then he said something that took my breath away:

“Considering how emotionally crippled your mom was… imagine if that emotional brokenness was visible in her physical body.”

And then, the Lord gave him a vivid mental image. Tom described how, if her emotional wounds were reflected physically, she would be so deformed—so twisted and broken—she wouldn’t be able to function like a normal person. And yet, we kept expecting her to!

I too was taken aback by the vision that came to my mind. I suddenly saw her physically twisted and deformed in a crumpled heap on the floor, unable to stand or do anything a normal person could do. Then I pictured her trying to hold me and nurture me from that position and failing miserably as I stood there, with my hands on my hips, demanding that she hug me like a normal person…  

The thought came to me that it would be like a child who was handicapped physically and emotionally and then expecting them to behave like a normal child and rejecting their efforts to show love.  

I was completely undone. She made so many efforts to do things for my sister and I but, because of her emotional condition, it didn’t look at all like a normal persons love… but she still tried… over and over again, to be the mom she so wanted to be!!  

I was overwhelmed with emotion as I saw my mom for the first time, making monumental efforts to love me, while I stood there expecting her to exhibit “normal” behaviors and missing what she WAS doing.  

So, as this vision was unfolding, I mentally got down on the floor and took her in my arms and finally received the love she had, in the way she could give it. It was the most heart wrenching and amazing feeling I have had in a long time. 

I spent the morning sobbing as the tables turned on me and I saw my own pride and selfishness in desiring to be loved a certain way and missing the love she was giving me.  

I was receiving the love and acceptance I had overlooked my whole life and it felt amazingly wonderful. Every time I think about it I get a fresh flow of tears falling down my cheeks because it is so wonderful and healing for me to finally receive my mom’s love after all these years.

Tom came up with a really good analogy as we sat and talked about this afterwards. He said, from my perspective, my mom was handing me foreign currency and I was looking at it like, what do you expect me to do with this?! I can’t use it or spend it here!  

And I realized that am doing the same thing with him when he loves me in “his” love languages and not mine. I finally discovered the “exchange” rate and was able to convert it for my mom and was able to use it the way it was originally intended. Now I need to do the same for Tom. I need to see the way “he” loves me and be able to convert it into my own love currency and receive it. I suppose that also can be applied to my relationship with the Lord too!

This has been a very emotional week.  God is showing me so many things! I feel like this was such a HUGE step for me in the right direction and I am looking forward to experiencing the continued emotional healing and freedom that will result from this. It has already made a difference in my relationship to Tom in how I am seeing and responding to him. I am not seeing or feeling things in the old way but am now discovering new thoughts and perspectives that I have missed all these years. 

Thank you Jesus for that amazing revelation and healing moment. Thank you for helping me to finally receive what my mom was so desperately trying to give but was unable to in the “normal” ways. I am receiving my mothers love in the way she was able to give it and I am so blessed.  

Lord, I know that was YOU because only You can make these sort of things happen. Now maybe I can see and feel YOU in new and wonderful ways too.  THAT is my hearts desire… to KNOW you deeper and better every day of my life.  In Jesus name, amen.

Linda’s Journal – July 12, 2011

God doesn’t waste any time when we’re all in.

After writing in my journal yesterday, I shared with Tom the revelation about my mom—and how much of my anger toward him was connected to unresolved pain from my childhood. I told him that I’m now on a quest to discover the specific things he does that trigger those old wounds.

As I started to mention a few—like selfishness or not loving me in my primary love languages (acts of service and quality time)—Tom gently responded, “Or maybe it’s your perception of selfishness or of me not doing things for you.” Then he said something that stopped me in my tracks: “I do a lot of things for you, but if it’s not what you’re expecting or wanting, it gets brushed aside like it never happened.”

Wow. That hit home on two levels. Not only have I been dismissing my husband’s efforts, but how many times did I do the same to my mom?

Perception is incredibly powerful. It can shape our reality in such a convincing way—but is it true for the other person? That thought gave me a lot to process.

It also made me realize that the enemy had been distorting Tom’s image in my mind—drawing a villain’s mustache and cape over him, casting him as the “bad guy.” But yesterday morning, God stripped that false image away. I suddenly saw more clearly. Tom isn’t perfect—he has his flaws—but I had been projecting additional faults onto him based on my own pain, making him out to be far worse than he really is. Without the mask and cape, he’s so much more attractive to me—inside and out.

Later that day, I brought dinner to my friend Susie, who’s in the middle of a move. As I shared all these revelations with her—Susie, who had lovingly helped set me straight just days before—her eyes filled with tears. She reached out, hugged me tightly, and cried. Then she said something I will never forget:

“I’m so, so sorry, Linda, for what you endured as a child. The very person who should have protected you from injury was the one who inflicted it.”

She pulled back, looked into my eyes with such tenderness, and said, “You are so beautiful, Linda.” She spoke words over me that made me feel seen, loved, and special.

In that moment, it felt like I was a child again—and she was standing in as the mother I never had, speaking for the first time the words I had longed to hear. I was overwhelmed… but I was able to receive them. And I will allow those words to begin healing that part of my heart.

When I got home, I shared all of this with Tom. I let the emotions flow.

My mom was so young—emotionally and relationally immature—when she became a parent. She had no idea how to nurture or care for two little girls. She was too caught up in her own struggles and needs to notice ours. As a child, I never really felt loved, nurtured, or “special.” My sister and I often felt like inconveniences—always in the way.

Even as I say this, I recognize that this was my perception. My mom probably did love me—but she didn’t know how to express it in a way I could receive or recognize.

Through tears, I asked Tom if he ever felt like I was an “inconvenience” or an “imposition.” He said not really—maybe in a moment or two, but not as an ongoing feeling.

That’s when another connection hit me. When Tom shows impatience with me, my emotional reaction can be so intense. Could it be that I’m connecting his impatience to the rejection I felt as a child? As a lifelong people-pleaser, I try so hard to avoid rejection. So when he’s impatient, it touches that deep wound—and I perceive his impatience as rejection.

That was a huge realization.

And then I thought… how often do we do this to God?

How often do we project a villain’s mask onto Him—assuming He’s treating us like our parents did, accusing Him of things He never did, interpreting His silence or delay as disinterest or rejection?

Yesterday’s Oswald Chambers devotion said that God walks us through these kinds of moments so that we can gain a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ. But if our perception of Him is clouded or distorted, then our knowledge of Him is flawed too.

Lord, please reveal all the ways my perception is off. Show me where I’m not seeing You clearly. Remove the mask I’ve placed on Your face, and let me see You as You truly are—loving, caring, compassionate, and delighting in me. Help me receive the truth of Your love, and know deep down that I am cherished and special in Your sight.

Linda's Journal - July 11, 2011

Once again, the Lord is working something out in me.

Looking back, I realize my earlier journal entry—written while Tom was in California—left out a lot of the turmoil going on inside my heart and mind. I had taken the bait the enemy laid before me. Negative thoughts about Tom flooded in, and I was hooked—being reeled in fast. I found myself focusing, yet again, on all the things Tom doesn’t do instead of recognizing what he does do. The more I fed those thoughts, the angrier I became. I was not pleasant toward him at all, and let’s be honest, the “hot weather” back home wasn’t the only thing keeping him from wanting to return!

On our flight back to North Carolina, we got into a heated argument that cast a dark shadow over our return. Thankfully, I have some amazing friends who listened patiently as I ranted and raved—then gently but truthfully helped set me straight. Once the initial anger settled down, the Lord stepped in and I could hear Him speaking to me again. He lovingly convicted me about where I’d allowed my thoughts to go, how I had drifted from truth, and how I had been seeing things through the enemy’s distorted lens.

Back in January, during our trip to D.C. to visit Steve, God showed me something I hadn’t seen before: I have a pattern of “setting Tom up to fail.” It was painful to recognize, but the Lord walked me through a memory—reminding me of a moment when I had the choice to share something with Tom that would have made a situation better. I deliberately chose not to, and later used it as ammunition to justify my anger. That realization hit hard.

Since then, I’ve occasionally revisited that insight… but honestly, mostly just pushed it aside. However, after we got back from California, between the words of my friends and the Lord’s gentle persistence, that truth resurfaced. Although things had cooled down between Tom and me, there was still an undercurrent of tension. I spent time reflecting, trying to catch my thoughts and take them captive—only to see how distorted and twisted my perspective had become. The Lord began to reveal just how passive-aggressive I had been. I’d never really seen myself that way before, but now I couldn’t unsee it. So many times I had acted or withheld in ways that set Tom up, and then blamed him. God reminded me that if I chose not to communicate, I had no right to be angry.

Last Thursday, Tom and I carved out some time to reconnect. Things had been busy, and honestly, we hadn’t minded the space. But by then, the Lord had softened my heart. The anger was gone, and in its place was a genuine sorrow for how I’d been thinking and treating Tom. During dinner, I opened up. I told him everything the Lord had been showing me, apologized for my thoughts and passive-aggressive behavior, and shared specific situations where I had set him up—and took responsibility for them. That conversation opened the door for Tom to share what had been on his heart too. It turned into a beautiful night of emotional reconnection. It felt so good to clear the air and feel close again.

Then yesterday, a friend of mine who had recently moved away called to share how the book The Power of a Praying Wife had been changing her life. She admitted she hadn’t really been praying for her husband—other than “Lord, change him!” She was talking so fast I could barely get a word in, but while she spoke, the Lord brought something to my mind. I remembered the first time I read that book and how I, too, hadn’t been praying for Tom—because I had been so angry with him. I realized… there it is again. What is this pattern in me—the desire to stay angry?

And then the Lord brought my mom to mind—and the lightbulb went on. I still have unresolved anger toward my mother, and it’s spilling over onto Tom. People say we often marry someone who resembles the parent we struggled with most… and in some ways, Tom is very much like my mom. I now see that he has been triggering wounds from my childhood—wounds I never fully processed. Anger I didn’t even feel as a child is now bubbling up and affecting my marriage.

So now I’m on a new journey: identifying those areas where my mom let me down, so I can let that anger out in the right direction—and not pour it out on Tom anymore.

God’s timing is perfect. Today’s Oswald Chambers devotional confirmed everything:

“A spiritually vigorous saint never believes that his circumstances simply happen at random... He sees every situation as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ… The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do.”

How many times over how many years have I struggled with these same thoughts of anger toward Tom—especially during PMS? Over and over again I’ve wrestled with this, and I’m just now getting it! Talk about a slow learner… but I also believe it’s God’s perfect timing. Maybe I couldn’t have received this truth until now. And maybe the years of struggle have made the breakthrough that much more meaningful. I’m ready to dig deeper and get to the root of it all.

Lord, thank You for Your incredible patience and tender love. Our parents may not have done it perfectly, but You do. You care about our wholeness—mind, body, emotions, and spirit. Thank You for these revelations and the grace to receive them. Help me continue processing, releasing, and healing from the root causes of my anger. Show me how to let it go in healthy ways. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Did you "INVITE" or did you "GIVE"?

One day Tom and I were talking about God and bouncing thoughts and ideas off of each other and Tom made a distinction that really hit home with me (and I think it did him too!).  It is something that I still process and something the Lord continues to remind me of as I face my daily struggles in this world and with my flesh. The distinction Tom made, which I think is for all of us who call ourselves “Christians”, was: “Did you “invite” the Lord into your life or did you “give” your life to Christ?” Wow.  Those are two completely different things yet, I had not seen that before! I have often used the words “invite” or “give” interchangeable when talking about salvation and walking as a Christian but, really, they are two entirely different words!

Invitation

When I think of the word “invite” I see it as bringing someone into my life to participate in something that I designate.  So, to invite Jesus into my life would be like having the option of including Him in things or not.  I can invite him to join me for church, meals or to meetings or even hang a picture of Him on my mantle and talk fondly about Him with others or call on Him when I need help, comfort or support when things don’t seem to be going quite right in my life.  So basically, I can do all the things that I want to do and consider him as a convenience and a resource to call upon when needed.

To Give

Now when I “give” something to someone it is no longer MINE but it belongs to the person I gave it to.  I can no longer call the shots or control what happens to it.  To give your life to Christ would look completely different than inviting Him into it.  In effect we are saying, “Lord, I am your bondservant and I no longer live my life the way I want to (Galatians 2:20) but now YOU have control over my life. YOUR will be done… no matter what you ask of me, or how hard or illogical it is or what others may think, I am Your servant Lord and I surrender all my heart, mind, body and soul to You.”  Yeah, I think there is a little bit of a difference here between the two words...

When I look at scripture the disciples called themselves “servants” of Christ (or bondservants in the KJV).  The original word used is “doulos” which Thayer defines as:

1) a slave, bondman, man of servile condition 1a) a slave

1b) … one who gives himself up to another’s will…

1c) devoted to another to the disregard of one’s own interests

2) a servant, attendant

So, basically they considered themselves as slaves to Christ, giving their lives and themselves over to His will and disregarding their own interests being a servant and an attendant to their Lord!!  How many Christians do you see living like THAT in this day and age?!

What happened to the “Giving our lives to Christ” message in churches anymore?  When did that change?  How subtly different the new phrase is and how it just moved right in without any notice!?  Interesting, isn’t it?  I think I smell a deceiver in here somewhere, don’t you?  Now, you can just “invite” Christ into YOUR life and you don’t have to give up anything or GIVE your life to Him anymore…  It’s so easy, painless and convenient… anyone can do it!  

I love Oswald’s take on this:

The Conditions of Discipleship

Luke 14:26-27, 33 – “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple… In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”

If the closest relationships of a disciple's life conflict with the claims of Jesus Christ, then our Lord requires instant obedience to Himself. Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a Person --- our Lord Jesus Christ... To be a disciple is to be a devoted bondservant motivated by love for the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not truly devoted to Jesus Christ... We may admire, respect, and revere Him, but we cannot love Him on our own…

So, the question that comes to my mind at this point is, are we truly saved when we just “invite” Jesus into our lives or does salvation come when we “give” our life to Jesus?

Lord I pray that as we learn to “Love you with all our heart, mind, soul and strength…” (and even with our life) that you would show us what it really means to be a disciple, a bondservant to You and Your Kingdom. To give up our lives and surrender everything in them for service to You.  Give us a revelation of what it truly looks like in our lives, to be a servant of the Most High God, surrendering, yielding and giving our lives to You.  In Jesus name, Amen!