The “theme” for this year continues to be “Intimacy”! It seems like everywhere we turn and every book we read “intimacy” is mentioned or focused on. God is so cool like that! Case in point is something that happened last night. Bud and Beth are “re-working” their phone system and inadvertently had our internet connection at the Inn cut off so in order to check our emails we went to Borders down the street. While we were at Borders I walked by a table with 5 women seated there and I noticed a pink “Bible study” type book that was placed in front of each woman. Being the curious person that I am, I read the title of the book which was “Intimacy with God”!! I had to laugh at God’s funny ways :) So, after a few minutes I had to walk over to them and inquire about the book and ask if they had started the study yet and if so, would they could recommend it. I shared with them my theme of “intimacy” that God gave me which prompted me to ask about it. Well, these wonderful ladies ended up giving me a book!!! I was so blessed!! I am really looking forward to diving in and seeing what God has for me since He orchestrated such an interesting way of getting it to me :)
After about an hour or so of doing my emails and stuff, I pondered that whole situation and felt led to give each one of the ladies one of my cards (with my email and phone) and let them know what Tom and I did in case they knew of anyone who could use some help with getting free from pornography addiction. I felt like it was my offering to them, a way I could be a blessing to them the way they were a blessing to me.
The Intimacy class is still helping Tom and I dig deep and discover more things about ourselves and each other. This morning our homework was to go back to our childhood and upbringing and try to connect some of our thoughts and beliefs to things that were said and done to us as kids. I looked down the road of my past once again but this time with a different pair of eyes and at a road I had not traveled just yet. I have dealt with my “mom” and “dad” issues but I had not gone down the path of how my sister had affected me!! Very interesting stuff… I was impacted even more by the fact that there was not a singe relationship in my life as a child that was safe or nurturing. I realized that I have NO CLUE what a true, intimate, close relationship really “feels” like!! I think I can recognize one when I “see” it but I don’t think I have ever “felt” one. Although, I do have to say that in the 30 years that I have been with Tom, I can remember a handful of times that we had an amazing time of “connection”… but they were VERY few and far between. So, at this point I am left with a realization that, without God’s help, I will never truly know how to develop a close and intimate relationship with anyone! What comes to my mind is the scripture that talks about Jesus giving sight to a man born blind, only GOD could give that man sight and then help his brain to understand what he was seeing and be able to function normally as a “sighted” person. That is sort of what I am feeling… it’s almost like I never had the capability to connect emotionally the proper way and I need the miraculous touch of God to open up those doors and pathways in my heart and in my brain to make it happen so that I can “emotionally” see God and my husband in the deep and intimate ways that He designed us to have.
Thank you Lord that YOU are capable and that You are leading me by the hand and walking me down this wonderful road of knowing You better! I pray that I can trust you every step of the way and allow you to do what is needed and not hinder this process in any way.
