Are our "EXPECTATIONS" set correctly?

I wanted to follow up with you regarding our lunch meeting last Saturday.  As usual, we had a really good discussion and God showed us and reminded us of some very important things.  One of the things was regarding our "expectations"... Are they set correctly??  I know I spent many years being angry at Tom for things he "was" or "wasn't" doing... which he basically ALWAYS or NEVER did accordingly  We have a tendency to "expect" certain behaviors from our spouse that we feel are "reasonable" expectations, based on what we have heard or have been taught... BUT are they realistic and reasonable for OUR spouse??  If you are in my group, chances are good that your husband is an addict of some sort.  Are we expecting them to be normal??  Are we expecting them to do things that non-addicts do?  Every once in a while I need to review what my expectations of Tom are and do some adjusting according to what I discover them to be. If you have never done this, start off by writing down all the expectations you have of your husband.  Then go through and ask yourself "has he ever done these things?"And then "has he done them in the last few years?"  If he has never done them or hasn't in a few years, remove them from your expectations list and ADD them to your PRAYER list. Don't NAG HIM but petition God for those needs to be met in your life and allow HIM to make the needed changes in your husband and/or you.  If you do this, chances are good that you will be less angry and disappointed with your husband. 

Another expectation question is; "Are we still expecting them to think, communicate and behave like a women?"  I have always said "of course men are different than women, anyone can see that!" But then I would still get mad at Tom for not seeing the things I see (i.e. the overflowing trash, dirty bathroom, clothes on the floor....), or do the things I would do...  Some how the "logical" fact that they are different didn't seem to sink down into my expectations of him!!  I still expected him to think and behave as I would even though I understood that he was different...  somehow, there was a serious disconnect somewhere in there!  Not only that but we are also dealing with a difference of how "men" express themselves. I think I can safely say that men and women speak two different languages!  For example: Let's say I say to Tom, I don't feel loved, accepted or treasured.  My love languages are "acts of service" and "quality time" and his is "physical touch" and "words of affirmation".  Soooo, being a MAN and a man with different love languages, he attempts to show me love by complimenting me and touching, hugging and kissing me when I am trying to get something accomplished and then inviting me to sit and watch football with him and then suggest we make love!!  In HIS mind, he is trying to fulfill my desires to feel loved, accepted and treasured but I walk away angry and irritated because, in my mind, those needs were still not met and it just seemed like he was being selfish and meeting his own needs!!  Can you relate to any of this??  But the truth is, he truly WANTS to show me love and treasure me but we just speak such different languages we keep missing each other. Then, when I react with anger and hurt, he is dumbfounded and walks away feeling rejected and discouraged and wonders why he even tries!!  I have decided that I need to be a student of my husbands "man speak" and his "love languages" and quit expecting him to think, act and behave like I would!!

Last but not least, another thing that we talked about was how women tend to avoid sex while that seems to be the very thing our husbands want most from us!  There is A LOT to this subject that I will not even attempt to go into at this point but as I was processing it over the weekend, I had a thought;  Why is it that we (women) have the mindset that we are "giving" of ourselves when our husbands want to make love instead of seeing it as an opportunity to "receive" something from our husbands?  For most of my marriage my mindset was "I have poured myself out throughout the day and I have nothing left to give....", (which is so wrong on several different levels) but, isn't that something that HE GIVES to me too??  Rather than feeling like it will "empty" my tank even more, wouldn't it instead be "filling" my tank?? (no pun intended here... :))  Anyway, I just thought I would run that by you guys and see what your thoughts were on that.

Have you prayed for your husband today??  Here is a Power of a Praying wife prayer for you :

Lord, teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love.  Where love has died, create new love between us.  Show me what unconditional love really is and how to communicate it in a way he can clearly perceive.  Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything (Amos 3:3).  May the God of patience and comfort grant us to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus (Romans 15:5).  Make us a team, not pursuing separate, competitive, or independent lives, but working together, overlooking each other's faults and weaknesses for the greater good of the marriage.  Help us to pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another (Romans 14:19).

"Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."  Galatians 6:9

With much love and prayer,

Your servant in Christ,

Linda :)

So, you think you can DANCE?

Last night I met with a dear friend and she shared with me a wonderful story and revelation the Lord showed her this last month.  To set the stage a little, in her personal story, her husband chose to not work on the marriage so they have been divorced for about 3 years.  During these last few year she has allowed the Lord to be her teacher, husband, friend and companion and she has grown in leaps and bounds in her walk with the Lord and in her healing.  It has been such an honor and privilege to walk along side of her and watch her grow :)  

Anyway, she recently had an opportunity to take a "Swing dancing" class, and despite her "Baptist" upbringing and feelings that she might be doing something "wrong"... she went ahead and gave it a try.  She LOVED it and is now HOOKED on dancing :)  So, the story she relayed to me last night was; during the classes, the instructor was telling the lady's that in order for them to know what the "leader" wanted them to do, they had to "press in" to the leaders hands (the visual would be, hands up to about chest level, face to face, hand to hand, with the man leading with his hands) and if the dance required his arms on her back, she was to lean back into his hand on her back to get the signals.  The instructor also said that they needed to "relax" and TRUST that the leader is directing them correctly, and at one point even had them close their eyes so they could learn to "feel" the leading and the signals without trying to anticipate or try to lead themselves.  She said the instructor mentioned that if you don't press in, relax and trust your partner, you will end up with a lot of "miss steps" and eventually end up doing your own dance and even stepping on and hurting your partner...  (Can you see where this is leading??)  In the dance classes, she is learning how to relax and trust her partner and she said it was the most amazing and "freeing" experience she has ever felt!  To just "relax" and let HIM lead made the dance so much easier and so much more fun!! So, my friend said that God gave her a huge revelation of how she messed up in her marriage in this regard...  She said that, FIRST OF ALL, her first dance partner was GOD, and that in His dance with her, He was leading her away from the guy that she wanted to marry but instead of relaxing and trusting Him with leading the dance, she went off and started another dance all her own.  And, once she was married, she lost confidence in her husbands ability to lead so she started leading the dance herself...  and once again ended up dancing alone.

I just LOVE this analogy!!  The "pressing in" to God first to get your instructions from Him and then... press into your husband and allow him to lead... no matter what decisions he makes (which can be REALLY hard and scary sometimes!!  This is when I say, don't trust your husband so much as trust GOD with your husband!), and lean into him and allow him to lead the dance.  I know this sounds very "simplistic" and I would have to agree... but at the same time, I believe we can ALL glean something from this analogy and her revelation.  I pray that we all will allow God to speak to our hearts and see if we can relate and apply some of this to our own walk with the Lord and marriages.

I think our first and foremost miss-step is always not allowing GOD to lead us in the dance of our lives to begin with... not wanting to WAIT on HIM and His timing and His choices for us.  We always think we know so much better what we need and want than He does!  But... He created us and knows every hair on our head and HE knit us together in our mothers womb... How can He NOT know our hearts and what is best for us!?  Lord, please forgive us for not trusting You to lead us in the dance of our lives!  Help us Lord to PRESS IN to YOU so that we can feel Your leading and Your directional signals for each day of our lives... not only in our marriages but in our jobs, as parents, as servants...  Thank you Lord for being "The LORD of the DANCE"!!  

(I have attached the link to the song "Lord of the Dance" by Steven Curtis Chapman that I thought would be a great ending to this blog :):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_MnQxAd16k

With much love and prayer,

Your fellow servant and dancer,

Linda :)

Don't resent the tools that God uses to shape us...

I had a great time with the Lord this morning and decided to share a little story with you but first here is how I got there.  As usual, I started off my day with Oswald (http://utmost.org/) and his scripture was Hebrews 11:6: "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."  Notice the important "qualifying" part... "those who EARNESTLY seek HIM"?  How easy it is to miss that part!  Anyway, that led me to reading chapters 11 and 12 of Hebrews which the author is encouraging his readers to not give up, to endure the suffering to look at those who went before them and see them as examples for us to follow...  By faith...Noah, Abraham, Isaac... Moses... lived against all odds and believed God and it was credited to them as righteousness... even though they never saw the fulfillment of God's promises.

So, after I read these chapters I decided to read one of the commentaries in e-sword and here is an excerpt of the commentary that I read:

"The Christian view of suffering is now presented. Why do persecution, testings, trials, sickness, pain, sorrow, and trouble come into the life of the believer? Are they a sign of God's anger or displeasure? Do they happen by chance? How should we react to them? These verses teach that these things are part of God's educative process for His children. Although they do not come from God, He permits them, then overrules them for His glory, for our good, and for the blessing of others. Nothing happens by chance to the Christian. Tragedies are blessings in disguise, and disappointments are His appointments. God harnesses the adverse circumstances of life to conform us to the image of Christ."

When I read the last line it reminded me of the story I mentioned earlier that I wanted to share.  Tom and I heard a great audio teaching where the teacher talks about three guys that followed him around and went to every speaking engament he had and made it their business to annoy, aggravate and disrupt his life as much as possible (He called them the 3 Stooges!).  He talked about how he hated these guys and tried everything to get them to stop following and harassing him but they just kept coming! Then he told us that God gave him a dream and in that dream he was sitting in God's lap and God asked him if he would like to see a sculpture that He was making.  Of course he said yes so God brought out this piece of sculpture and it was looking pretty good but it was still not quite finished and there people that were still working on it.  God asked him if he wanted to know who he was sculpting and then He asked him if he wanted to know who was working on it.  Well, the piece of art work was HIM and the workers were the three Stooges that were making him miserable!!  Then God said to him, "Don't resent the tools I use to form and shape you"...  From then on, he went out of his way to say "hi" to the guys and be nice to them and eventually they went away.

I bring these two things up, the commentary and the story to remind us that God is not surprised by anything that happens to us!!  Bad things that happen to us are not to punish us (although sometimes they are the consequences of our actions), having an illness, financial struggles or even a husband that struggles with pornography are not accidents... or punishments, they are tools that God is using to form and shape you!!  In the book "Lies Women Believe and the Truth that sets them free" one of my favorite statements Nancy Leigh DeMoss makes is "Our circumstances do not make us who we are but they REVEAL who we are"!?  What has your circumstances revealed about you??  Will you allow God to use these tools to form and shape you?

Father, I pray right now that we all will not resent the tools you use to form us!  Help us Lord to be yielded to Your working and skillful hands and allow You to form and shape us into the image of Christ more and more every day.  Help us to trust You with all things in our lives and surrender everything to you,  In Jesus name, amen!

Is the "EASY" way the "Best" way?

This is another follow up of something God showed me at the Thursday night group. One of the things I shared was regarding my old way of reacting and responding to Tom.  As I was thinking back and remembering how I handled things, I was able to see that my reactions and behaviors were "automatic" for me... which meant that these thoughts, feelings and reactions came "easy" to me.  All the judgmental thoughts and comments, the criticisms, the negative thoughts, the self righteous "I'm better than you" attitudes and treatments...  all those things came very natural to me!  They just slipped right off my tongue like butter and with hardly a thought!  But, saying and doing all of those things did NOT make me happy... well, maybe for a moment or two :)  But, in actuality, It seemed the more I said and did those things, the more I wanted to do them and no matter how much I did, it did not "satisfy" me!  It was never enough...

Now, I am taking the "harder" road and learning a NEW way of thinking, speaking and reacting.  God is transforming me, from the inside out, as I seek HIM and His ways and righteousness and I am MUCH happier!  

So, in essence I am realizing even more that, before, I was taking the easy way but that didn't making me happy but when I decided to chose "God's" way, even though it was much harder because it went against my selfish "flesh", the result is that I am finding more joy, peace and happiness than I did before!  I always seem to go back to the "eating right and exercising" analogy; Who wants to eat salads and vegetables all the time (besides me :)), and who wants to workout to loose weight?  Just give me a pill that will "melt" the pounds off of me and let me eat whatever I want!!  "Easy" is not always the "best" for us.  If we want what is best for us we HAVE to do the WORK.  That is a natural law and nothing anyone says can change that!  Just like our husbands, if they don't do the work to be freed from the addiction, they won't get the desired results.  

So, I guess I am saying all this to encourage you to keep seeking the Lord and looking to HIM for all things and take your eyes off of your husband.  Do the work on yourself and trust God to do what needs to be done with your man.  It is MUCH harder but the results are much better too :)  There are many verses in the Bible that talk about "pressing on" (Philippians 3:12&14), "straining ahead" (Philippians 3:13) , "crucifying yourself" (Galatians 2:20 and Romans 6:6), taking up your cross daily (Luke 9:23), running the race (1 Corinthians 9:24)... all these scriptures indicate that there is much effort to achieving the "goal" and the "prize"... And what is the prize you may be asking?  I believe it is the "knowledge" of God...  As we seek, strain and press into our Lord and Savior He reveals Himself to us and we become more like Him and then our lives are the testimony of a "transforming" and loving God and the "Gospel" is preached to all who are watching!

Father, I thank you so much for your Word of Truth and transforming power in our lives.  I pray that we each press, strain, and run towards You more and more every day!  I pray that You give us the strength we need to set aside our fleshly desires and pick up Your cross, ways and attitudes in our lives.  Help us to become the women, wives and mothers you created us to be, in Jesus name, amen!

Are we playing the BLAME game...?

I am still reading the book "Changes that Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud and have gotten to the section called "When we fail to develop boundaries".  When I meet with women for the first time, more than any other question, I get asked something to the effect of "How long will I be feeling this pain?"  My answer is that I cannot tell you how long... it depends on YOU.  Everyone goes through the "grieving stage" and feeling the loss of what they thought they had, and because each one is different, everyone's recovery time frame is different,.. but it doesn't end there.  There is another aspect of things that contributes to this time frame and this book does such a great job of describing it so I thought I would write it out for you:

In the Fall, our boundaries were destroyed.  Since we no long had grace, we could not tell the truth about who owned what.  Adam said it was the woman's fault, not his.  She "caused" him to do it.  Eve said it was the serpents fault, not hers, for he "made her do it."  They could not admit that their own desires, attitudes, and behaviors led to their choices.  They could not take responsibility for themselves.  They wanted to eat the fruit and to become godlike.  They thought that they should have whatever they wanted and that God really did not know what was good for them.  They chose to reach past their allotted boundaries, and God held them responsible for all of those choices.  Since the fall, we have all had difficulty owning what is ours.  We disown what is ours and try to own what belongs to others...

Parents, children, friends, and spouses often have trouble working this out.  There are two wills in any relationship, so allowances have to be made if love and responsibility are to be forthcoming.  I saw a bumper sticker that read, "If you love something, set it free, If it really loves you, it will return.  If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it!"  We all feel this way to varying degrees.  We may want the people we love to be able to make their own choices, but many of those choices are going to limit us in some way.  And when they do, we do not naturally want to deal with those limitations responsibly.  We would rather blame...

It is easy to say we love others, but difficult to allow them the freedom inherent in love.  When they do not want to do what we want them to, then we "hunt them down and kill them" in various ways.  We pout, cry out angrily, send guilt messages, and attempt to control them.  These actions kill freedom and will, and eventually, they will kill love.  Love cannot exist without freedom, and freedom cannot exist without responsibility.  We must deal with it.  This is the only way to keep love alive.

This is true even when others' freedom leads them to sin against us.  The pain we feel is not our fault, but it is our responsibility to deal with... But, many times people do sin against us when exercising their freedom, and we are responsible for dealing with the injury.  If we don't, we will stay stuck in a blame position, powerless against their sin.  This "victim" mentality keeps many people stuck in their pain.

Many, however, do not take responsibility for their lives.  (Again, I'm not saying "fault," I am saying responsibility.  It is not my fault if I get hit by a truck, but it is my responsibility to learn to walk again.  No one can do that for me, but they can help me.  I must own the injured legs and begin to exercise them.)  they remain stuck because they want other people to change.  They want others to make it better, and often those people will not.  As a result, they are in bondage to others.  Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away...  This is the essence of powerlessness...

Part of the forgiveness process is to call sin, sin.  We must confess how we have been sinned against in order to forgive.  However, after an appropriate period of blame, we must begin to take responsibility for the mess that someone else's sin has left us in.  Our situation is part of our property, we must own it and deal with our feelings, attitudes, and behaviors to get unstuck even if we did not cause it.  (The bold and italics are mine for emphasis)

I thought he did such a great job describing what "is" and "is not" our responsibility!  For so many years I wanted Tom to change!  I "disowned what was mine and tried to own what belonged to others".  I tried to "pout, cry out angrily, send guilt messages, and attempt to control" him for 21 years...  Then, God showed me the "plank" in my own eye and I started to take responsibility and deal with my own attitudes and behaviors and things started changing for the better.

I pray that these words minister to your heart as much as they did mine!!  I would love to hear your thoughts on this!

What is a "Right" relationship with God...?

We had a small but very good ladies group on Thursday night.  We talked again about "knowing" God and what that means...  Oswald talks a lot about having a "right" relationship with God... (here is an excerpt from Oswald's Aug 30th devotional: Jesus Christ is saying here, (in Luke 10:20) "Don't rejoice in your successful service for Me, but rejoice because of your right relationship with Me." The trap you may fall into in Christian work is to rejoice in successful service --- rejoicing in the fact that God has used you. Yet you will never be able to measure fully what God will do through you if you have a right-standing relationship with Jesus Christ. If you keep your relationship right with Him, then regardless of your circumstances or whoever you encounter each day, He will continue to pour "rivers of living water" through you (John 7:38). And it is actually by His mercy that He does not let you know it.Once you have the right relationship with God through salvation and sanctification, remember that whatever your circumstances may be, you have been placed in them by God. And God uses the reaction of your life to your circumstances to fulfill His purpose, as long as you continue to "walk in the light as He is in the light" (1John1:7).  So, with these conversations and Oswald's words, the Lord is really prompting me to think about and process this question a little more.  When Tom and I were talking the other day about this subject I realized that I spent a huge chunk of time as a Christian thinking I "knew" God.  I read the Bible and I believed the story's and served Him in the church... what more can I do?  Then, I thought, "now, if I read an autobiography or biography about someone, would I "know" that person just because I read a book about his life?"  I had read Oswald's biography and learned a great deal more about him and his life but I certainly couldn't say that I actually "knew" him!  Is that what we do as Christians with God??  Do we read the Bible and then think we "know" God?  Then Tom remembered an episode of Star Treck the Next Generation.  Here is what he said (this was written by him):

There was a great analogy in a Star Trek TNG episode where Geordi is trying to do something with the Warp engines and needs the help of a woman who did the design work on them but she isn't on the ship so he creates a "holodeck" program of her and works with her to resolve the problem. As they work together they start to bond but this isn't a real person, just a compilation of the information the computer has on her. Later in the series she does come on board the ship and is very different from what Geordi had experienced of her on the holodeck.

That's how our walk with the Lord is too. We learn facts and information about Him from His Word and form an image of who He is but that isn't the same as actually KNOWING Him. Walking with Him, talking with Him, being with Him, letting Him reveal Himself through His Word is entirely different from just reading about Him.

Not that reading the Word isn't important but it has taken on a whole new dimension in my life as I allow Him to reveal His Word to me rather than my trying to figure it out and put things together. 

The other difficult aspect of trying to get to know God is all the elements of how we perceive God and the things we learned about God from our childhood, our earthly father and the churches we attend... As I write this I wonder how we are not doomed to failure...!? How can we possibly tackle all of these elements and truly know God?  But, the good news is, we do have hope in that it is NOT about us and our abilities to be able to figure Him out but all about God and who HE is!  When we desire to seek and pursue to KNOW and love God with ALL of our hearts, ALL of our minds, and ALL of our strength, To desire and pursue to seek FIRST His Kingdom and righteousness, and to desire topursue to ABIDE and REMAIN in Him...  I believe that is when He begins to reveal himself (I say "desire and pursue" in all those instances because as hard as I try, I am very unsuccessful at "accomplishing" these things most of the time!).  God knows our hearts and He knows our desires better than we do and I believe He will reveal Himself through His Holy Spirit when we surrender our lives and our desires and trade them in for HIS desires for us.  AND we have to remember that relationship with anyone does not happen over night but that worthwhile and real relationships are established over years of time!  We can't be anxious about our relationship with God and we can't expect it to just "be there" because we read the Bible.  We need to be "Mary's" and sit at the feet of Jesus, looking into His eyes and allowing Him to teach us about Himself over time.

Here is a question for you;  Did you invite Jesus into YOUR life or did you GIVE your life and heart to Jesus?  The difference being, trying to fit Jesus into the life YOU have decided for yourself, or surrendering your life to Him and desiring the life HE has for you?

Father, I thank you for showing me these little insights as to what truly knowing You is all about.  Help us all Lord to set aside our incorrect idea's and reveal the lies we have believed in each of our lives that keep us from truly knowing You and having a real and "right relationship" with you! In Jesus name, amen!

Linda's Journal: God's AMAZING Provision!

I had mentioned in another blog posting about "Being held by God" when our car was overheating but I hadn't followed up with what God has done since then.  One of the cool things about completely relying on God is that we get to watch Him do some pretty amazing things!  Lately we haven't had very many "surprises" financially so things have been pretty "status quo" as far as our provision has been concerned. But, this last month we have been hit by several surprises!... But, as I watch God work, I am seeing more and more that He is never "surprised" by anything!  We may be surprised but He isn't and has already made provision for us! We have been doing this for a couple years now but I am continually amazed at how big, and awesome God is :).

So, back to the car. I had called our friend Bryan (who is a mechanic) the day the car was overheating but, unknown to me, he was vacationing at the beach that week and wasn't available...  which is why God had made provision for us to get Cecelia's car (Big Blue) that day for as long as we needed it.  When Bryan got back in town, Tom was able to drive the car to Bryan's shop and he fixed it for us... FREE of charge! We were not expecting that! We even had people tell us that they would pay for the repairs but he would not take anything. Lord, I pray that you bless this man 100 fold for his wonderful generosity!

Next, we usually get a certain amount once a month from a friend who feels led to support our ministry which we use for our car insurance and our cell phone bill. We receive it anywhere between the 9th and the 15th of the month because the bills are due at that time. We usually don't even think about it because it is always there when we need it. Well, we got a surprise gift from someone, very unexpectedly, for the very same amount so we assumed it was for the repairs of the car... since that was still going on when we received the money.  But, what happened was, the person who normally gives, forgot for some reason this month to do the transfer! So, God had provided the same amount from another source to cover us so we could pay those bills on time! God was not surprised! He knew before we did that we were not going to receive the normal donation in time so He provided it another way :)

The next blessing occurred when we got the cell phone bill this month! Apparently I used my phone much more than normal and went WAY over my minutes so the phone bill was double what it usually is! Ooops. But again, God was not surprised and laid on some ones heart to give us the amount that we were over the normal bill, unexpectedly... So, needless to say, I am watching my minutes much closer now!  :)

Next, we are driving home from dropping our grand daughter Tuesday night when we suddenly heard our tire making a noise like it just went flat. Tom pulled over pretty quickly so we could check it out but when I got out of the car and looked, the tire wasn't flat at all!  But, when I took a closer look at the tire I saw that we had picked up a BOLT and the head was sticking out far enough that it made the noise that we heard...  OK!  Well, we made it home and the bolt actually stayed in the tire and kept the air from coming out but for how long we did not know. So, Tom and I were looking at our finances and trying to work out a way that we could get a new tire with what we knew was coming in that week. I worked for Marteen on Wed. and she gave me $50 so we set that aside. Then on Thursday night, my ladies group met and one of the ladies handed me some cash...  She had never given me anything during the couple years I had known her so this was a surprise to me! I asked her what it was for and as she was walking away, she just threw her hands up and said "I don't know!" She was just being obedient to what God was telling her to do. At that time I just stuck it in my pocket because other ladies were coming in but took it out later and counted it... she gave me $100 dollars!! With what Marteen gave us and that, that was our tire money!!! God, once again, you knew what we needed and provided it in a way that only You could make happen.

So, that last thing I wanted to mention was that when I was vacuuming out Big Blue before we returned it to Cecelia, I sucked up something that that vacuum did not like...  I started smelling something burning so I shut it off.  We could not figure out what the problem was until Tom took it apart.  Fortunately, we were able to repair it ourselves for only $20 for a replacement part! That may sound silly but when you get attached to a Kirby, nothing else can do the job so we were very happy that the "fix" was simple, easy and inexpensive :)

These are just a few of the many ways that God blesses us by meeting our needs when we need it and even when we don't know we need it! God is not surprised by anything and He always comes through for us at just the right time :)

"I never KNEW you..."

I had this really cool revelation when I was describing the difference between faith, relationship and religion to my son last Saturday.  I was telling Adam that God wants to have a relationship with us and as we believe in Him and pursue Him, that is when He reveals Himself to us. He doesn't reveal Himself to just anyone... only to those who REALLY desire to know Him. So, Adam was sitting at the kitchen table and to emphasize this thought I said "let's say you and I are in the same room and your sitting there and I acknowledge you but then continue doing my own thing but not really showing much interest in you. I may look at you once in a while or even have a light conversation with you but over all, I am too busy doing my own thing. You probably wouldn't be prompted to share very much of yourself with me because I don't seem very interested in finding out more about you. But, let's say I come up to you, look into your eyes and say with sincerity 'I am interested in who you are. I would really like to get to know you better! Could you please tell me more about yourself?'" And I said to Adam, wouldn't you be more willing to share yourself with someone who is really interested in you rather than to someone who just acknowledges your presence every once in awhile?

Later on that night as I was thinking about that analogy I realized that I spent the majority of my Christian walk as the person who acknowledged Jesus as being in the room but I was so busy "doing" things for him and "showing" Him how much I loved Him by doing all the things I thought He wanted me to do... Saying "look at me Jesus! Look at all the things I have done for you!  Do you want me to do more? Or, let me run over here and do this for you!" But never really coming to Him, looking at His face and saying "Lord, I want to KNOW YOU! Show me who you are!" The story of Mary and Martha comes to mind! I was Martha all those years but now, I want to be Mary!! I want to sit at the feet of Jesus and look up into His face and hear what He has to say!! I am so done "doing" for Jesus! Now, all I want is to KNOW HIM!

So, this morning when I woke up I started thinking about this again and the scripture "I never knew you" came to mind: "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' Matthew 7:22-23  Oh my gosh! That is what He meant by that!  So many of us spend our lives doing this and that for Jesus or doing things "in His name" but never desiring to really "KNOW" HIM! "I never knew you..."

When I shared this with Tom he said "what are the things God disliked the most? It was IDOLS and SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. Tom said that Jesus will not share us with anything or anyone else... If we desire to have other things, or idols, in our lives that mean more to us than Him, He will not force His way in and He will allow us to have those other things. But, we have to realized that we have made our choice as to who we are serving...  And He will not reveal Himself to us.  

And then self-righteousness states, "I don't need you, I can do this on my own!"... Boy, that so clearly describes me for most of my life!! I was so independent, not needing anyone for anything! Doing things for myself first and then if I needed help I would ask but I took pride in being able to take care of myself..."  Then Tom said, "What is the significance of 'becoming like little children?' "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3  Being like a child is all about our DEPENDENCE upon HIM not on ourselves! And in Matthew 11:25 He says "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children."  When we become too full our our own knowledge about God, we feel like we no longer need Him but instead, we need to be "needy" and "dependent" upon Him like little children before "these things" will be revealed to us...  I believe that what will be "revealed" to us is the revelation of who Jesus is!

Oh Father. Forgive us all for placing so many things before YOU our loving Heavenly Father! Help us Lord to desire YOU above anything or anyone else in our lives. Help us to set aside our own idea's of who we are or what we need, help us to set aside our hopes, our dreams our wants and needs and embrace all that YOU have for us! Trusting you like little children to meet all of our needs and fulfilling the desires of our heart... that only You really know because You created us!!  We think we know but we have been raised by the world and have believed the lies of what we want and need. Help us to surrender and to submit all of ourselves and our lives to YOU and You alone. In Jesus name, amen!

Linda's Journal: August 19, 2010

So, to follow up with my last entry, Faye and her family decided to take off the oxygen mask that was keeping her alive, turn up the morphine and let her pass away in her sleep and the day that was selected was Saturday, August 14th.  This is the same day as my son Adam’s birthday.

At this point in time, I need to tell a little side story, Tom and I have been lamenting over the fact that we have not seen our son for over 8 months!! The last time we saw him was on Christmas Eve at our daughter-in-laws family gathering. I have made so many attempts to get together, emailing them many times, calling him, calling her… with no success. I would go from one emotional pendulum swing of "I can’t let them think this is ok! They have to know that we miss them soooo much!"  To, "I am going to stop trying, leave the ball in their court and wait for them to contact us".  But mostly we just missed our son so much, even bringing us to the point of tears, and could not understand why they had allowed so much time to go by without seeing us… Geeze they only live about 30 minutes away for goodness sakes!!

So with that being said, after much persistence and emails, we finally managed to set a date to have them over for dinner for our son's birthday last Thursday night! YAY!  We were so excited and we really looked forward to seeing them again. During the dinner I was able to share my heart and let them know that we were not ok with not seeing them for 8 months!! And we really impressed upon them how important they were to us and how much we wanted them to be in our lives more. They apologized and took responsibility and promised they would do a better job of getting together with us. During the evening we asked what plans they had for his actual birthday on Saturday. They surprised us by saying “nothing”! I had assumed that our daughter in law and her family were planning something but she said she just got confirmation that she had the day off and had not planned anything yet. So, they invited us to join them for the day…  Wow, two days in one week!! It has been so hot lately that all “outdoor” ideas were nixed so I finally said, just come over in the morning and I will make you a “birthday” breakfast and we can just hang out here at the Inn for the day.

So, that is what was going on Saturday morning in my world. I was so torn between being with them and being at the hospital with Faye!! After breakfast, which actually turned out to be more of a “brunch”, I decided to take a few minutes away and go to the hospital to see Faye. I got there at just the right time that afternoon.  All four boys were there along with all of her local family and the room was packed! Just after I got there they all decided to share what they loved the most about her before she went into her morphine induced sleep. It was so cool to hear all the words of love, funny comments and stories and to be able to share my own words of love and appreciation with her before she died... sort of a "eulogy" before her death! I was so glad that I was there in time to be able to participate in that! Then,  after a little while, I went back to the Inn to hang out with our son again. After a wonderful day of reconnecting and hanging out together, they decided to leave after dinner and dessert at around 8:45.


When I looked at the clock and saw how early it still was, I decided to go back to the hospital to see what was going on. I got there at around 9:15 and the crowd had thinned out, the room was dark, Faye was sleeping and everyone was just quietly waiting. Then things started to happen. The nurse came in and said she noticed a change in her heart rate and said that it wouldn't be much longer. Sure enough, after a period of just minutes, all of her vitals started to shut down and the last thing to go was her heart. We were all standing there watching the monitor and watching her go... something I have NEVER experience before. I suddenly felt compelled to do something...  to pray or say something... it just seemed like such an important moment to just let slip by so I asked if I could pray. They all agreed and prayed with me. I thanked the Lord for allowing us to have this time with her and released her into His hands, thanking Him for taking good care of her as she crosses over from this world into His arms... Then her heart stopped and she was gone, it was 9:35pm, just 20 minutes after I got there (I told everyone later that I thought she was just waiting for me to get there, lol)!  It was the most amazing experience I have had in a long time. I felt as though I could see heaven open up, with the Lord standing there waiting to receive her...  like both worlds were in the room at the same time. As we were walking out of the room, one of the family members asked me "How did you know when to come back? None of us would have known how to pray like that!"  I just said, "I didn't know but God did!!"

Father, once again You amaze me. You knew my heart and desire to be at both places at the same time so You worked it out for me! Lord, I thank you again for allowing me the time I had with Faye. What an amazing blessing she was to me!! I am thankful that she is no longer in pain but at home in Your arms. I look forward to seeing her again! But now, Lord, I ask that you would be with Gerry.  After having Faye as her room mate for 10 years, she will be sorely missed by Gerry, not to mention the loss of her only surviving sibling. I lift up Gerry to You now and ask that you hold her tight and comfort her as she goes through this time of grieving and mourning. In Jesus name, amen!

Linda's Journal: Being HELD and directed by God...

Last Wednesday I had an incredible day with the Lord that I felt like I needed to write down and then last Saturday I had another amazing day so I decided to write it all down so I wouldn’t forget God’s amazing faithfulness… not that I have done that yet but just in case…. :)

Before I get to last Wednesday, I feel like I need to go back to Friday, July 30^th.when Faye had her surgery to remove a cyst from her bladder.  I hung out with Gerry for most of the day while Faye was in surgery and when she was done Cecelia and I made sure she and Gerry were all set at home.  Faye went through the surgery well and was fine that night but then started to decline over the weekend.  On Monday, August 2nd. (Monday’s are my usual days with Gerry and Faye) Gerry called me in the morning and asked me if I could come early and help her get Faye to the emergency room because Faye was having a lot of difficulty breathing. So, I did and we got her to the emergency room so they could do what they could for her. I do have to say that It was quite an adventure for Gerry and I to accomplish that task with her catheter and oxygen hoses and trying to get her dressed, down the stairs and in the car!! 

So, once we got there it was mostly a waiting game as we waited for blood tests, breathing treatments, and x-rays to happen. Faye was dozing off and on during this time and while she was resting, it seemed like she was laboring more and more to breath. The doctor came in at one point and said that they would give her one more breathing treatment and then send her home because they didn’t know what else they could do for her. I wasn’t real sure that was a good idea so I went out and talked with the nurse about it. When the nurse came in, she agreed that her breathing was not good and talked the doctor into doing a CAT scan so they could see if there was a blood clot or something causing the problem. In the mean time, they gave her something to relax her in the hopes that it would help her breath better. When they were taking her to run the CAT scan they told us that it would take 10 minutes to do the test and then 30 minutes to get the results so Gerry and I went for a walk to get some fresh air and stretch our legs (it was about 3:00pm by this time). 

When Gerry and I came back to Faye’s room, there was a lot of commotion going on with a couple nurses and a new doctor attending her… she was going into respiratory failure! The doctor was asking her if she would give him permission to intubate her and get her on a respirator to save her life but the drug they gave her relaxed too much and she wasn’t understanding what was going on. So, Gerry and I walked in just as he was saying, “You are critical and you won’t survive unless we get you on the respirator!!” Wow! We went from, one doctor saying she is fine and we will release her to her being critical and not surviving the night!! Both Gerry and I had to take a seat as tears sprang to our eyes as the gravity of the situation his us. We had to make some phone calls to her boys to get the permission the doctors needed to put her on the respirator but by the time we got it together Faye had rallied and she wasn’t in such critical condition. What we found out was that they never did get the CAT scan because she started going through repertory failure before they could get her in the tube so they aborted the procedure to stabilize her. That was the beginning of a very long two week ordeal with Faye in the hospital.

So now we can fast forward to last Wednesday. It was my day to be with Marteen so on my way to her house I called Gerry to check in and get an update on Faye. Gerry told me that the doctor had called a family meeting for 4pm that day because he wanted to discuss Faye’s situation with them. Gerry wasn’t sure what he had to say but felt pretty strongly that whatever it was wasn’t good. I told Gerry I planned to stop by the hospital on my way home from Marteen’s between 5 and 5:30 so I could find out what the doctor said. While I was talking on the phone the car started to act a little funny. I was almost at Marteen’s but I was still on the phone so I pulled over under a shade tree to finish talking with Gerry and then the air conditioner went out. Then I noticed a light displayed that I had never seen before but I was distracted so I rolled the windows down, finished my conversation and then drove to Marteen’s. When I parked the check engine light came on and it sounded like something was boiling!! But, I just dismissed it and got to work at Marteen’s. 

It ended up being a very short day with Marteen.  I got everything done that she needed me to get done so she sent me home early but asked that I drop her library books off on my way home. It was about 2:30 so I was excited that I had some extra time to play with. My sister-in-law asked me to stop by an assisted living facility to visit her best friend’s mother who was recently transferred to Cary so I thought this was a great time to do this. So I dropped the books off and then the air conditioner went out again and that funny looking light went on again. So, while I was driving I dug the cars manual out of the glove box and found the meaning of the light and it said it was a “coolant” light!  I, for the first time, looked at my temperature gage and it was peaked out at RED HOT!!  OMGosh!! I had to pull over!! I was really close to a restaurant I knew so I pulled in there and when I did, steam started pouring out of the hood of the car so I grabbed my purse and jumped out just incase anything was going to explode!  Oh, did I mention that it was about 102 degrees outside??? We have had an incredibly HOT summer and this was one of the hottest days!

So, I slip into the restaurant thinking it would be nice and cool with air conditioning… NOT! It didn’t feel much cooler in there than it did outside! But at least it was shady! So, I call Tom and let him know what is going on and he had me look under the hood and describe the situation to him. There wasn’t anything visibly wrong, no water spraying out anywhere other than the pressure valve for the coolant overflow so he had me call Bryan. I called and left him a message and then waited for about a half hour in the hopes that the car would have a chance to cool off. While I was waiting, an employee at the restaurant offered me some water while I waited! That was so cool! I took him up on his offer since I was sweating like a big dog and it looked like I was in for a long hot ride home.  He hooked me up with a nice tall cup of Ice water as well as some water for the car.  

That was my first stop where God met me with all that I needed! The assisted living home was just up the road a piece so I thought I would make that my second stop so that I could be visiting with Joan while my car cooled off. I pulled into that parking lot just as the temp gage was peaked at hot again so I planned to find water on my way out the door to fill her up again. After my visit with Joan I looked around and really couldn’t find anything or anyone to help me get water so I went out to the car and popped the hood again. Just then a truck pulled in right next to me and a very nicely dressed couple stepped out and asked if I needed help. I let them know my car was overheating and that I just needed some water so the guy offered to go get some for me. He comes back a few minutes later with two other guys and two jugs of water! They hooked me up and told me that it looked like it was my thermostat that was broken and they were the nicest guys ever!  Two of them were dressed in suites and ties out in that heat to help me out (I found out later that they were both "big wigs" over the place)!!  That in itself was quite heroic in my book!!  That was God’s appointment number two :) 

I wasn’t sure how far I would be able to go but I had a destination in mind that I knew was shady but as it turns out, I only got a couple miles down the road again before it got hot again and there happened to be a gas station right there so I pulled in. I had consumed about half of the cup of ice water I got at my first stop so I thought I would refill with more ice and water here. I asked the employee if he had anything I could use to put water in my car and he gave me a bucket and showed me where the faucet was outside. I was also able to buy a gallon of water to take with me because the next place may not have water available. That was God appointment number 3!  

So, I waited again for the car to cool off enough to add more water.  Fortunately I was able to park in a shady place while I waited for the car to cool off. By this time it is almost 5 o’clock and all I really wanted to do was get to the hospital to see Faye and talk with Gerry!! So, I hit the road again and I was praying I could get to the place I had originally wanted to get to from the assisted living home. I did end up there but I had to push the car and drove it hot a bit longer than I really wanted to. So, as I am pulling into the shaded parking spot, with steam billowing out from under the hood again, I see a women going to her car directly across from where I parked (across from the median of trees). She saw me and started walking towards me so I got out and told her I was having troubles with overheating and she asked me if I needed any help or if she could give me a ride someplace!! She saw my cross necklace and said “Hey, I am a Christian too! My name is Carol” God appointment number 4!! I got to that spot just in time for Carol to see me and offer me a ride so  I made it just in time for that appointment!  

I told her I was trying to get to the hospital to see a friend and she agreed to take me there. We talked about the Lord and "God appointments" all the way to the hospital and I got there at 5:10pm… two and a half hours from when I left Marteen's… soaked through and through with sweat but so amazed at God and how He took care of me all along the way!! But He wasn’t done yet!!  

When I got there, Peter, Dana, Cecelia and Gerry were all there. So I told them my story up to that point and Cecelia had loaned Gerry her blue Durango (AKA “Big Blue”) and had asked me to help her get it back home earlier in the week so she said, "I can take you to Gerry’s  and you can use Big Blue as long as you need to!!" God appointment number 5!! The fact the she was there when I got there was amazing because she is hardly ever there at that time!! When I was describing this to someone later that day I told them that I felt like I was being "held" by God through the whole thing... He literally held my hand, guided and directed each of my steps and made sure I was taken care of. He is SO cool like that :)

So the news from the Doctor was; Faye was using an oxygen mask about 90 percent of the time and only took it off during meals because she was having such a hard time breathing without it. He said that eventually that mask would not be enough for her and she will start gasping for every breath she takes. He recommended that they take the mask off now, before it gets to that point, and give her a steadily increasing amount of morphine to help her relax and go into a deep sleep and let her pass away in her sleep instead of gasping for her last breath. He felt like that would be the least traumatic and most humane way for her to go. So, all of Faye’s boy’s flew or drove in from PA and NY to spend the last day or two with her before she passed. This was quite amazing since some of them had not seen her or each other for over 13 years!! There were some “family” issues that kept them apart and Faye’s last wish was that she would be able to see her boys before she died. So, the fact that they all came was truly an answer to prayer!!

On Friday I went to the hospital, knowing the boys had all arrived the night before and had a chance to see her and the doctor and make the decision as to what they were going to do and when. As I was walking up to her room I saw three of the boys talking with the doctor so I went into her room and met the fourth, and his son. It had been about 13 years since he had seen his mother so her condition was quite shocking to him!! When the discussion in the hallway ended they all came in and the doctor started talking with Faye about her choices again. I was surprised because I thought they had already discussed this but as it went on I realized he was just reiterating it. What they had not discussed the night before was “when” they would take the mask off and start the morphine so that is what the doctor was asking Faye to decide at this point.  This was a tough thing to watch!! The doctor was in essence asking her to decide when she was going to die. She requested one more day to be with her boys and told the doctor to start the process the following morning. That was quite a moment!

When the doctor left it was just me, Faye (who is very hard of hearing), and Faye’s four boys and her grandson (who was 27) in the room. I was struck by the amazing reality that all four boys were all in the same room together!! With Faye... and realizing that her last wish and prayer had been answered!! So I said “Wow, I can’t believe I am in the same room with all four of Faye’s boys!! I feel so privileged to be a part of this wonderful event!” I told them that Faye had told me so many wonderful stories of her past with them and how she shared so many fond memories with me that I felt like I knew them before I even met them.  

Then I said that if Faye’s death is what brings them back together again, then her death will have a special meaning and God will get all the glory for restoring her family again. It was another major moment in time! God’s timing placed me there at just the right time to be able to share those thoughts with them with no one else in the room but us.

Remember who the REAL enemy is....

From a wives perspective of her husband’s addiction, it is so easy to get caught up with the things of this world and of the “flesh” and completely forget that there is a “spiritual” side to everything.  Especially in regards to our husband’s sexual addiction and when the impact of that addiction hits our lives so hard and painfully. We see the “person” (our spouse) as “the enemy” and the cause of all this pain, difficulty and heartache so we turn against them and start blaming, accusing, criticizing, correcting, fixing, judging, rejecting… you know all those things we do to protect ourselves from more hurt, pain and betrayal. All those feelings are real and valid but we need to ask ourselves a very important question: “What are we accomplishing by doing and saying all those things?” Are we fighting the battle correctly? Are our tactics working or making it worse? As Dr. Phil likes to say, “How is that working for you?” For me, it didn’t work AT ALL and, after over 20 years of trying, I discovered that this defense mechanism actually made things worse and seemed to dig us even deeper into the pit we were already in.

But one day, God gave me a new perspective (one of MANY in my journey of healing and recovery) and a vision that I could not see before. He helped me to rise above the temporal to see the situation from my husband’s perspective and from the spiritual side of things and when He did that my attitude did a complete 180. It’s almost like the Lord lifted me up out of the muck and mire of the flesh, hurt, pain and details of this world and my circumstance and helped me to see the “spiritual” side of things. I suddenly had a heart of compassion and love that wasn’t there before. I could finally see that my husband was NOT the enemy… He was a victim just as much as I was! Not that he isn’t responsible for his own actions and behaviors, because he most certainly is, just like I am, but he was deceived and got caught in a trap that was far more dangerous and costly than he ever thought imaginable and he can’t get out of it on his own… no matter how hard he tries. The enemy, knowing his weaknesses, baited and trapped him using the sexuality that God created him with, and set out to systematically destroy him, his marriage and his family.

The Lord showed me the constant battle my husband faces each day in the world we live in. The constant sexual images in the streets, in magazines, movies, sports ads and programs, TV shows… and the office he worked in, the restaurants, grocery stores and places he goes are all filled with provocatively dressed women… everywhere he goes he is surrounded by the bombardment of sexual enticement!  He is constantly at war with the very thing God gifted him with; his sexuality and visual stimulation. Wow. That was an eye opener for me! The world is dominated by Satan’s influence so he has complete control over the media and everything that goes over the airwaves (he is “the ruler of the kingdom of the air” Ephesians 2:2) and most if it is targeted at our husbands and children… we are at WAR for our very marriages and families and our spouse is NOT the enemy.

What I realized was that, in my “incorrect” way of dealing with this situation, I added to his difficulty each day when I beat him up verbally and emotionally over the things I thought he was doing wrong… I made it my job to correct him. I made his home a “war zone” instead of making it a place of peace and refuge from the storm and the battle grounds he was fighting in each day! I had to ask myself, “would ‘I’ want to come home to ‘me’ each day?” Am I making his home a place where there is peace and safety, comfort, love, respect and security? My answer was a clear and resounding “NO”.  When I realized this, I had a visual image of our home as a boxing ring and my husband and I are boxing it out against each other in the ring, and then I saw that there were other opponents in the ring (the enemy and his gang) boxing us out as well. We were divided and defeated as we fought against each other. Then the Lord showed me the way we were supposed to be fighting and that is back to back (or side by side), fighting the REAL enemy together. We are most certainly defeated when we are separated, fighting against each other as well as trying to fight the spiritual forces of this dark world. But together, fighting arm in arm, back to back, protecting each others backs in support and prayer, we have a fighting chance to succeed with God’s help!  

In 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 it says “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  So now, whenever I get those negative thoughts about my husband, and/or have the urge to “help him out” with negative correction or accusing comments I keep my mouth shut (most of the time anyway) and I pray for him! I lift him up for protection, strength and courage to make the right decision everyday. I pray for wisdom and for protection for his mind from the constant visual images he deals with each day. I pray that he will make the right and Godly choices that he truly wants to make in all situations. And, I leave the “changing” of my husband to God! Then I pray for myself that I would be the wife he needs me to be, supporting him and praying for him, and that I would always remember who the real enemy is so that I can “fight the good fight” (1 Timothy 6:12), fighting for and with him in the spiritual realm and not fighting against him in the physical realm.

Lord, help us all have a revelation of who the real enemy is! Help us to keep our eyes on YOU and the “spiritual” battle and not get caught up in the temporal. Give us Your eyes, Your strength, and Your perspective to fight this battle that only You can win. In Jesus name, amen.

God's Ministry of LOVE to us...

Oswald's devotional yesterday got me to thinking about something and when I shared it with a friend she encouraged me to write it down. So, I will let you read Oswald first and then I will continue:

The Inevitable Penalty

Matthew 5:26 - "I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."

There is no heaven that has a little corner of hell in it. God is determined to make you pure, holy, and right, and He will not allow you to escape from the scrutiny of the Holy Spirit for even one moment. He urged you to come to judgment immediately when He convicted you, but you did not obey. Then the inevitable process began to work, bringing its inevitable penalty. Now you have been "thrown into prison, [and] . . . you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny" (Mat_5:25-26) . Yet you ask, "Is this a God of mercy and love?" When seen from God's perspective, it is a glorious ministry of love. God is going to bring you out pure, spotless, and undefiled, but He wants you to recognize the nature you were exhibiting --- the nature of demanding your right to yourself. The moment you are willing for God to change your nature, His recreating forces will begin to work. And the moment you realize that God's purpose is to get you into the right relationship with Himself and then with others, He will reach to the very limits of the universe to help you take the right road. ...

When I read these phrases "God is determined to make you pure, holy, and right, and He will not allow you to escape from the scrutiny of the Holy Spirit for even one moment." And "God is going to bring you out pure, spotless, and undefiled, "  I had this vision run through my mind.  I saw "us humans" being dredged through the world of pain, hurt and yuckyness from the day we are born until the day we meet the Lord for the first time and give our lives to Him. In our time in the world we pick up all sorts of bad things, bad attitudes, thoughts, misunderstanding of who we are and who He is, not to mention all the things that have been done to us... abandonment, rejection and abuses of all kinds so we come to Him dirty, scraped, cut, broken and bruised as well as emotionally, spiritually and physically a mess... 

So, dirty, grimy, broken and bruised we present our lives to Christ. The thing about this is that we don't really see what we truly look like and the condition we are in at this point but God does. We are just so happy to be with Him but He sees it ALL and He is filled with love and compassion for us like a mother who sees her lost child returned to her all dirty, hurt and scratched up. He knows all that it will take to clean us up and heal our wounds and it is because He loves us that he begins to wash us down, and scrub our wounds... knowing that it will hurt us, but also knowing that we need it in order to make us "pure, spotless, and undefiled". Then, as I watched God cleaning us up, I saw how much we complained and fought against Him, trying to pull away from Him because it didn't feel good when He scrubbed behind our ears or when His touch down right hurt us... especially when He touched those deep and painful wounds that needed special attention and care.  If we don't see what God is really trying to do we will continue to pull away, like a hurt and frightened child, and not let him attend to us like He so longs to do. If we don't understand that He is making "right" what has gone "wrong" in our lives we may view Him as a mean parent and avoid Him and His ministry of Love to us. He so wants to embrace us and sanctify us but He will NOT force us to do this...  we have to come to Him and allow Him to make these changes in our lives, clean us up and heal our wounds. It will not always look the way we think it will or feel the way we would like it to feel, but He is so very faithful, loving, kind, compassionate and so worthy of our trust.

This reminds me of a story in Ezekiel 16:4-6 "On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised. 'Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, Live!"

Got wants us to "LIVE" and not just "survive" or "get by", He wants to scrub us clean and make us right, pure and holy so that He can embrace us and we can reflect Him in our lives and live for Him and His glory.

Father, I pray that we can see through Your eyes of love the things that you desire to "clean up" in our hearts and lives and allow you to do what you need to do without running away from you.  Give us the strength and the courage to stand still, not fighting or resenting the job you need to do but willingly lay on the altar all the things that are not of you that need to be removed or healed.  Thank you Lord that you love us so much despite the condition we are in when we come to you each and every day of our lives.  Help us not to "demand our own rights to ourselves" but allow you to "reach to the very limits of the universe" to make us into the child you created us to be.  In your precious and wonderful name Lord Jesus, Amen!

With ALL of your heart….

The Lord has recently impressed the scripture upon my heart (once again) to “Love the LORD your God with ALL your heart and with ALL your soul and with ALL your strength.”  And in the Bible He says that THIS is the greatest and most important commandment of them all!  It doesn’t say to love Him when it is convenient,  when it is easy, when you have time, when He blesses you or even when you “feel” like it but with ALL of you, ALL the time.  

As I wrestle with this concept myself as to how I can possibly do this and what this actually LOOKS like I marvel at what we have currently defined it to be in our lives.  We say we “love the Lord” but then seem to be content with giving Him only 5 to 10 minutes of our time each day with a couple of “help me” or “help them” prayers and if He’s lucky, a couple of “thank You’s”  thrown in for good measure. Or if we are really good, we spend a couple hours with Him and talk about Him to some people throughout the day. 

But wait! His instructions get even better!  He tells us in this same scripture, in Deuteronomy 6 that His “Words” should be written “upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates…”  And in Deuteronomy 11 He say’s it AGAIN “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates…”  And with this scripture He prefaces it by saying “Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them”

Wow.  These scriptures are so powerful and so “all encompassing” and they are saying that we should be “consumed” with Love for HIM so much so that His words are upon our hearts and spoken from our mouths at every point in our day… or we will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods.

When I try to wrap my mind around what that scripture would look like in my own life, I think about what “love” looks like in the world.  The closest thing that I can come up with is when you first meet someone and fall in love and your mind and thoughts are consumed with that person all day long.  You think about him/her every moment, you can’t wait to talk with them and you look forward to when you can be with them again.  And when you are with them, you wish time could stand still so that you can be in “that moment” with them for all time.  You pour yourself and your time into that person and begin to build a relationship with them.  When I think about that, I feel like that is the LEAST that God is asking of us... of ME.  Do I love Him so much that all else fades away and is set aside for Him?  Sadly my answer is a disappointing “no”… but do I WANT to be there?  In this case, my answer is a resounding “YES”!!  But how do I get there??!!

I know I am not the only one that struggles with this.  The enemy has done an amazing job of pulling us away from our “first love” and has convinced us that we “need” to have the “American dream” or even better yet. that “God” wants us to have it!  We believe hat God wants us to have the homes, the cars and all the “good things” that the world and life has to offer and we even believe that those things are His “blessings” for us… but all those “things” actually take us and our time away from Him!  In order for us to be able to afford these things… that He has supposedly “given” us, we have to work mega hours, focusing on our jobs and not Him.  And when we are home we need to take care of the house, mowing the lawn, painting, doing repairs, making improvements, doing yard work… And by the time we are done with all of that work we are so exhausted we sit in front of our big screen TV to relax and gel out.  And we think that “this” is what He wants for us??  Stress, exhaustion, financial burdens and ZERO time with Him?  Some how I can’t reconcile the Deuteronomy scriptures with what most of our lives look like today…  I believe we have been deceived and we have been “enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them” and still we believe we are doing what God wants us to do!??

One of the “key” components of the enemies “American dream” is FEAR. The more you have the more fear you have of loosing it! You work and you sweat and you sacrifice your relationship with God, your family and your health to climb up the corporate ladder to earn a six figure income… (Or something like that) to collect your many possessions that signify and represents your successful life… but in reality, all of that could be swept away in a heart beat!  A layoff, sickness, a fire, economic decline, bankruptcy… could sweep away all of your work and efforts in a blink of an eye!  These two scriptures come to mind when I think of collecting things on earth and the concept of “retirement”; Matthew 6:19-21 - “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” And Luke 12:15-21 - “Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." ‘But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God”  Based on these scriptures (and there are many more like them!), I have a hard time believing that God would want us to invest so much of ourselves and our lives for the “things” of this world and not in HIM.

So then eventually, in our pursuit of the “American dream”, we wonder why we have no joy, why God seems so far away and what happened to my marriage and family…?!  Why is my spouse leaving me for another? Why are we in such financial distress, physical decline and an emotional wreck?  WE HAVE BEEN DECIEVED!  The “American dream” was not God’s idea!  The whole concept of working your tail off during the prime of your life, to collect things and money so that you can one day “retire” and finally live the life you’ve always wanted to live is a LIE and a trap… And dare I say bondage?  I hear God’s heart for us to choose HIS way when I read the scripture in Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

When I read the scriptures in Deuteronomy I envision the instructions to be something like the way we would think about living our life and seeing our future with a “job” or “career”.  He asks us to commit our lives to “loving” Him and “living” Him.  To going to school to “learn” about Him and get to know Him and then invest the rest of our days serving Him (as He leads us in our gifts) and then, when we do this, we will be reaping the benefits of our service to Him as He pours His blessings upon us... or actually I should say, as He pours “Himself” into us, because we even have a “tweaked” idea of what His blessings are too!  But, what I think is happening is that the deception is so great, we believe, using this analogy, that we can show up to our jobs for 5 or 10 minutes a day, or at best, a couple hours a day, and most of the time hang out with our co-workers chit chatting, and then go home to do what WE want to do!  And then we expect the company to pay a full days wage plus provide the promised benefits and then we get upset and indignant when they don’t hold up their end of the bargain.  That is the work of the master deceiver!  When you look at it that way you can’t help but see the ridiculousness of it all!  In Oswald Chambers April 15^th entry he says: “God wants you to be entirely His, and it requires paying close attention to keep yourself fit. It also takes a tremendous amount of time. Yet some of us expect to rise above all of our problems, going from one mountaintop experience to another, with only a few minutes' effort.”

Unfortunately, another added difficulty to our quest is that we have been raised in the society of “instant gratification” and have to battle the constant message of “I want what I want, and I want it now!”…  Waiting on God, working hard to develop spiritual strength and investing your time in getting to KNOW God, sacrificing your fleshly desires is NOT what is encouraged in this world around us…

One good way to find out how serious God is about something is if he repeats it a couple of times in His Word…  So the following are the scriptures I have found that say this, and things like it… but these are just a “sampling” of what is there…:

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 – “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.  Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates…”

Deuteronomy 10:12 – "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you except to fear the LORD your God by walking in all His ways, to love Him, and to worship the LORD your God with all your heart and all your soul?”

Deuteronomy 11:13-22 - “So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today--to love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul-- … Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them…  Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many…”

Deuteronomy 13:3 – “do not listen to that prophet's words or to that dreamer. For the LORD your God is testing you to know whether you love the LORD your God with all your heart and all your soul.”

Deuteronomy 30:6 – “The LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the hearts of your descendants, and you will love Him with all your heart and all your soul, so that you will live

Joshua 22:5 – “Only carefully obey the command and instruction that Moses the LORD's servant gave you: to love the LORD your God, walk in all His ways, keep His commands, remain faithful to Him, and serve Him with all your heart and all your soul."

Matthew 22:36-38 - “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”  Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment."

Mark 12:28-31 – “One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?" The most important one, answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

Luke 10:25-28 - “On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"  What is written in the Law? he replied. "How do you read it?" He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind' ; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' " You have answered correctly, Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."

Psalms 119:1-20 – “Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the LORD. Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands. I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me. How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Praise be to you, O LORD; teach me your decrees. With my lips I recount all the laws that come from your mouth. I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches. I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word. Do good to your servant, and I will live; I will obey your word. Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law. I am a stranger on earth; do not hide your commands from me. My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times.”

Psalms 1:1-3 – “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.”

John 15:4-7 – “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.”

Psalms 12:6 - “And the words of the LORD are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times.”

1 Peter 1:24-25 – "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever."

2Timothy 3:16-17 – “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

Hebrews 4:12-13 – “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”

Father, I pray for all of us right now and I pray that we would learn to “walk in Your ways” and follow your decrees and to Love you with ALL our hearts, minds, soul and strength!  Lord, show us what that looks like for each one of us!  I know that we each have been created for a different and specific purpose for service in Your Kingdom, teach us how to work for YOU in YOUR kingdom and not for the prince of this world. Help us to not “be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them” but to serve you only! Open our eyes to see the life the YOU desire for us!  Please take the scales and the blinders off and help us to see YOUR truth and walk in Your ways.  In Your mighty and precious name I pray, amen!