As promised in my last blog, this entry will list some of the things I have had to die to in my walk with the Lord. What I list here is certainly not an exclusive list containing “all” of the things I have died to by any means… and I know that I will continue to have to die to things now and in the future. Part of the reason is that these silly things keep “resurrecting” themselves and I have to crucify them over and over again! Just when I think I have gotten rid of something, it raises its ugly head yet again in another shape, form and circumstance. But, it is weaker and I am more familiar with it and how to kill it so, each time it does get easier.
The first segment of “death to Linda’s flesh” deals with my marriage. Tom and I have been married for almost 32 years now but, about 11 years ago, I was ready to throw in the towel. After 21 years of constant struggles and unhappiness I told the Lord that I was “done!” I was through with trying to fix my husband and my marriage and I couldn’t do it any more. Do you know what the Lord told me then? He said “Good! Now that YOU are done trying, let me show you what I can do”. The next 10 years has been an amazing transformation of both of us. But first, I had to die to my self-righteous pride of thinking I was better than Tom and feeling like it was my duty to “fix” him by informing him of all the things that he was doing wrong. I tried for 21 years, with no positive change, but when I let go of fixing “Tom” and started working on “Linda” (“How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” Matthew 7:4), I saw God transform my husband right before my very eyes! My first task was to “shut up and pray!” (Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian) Anytime I wanted to “fix him” or “correct him”, I would bite my tongue and pray for him instead and I was AMAZED at what God started doing, not only in Tom but also in ME. I was humbled to my core when I started seeing the ugliness of my heart and realized that I was so focused on Tom’s faults that I was not seeing my own and how short “I” had fallen of being the wife that he needed me to be. I had become such a self-righteous, judgmental, critical wife that I didn’t even want to be around me! It is so much easier, and less painful, to see others faults than it is our own (and don’t we feel duty bound to inform them of these things!?). But “I” am the only one I can change and when I died to my “pride, self-righteousness and my need to be “right” (of course this is still a work in progress!) my marriage started a transformation process that truly only GOD could do. But “I” had to step out of the way and let GOD do it and it transformed us both.
When I read over this, “marriage in a paragraph” just now, it sounded so “simplistic” and “Fairy Tale” like and it truly does not capture the pain and the tears of this transformation process. Believe me when I say, this was one of the HARDEST things I have ever done in my life!! There has been LOTS of heartache, pain and tears over these last 11 years!! Wanting so badly to stop trying and end this painful process. Death to our flesh is NOT an easy thing for anyone!! But, there was heartache, pain and tears in the first 21 years as well yet there was no progress and no healing or restoration, just constant destruction and dismantling of each other and of our relationship. This time around, the result has been a greater love and an intimacy with each other, and with Christ, that I never knew was possible! I would have to say that God’s way of doing things was MUCH better than mine and worth every bit of pain and suffering I had to go through,and will probably continue to endure as this process continues because I certainly have NOT arrived!
The second segment of “death to Linda’s flesh” came over a period of time from 2007 – 2009 when God called us “out” of the “corporate world” and into full time ministry with Him. Tom had been laid off from IBM since 2004 and was pretty much serving the Lord full time already. I was still working and doing ministry and I was VERY thankful that Tom was home taking care of the household chores which freed me up to do ministry in my free time instead of the house work and errands. But, my heart truly desired to serve the Lord with ALL of my time. I knew that it would happen one day, in God’s perfect timing, but who really “knows” when that will be!? It could be weeks, months or even years! So, I set my heart to wait on Him and was pleasantly surprised when it happened sooner rather than later. There is so much to this story but, to make a very LONG story short, God made some promises to Tom and I but they did NOT look AT ALL like we thought they would! He called us out of our house, our cars and all of our “things” to follow and serve Him full time. He kept telling us over and over again to “trust Him” no matter what things looked like. Since then, He has been faithful and true to His word and has returned one of our cars and set us up in a Bed and Breakfast that is fully furnished and we do not pay for rent or utilities!! We can now serve Him without a huge overhead and need for lots of money. His instruction to us have been very clear in that we are NOT to ask anyone for anything and we are not to charge anyone for the services and counseling we do but to completely trust in Him for our provision, financially and spiritually. It has been truly AMAZING to watch Him work and provide for us over and over again! During this time I had to die to the “control” of my finances and my credit. I had to die to caring about what others thought about me and what I was doing (my integrity and credibility) and I had to let go of everything “material” and die to thinking that I “needed” these things to make me happy. This was yet another one of the HARDEST things I have ever had to go through but God’s faithfulness has FAR surpassed any expectation I have ever had. We are now in our 4th year of serving Him full time and still have not asked anyone for anything and have not charged for anything we do and God continues to provide for us miraculously over and over again! I have journaled this story because it was so traumatic, stretching, life changing and amazing that I wanted to make sure I remembered it all and then felt let to post it for anyone who wishes to read it at this website: http://www.simplechurch.com/profiles/blogs/2303672:BlogPost:27877
This last segment of “death to Linda’s flesh” is a fairly recent experience so it is still tender and fresh in my memory. God has asked me to “let go” of my son…to die to my right to “fix” or “change” or expect him to “do” a certain thing or “be” a certain person. Isn’t that what we do as parents? We raise our children with expectations of who they should be or what they should do with their lives? Then, when they DON’T do these things we are disappointed, angry, upset and frustrated and then we try to “help” them see the error of their ways. Earlier this year my mind went down the road of how sad I was that my son was so unhappy, due to some choices he has made, and I got so emotional that I was sobbing uncontrollably over his unhappiness. My heart grieved over him and I desired so much to "fix" the situation (here I go “fixing” again…). It was then that the Lord spoke so very clearly to me. He told me that there was a reason and a purpose for him to be going through these things. And, who was I to determine what was right or wrong in his life and I needed to stop trying to be the "armature providence", wanting to rescue him from a situation that GOD himself has allowed for HIS purposes and Glory? Then I heard Him say that, if I could not contact him without an ulterior motive with an attempt to manipulate or guilt, coerce or "fix" the perceived problem, I was NOT to contact him... Then He reminded me that Adam is NOT mine but His to do with what He will and I need to "die" to him as being my son. This has been really hard for me... but the more time that goes by, the more peace and freedom I feel in this situation. My prayer is that I can completely detach and watch God do amazing things with “His” son.
Father, I thank you for helping me to die to the things that keep me from living in peace and in freedom and from “seeing” YOU. Yes, these deaths of my flesh have been very painful but, so very freeing in the end. Thank you for helping me, not only to see these things, but also giving me the strength to put them to death. All I want is to be FREE to love you without hindrance and to see you clearly without the filters that distort the truth of who you are. With all my heart and life, Linda :)
No comments:
Post a Comment