I wanted to follow up with you regarding our lunch meeting last Saturday. As usual, we had a really good discussion and God showed us and reminded us of some very important things. One of the things was regarding our "expectations"... Are they set correctly?? I know I spent many years being angry at Tom for things he "was" or "wasn't" doing... which he basically ALWAYS or NEVER did accordingly We have a tendency to "expect" certain behaviors from our spouse that we feel are "reasonable" expectations, based on what we have heard or have been taught... BUT are they realistic and reasonable for OUR spouse?? If you are in my group, chances are good that your husband is an addict of some sort. Are we expecting them to be normal?? Are we expecting them to do things that non-addicts do? Every once in a while I need to review what my expectations of Tom are and do some adjusting according to what I discover them to be. If you have never done this, start off by writing down all the expectations you have of your husband. Then go through and ask yourself "has he ever done these things?"And then "has he done them in the last few years?" If he has never done them or hasn't in a few years, remove them from your expectations list and ADD them to your PRAYER list. Don't NAG HIM but petition God for those needs to be met in your life and allow HIM to make the needed changes in your husband and/or you. If you do this, chances are good that you will be less angry and disappointed with your husband.
Another expectation question is; "Are we still expecting them to think, communicate and behave like a women?" I have always said "of course men are different than women, anyone can see that!" But then I would still get mad at Tom for not seeing the things I see (i.e. the overflowing trash, dirty bathroom, clothes on the floor....), or do the things I would do... Some how the "logical" fact that they are different didn't seem to sink down into my expectations of him!! I still expected him to think and behave as I would even though I understood that he was different... somehow, there was a serious disconnect somewhere in there! Not only that but we are also dealing with a difference of how "men" express themselves. I think I can safely say that men and women speak two different languages! For example: Let's say I say to Tom, I don't feel loved, accepted or treasured. My love languages are "acts of service" and "quality time" and his is "physical touch" and "words of affirmation". Soooo, being a MAN and a man with different love languages, he attempts to show me love by complimenting me and touching, hugging and kissing me when I am trying to get something accomplished and then inviting me to sit and watch football with him and then suggest we make love!! In HIS mind, he is trying to fulfill my desires to feel loved, accepted and treasured but I walk away angry and irritated because, in my mind, those needs were still not met and it just seemed like he was being selfish and meeting his own needs!! Can you relate to any of this?? But the truth is, he truly WANTS to show me love and treasure me but we just speak such different languages we keep missing each other. Then, when I react with anger and hurt, he is dumbfounded and walks away feeling rejected and discouraged and wonders why he even tries!! I have decided that I need to be a student of my husbands "man speak" and his "love languages" and quit expecting him to think, act and behave like I would!!
Last but not least, another thing that we talked about was how women tend to avoid sex while that seems to be the very thing our husbands want most from us! There is A LOT to this subject that I will not even attempt to go into at this point but as I was processing it over the weekend, I had a thought; Why is it that we (women) have the mindset that we are "giving" of ourselves when our husbands want to make love instead of seeing it as an opportunity to "receive" something from our husbands? For most of my marriage my mindset was "I have poured myself out throughout the day and I have nothing left to give....", (which is so wrong on several different levels) but, isn't that something that HE GIVES to me too?? Rather than feeling like it will "empty" my tank even more, wouldn't it instead be "filling" my tank?? (no pun intended here... :)) Anyway, I just thought I would run that by you guys and see what your thoughts were on that.
Have you prayed for your husband today?? Here is a Power of a Praying wife prayer for you :
Lord, teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love. Where love has died, create new love between us. Show me what unconditional love really is and how to communicate it in a way he can clearly perceive. Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything (Amos 3:3). May the God of patience and comfort grant us to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus (Romans 15:5). Make us a team, not pursuing separate, competitive, or independent lives, but working together, overlooking each other's faults and weaknesses for the greater good of the marriage. Help us to pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another (Romans 14:19).
"Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9
With much love and prayer,
Your servant in Christ,
Linda :)
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