This month has been a POWERFUL time of growth and understanding for me. The Lord continues to speak to me of His desires and truths. Yesterday’s Oswald He spoke to me again about how we tend to go to HIM for “a drink” (His blessings) when WE need to be giving HIM “a drink” and pouring our hearts and lives out for HIM, being “broken bread and poured out wine”: “Jesus said to her, 'Give Me a drink' " (John 4:7). How many of us are expecting Jesus Christ to quench our thirst when we should be satisfying Him! We should be pouring out our lives, investing our total beings, not drawing on Him to satisfy us. "You shall be witnesses to Me . . ." (Acts 1:8). That means lives of pure, uncompromising, and unrestrained devotion to the Lord Jesus, which will be satisfying to Him wherever He may send us.” I had never seen the “women at the well” scripture like that before! Never seeing HIS request for a drink!! How many times does He speak to us like that and we totally MISS it!
This mornings Oswald was another “forehead slap” and a reminder to NOT undertake “God’s” plans in my own ways, timing and strength: “Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in "the shadow of His hand" (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a "darkness" that comes from too much light --- that is the time to listen. The story of Abram and Hagar in Genesis 16 is an excellent example of listening to so-called good advice during a time of darkness, rather than waiting for God to send the light. When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word…”
And the scripture he used was: “Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment.” (Isaiah 50:10-11)
OUCH!! A few years ago I woke up one morning with the words “Walk in the light as I am in the light” almost audibly spoken to me. I wasn’t really sure of what He was trying to say but I meditated on it and prayed about it for a long time. I know of the scripture in 1John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” Oswald uses this scripture many times throughout the year so it is always coming back at me and I always pray, Lord show me what you are trying to tell me. But I haven’t really “gotten” it until this morning… well at least one aspect of it anyway! When I was reading the Isaiah scripture above, it reminded me of that scripture again and then as I continued to read I realized that I have been “lighting my own torch”!! I have been trying to walk in MY light instead of the light of God which Jesus walked in!! He walks in the light of God’s direction and timing and I keep trying to light my own torch and walk in my way and my timing! Oh Lord, thank you so much for this insight and forgive me for my sin of “self sufficiency” and not waiting on YOUR timing and walking in the light as You are in the light. Please show me how to walk this out and give me the strength to follow in YOUR footsteps!!
This next thing falls right in the line of “me” trying to do “God’s” job and walking in the light of my own torch. This last year I have been like a bulldog regarding my son and his wife and trying to get them to spend more time with us. I have hounded, pressured and coerced them and have probably done more damage than anything else. I don’t know why I have felt so “driven” to do that… but at the beginning of this year God said “STOP IT!” After reading the Awareness book I realized my actions were driven by emotions (of which I am still processing and trying to determine what they all are) instead of just waiting and allowing them to be who they are and live their life the way they want to. I felt the Holy Spirit say to me “until you can contact them without any ulterior motives or this “driving” emotion, do NOT contact them”. So, I haven’t called, texted or email them since He gave me those instructions… and it has been really HARD at times! But, the more time that goes by, the more peace I feel about “letting go”. I do know that part of this “emotion” is that I miss my son terribly but I would much rather have them “want” to spend time with us than have them feel “obligated” or “quilted” into it. So, my goal now is to “walk in the light as He is in the light” and WAIT on God for His timing and let HIM work out all these things in HIS way. Father, forgive me for lighting my own torch in this situation and thank you for showing me before I did too much more damage… I trust in You to do this the “right” way in Your perfect timing.
Another wonderful thing that just randomly started happening is, when I wake up in the morning I started praying “Your will be done Lord, not mine”. And initially this was in regards to when I got up in the morning. I have my alarm set for 6am and sometimes I get up and sometimes I don’t. But either way, I seem to have “issues”. If I get up, I don’t want to and I grumble about wanting to go back to bed, but if I stay in bed I feel guilty and think of all the things I could have gotten done if I had just gotten up… I am a mess!! I do have to say that there are times that I do get up without grumbling and joyfully start my day and I pray that those will become more the norm than the exception! So, again, because this was not a “conscious decision” I am not sure where this random thought came from… well, maybe it do :) But I have felt this amazing sense of freedom to let GOD dictate when I get up! Lord, You know what I need to get done and when my body needs to rest so, I will trust YOU to wake me up and help me to start my day in YOUR light and not my own!! So now, I have carried that “conscious thought” into my whole day… Lord, YOUR will be done and not mine! I know I have said that my life is God’s to do with what He will, but now I am speaking it out and being even more aware and intentional of how I need to take MY hands off of the life I gave to HIM. It is no longer MINE to do my will but I need to be more conscience of when I start to take the wheel again so that I can let go and “walk in the light as He is in the light”… in surrender and obedience.
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