As usual, the Lord is working something out in me. My journal entry of the things going on while Tom was in CA was missing some of the turmoil that was going on inside my heart and mind. I was taking the bait the enemy was laying out for me with negative thoughts regarding Tom and I was hooked and the enemy was reeling me in! I, once again, was stuck thinking about all the things Tom does not do instead of the things he does do and found myself getting angrier and angrier. I was not pleasant towards him at all and I know that the “hot weather” here was not the only thing keeping him from wanting to come home! During our flight home we got into a very heated argument which set a negative tone for reentry into NC. Fortunately I have some really awesome friends who listened to me rant and rave and then said some things to help set me straight. Then the Lord took over and, once the anger cooled off a bit, I was able to hear Him speaking to me again. I was convicted yet again of focusing on the wrong things and allowing the enemy to drag me away from the truth, listening to his lies and seeing things from the wrong perspective.
In January, when Tom and I went to DC to visit Steve, God showed me that I do something I had never realized I did before. He showed me that I have a tendency to “set Tom up to fail” in many ways and circumstance so that I can maintain my anger at him! God played back a situation in my mind that happened in DC and showed me that I had a choice to let Tom know of something or not. If I had said something to Tom, things would have been good, but I chose to NOT say something and then felt justified in becoming angry and throwing that situation in his face to maintain my anger…
Since that time in January I have thought about that off and on… but mostly off. But, upon our return from CA and between my friends and the Lord, I have been chewing on that more and more. Since our return from CA things cooled down but there was still an underlying tension that kept some distance between us. I spent a lot of my time processing things and catching my thoughts and taking them captive and seeing just how twisted I was perceiving things. The Lord was really showing me how “passive aggressive” I was!! I had not really thought of myself in those terms before but… I can’t help but see them now! I saw how so many times my actions and thoughts would set Tom up and I really tried to stop doing that and if I did the Lord kept reminding me that I had no right to be angry if it was my choice to not communicate. So, this last Thursday night Tom and I set some time aside to hang out together because things have been so busy we haven’t had much time with each other… which I think we were both ok with at that point. But, the Lord had been working on me to the point where I was no longer angry at Tom but sincerely sorry for the way I had been thinking and treating him. So, at dinner I was able to tell him all these things the Lord was showing me and apologized for my thoughts and passive aggressive behaviors. I even described some of the situations in which I had set him up and then took responsibility for them. Well that opened the door for Tom to share some things that were on his heart too and we had a wonderful night of emotional reconnection. It felt good to be able to clear the air and feel close to him again.
So then, yesterday I got a call from one of my friends who had moved away and she just had to call me to share that she got the book, Power of a Praying Wife and how much it has been helping her. She confessed to me that she had not been praying for her husband except “Lord change him”! She was talking a mile a minute and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise so the Lord sparked a thought in my mind while she was talking. I started thinking about the first time I read that book and how I also had not been praying for Tom because I was SO ANGRY with him the last thing I wanted to do was pray for him!! Then I thought, there it is again! What is up with my desire to continually be so angry at Tom?? Then the Lord brought into my mind the thought of my mom… and then the light went on. Oh my goodness. I still have anger towards my mom that I have not dealt with and it is all pouring out on Tom! You know they say that you marry the parent that you struggled with the most… Tom is SO much like my mom in certain area’s that I am sure he is triggering things in me that are still wounded from my childhood. The anger that I did not feel as a child is now bubbling up and flowing into my life and relationship with Tom. Wow. Now I am in the process of figuring out those area’s where my mom really let me down so that I can allow this anger to flow out in the right direction so it won’t flow out on Tom anymore!!
God’s planning is so perfect. Today’s Oswald also spoke into this situation and is helping me to complete this picture:
A spiritually vigorous saint never believes that his circumstances simply happen at random, nor does he ever think of his life as being divided into the secular and the sacred. He sees every situation in which he finds himself as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ, and he has an attitude of unrestrained abandon and total surrender about him. The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do.
How many times over how many years have I struggled with these thoughts of anger towards Tom??!! Over and over again I have struggled with this anger (mostly during my PMSing) and I am just now GETTING IT!! Wow. Talk about a slow learner… But, I have to believe that it is all in God’s perfect timing and believe that I couldn’t have gotten it until now. As much as it would have been nice to get this earlier, the impact on me is much greater now, after struggling with it for so long, that I am determined to really dive in and get to the bottom of this.
Lord, thank you for your amazing patience and loving care that you exhibit in our lives. Our parents may not have done it right but You do and You love us so much that you desire health and wholeness in all area’s of our life… Mind, body, emotions and spirit. Thank you Lord for these revelations and for the grace to receive them. Help me to continue to process and get to the bottom and the root causes of my anger and help me to release it in a healthier way. In Jesus name, amen!
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