Linda's Journal - July 25, 2011

As I was reading in the True Vine this morning Andrew’s prayer at the end was so applicable to the next step the Lord is speaking to me about.

“Lord Jesus, in the faith that Thou art my Vine, and that I am Thy branch, I accept Your command as a promise, and take Your “even as I” as the simple revelation of what You do work in me. Yes, Lord, as You have loved, I will love.”

On Saturday, when I met some ladies for lunch, I was sharing my recent revelations about my mom and how that has been changing my perspective and relationship with Tom.  They asked many questions about my childhood and relationship with my mom back then and then one friend asked me if I loved my mom…  Hmmm.  That was a question I had not ever really thought about.  My initial unspoken response was “no”, I don’t think I really ever did “love” my mom.  And then that thought triggered a similar revelation I had about 10 years ago that I didn’t think I ever loved Tom either.  Again, there is a connection between my mom and Tom.  With further processing I was thinking about why I didn’t love my mom and it is mostly because I don’t think I really ever “knew” her enough to “love” her. I had so many defenses up protecting my heart, from the negative, I also blocked out the good. And evidently, that transferred into my marriage as well.

I have continued my quest to discover the ways in which my mom loved me and I am beginning to see her with new eyes and a new heart.  I can see so many times when she attempted to do something for me which I rejected and I remember times also that my actions and defenses hurt her as it showed her where I was and my lack of love and understanding of her heart and desire to love me.  Because of that I think she put up defenses too… we both wanted the same thing but our defenses shielded and prevented the very things we desired from each other.

Lord, it is only by YOUR love can we truly be healed and then are able to love others with that love.  Help me Lord to truly embrace the love you have for me so that I can in turn love others with THAT love and not my own, selfish, twisted and ineffective love.  “…Yes, Lord, as You have loved, I will love.”