Tom and I were reading Oswald the other day and he used the scripture in John 13:38 “Then Jesus answered, "Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!” the version Oswald used said “the rooster shall not crow before you disown me…” That put a whole new perspective on that scripture for me!! It was like the rooster HAD to wait until Peter disowned Jesus three times before he could crow! I could totally see that the rooster was a part of God’s plan to help teach this lesson for Peter. Only God could command a rooster not to crow… He is such an amazing and awesome God where every little detail is planned and accounted for… even the crowing of a rooster, wow.
I was thinking the other evening about doing the “intimacy” study and then it dawned on me that that must be the reason why I felt the hesitation from the Lord on starting the “Love and Respect” series!! I have had the email in my “drafts” folder for about a month now and I have not felt released to send it yet and I think now it is because the Lord wanted us to do the intimacy study! Now it all makes sense. I am so glad I waited and didn’t send it out when I wanted to!
Speaking of the intimacy study, the other night when Tom registered us for it I started thinking about what God would be doing with us in this study. I know I still have so much hidden in my “emotional closets” that He needs to bring out…. I started thinking about my issues with emotions and why I have them and how, for so many years, I had to shove down such HUGE emotions. I started crying when I was thinking of this because I started to feel those emotions already. I know that what I have come through in my emotional healing is just the tip of the iceberg and there is still so much more waiting to be released. Part of me is scared and part of me is excited… I know it will be hard but I also know that there is FREEDOM on the other side! As big as those emotions are that are daunting and scary to me now, God is SO MUCH BIGGER and can fill those places much better with His love and grace than those other emotions ever could or did. Thank you Lord for your strength to endure so that you can set me free!
Speaking of God and His bigness. I accidently left my cell phone at Elena’s last night (for some reason I have been forgetting a lot of things lately!) and when I realized that I didn’t have it, I felt a surge of… I guess panic would be the best word (although I am very embarrassed to admit that I felt that) when I realized just how much I relied on that phone!! I use it as my clock, an alarm clock, and it is my life line to the ladies, my family, pretty much every thing I do… When those feelings started to come, I reminded myself that even THIS situation and circumstance was not an accident and God knew very well what was going on and had a plan to use it for His Glory in one way, shape or form (my circumstances do not make me what I am but they reveal WHO I am). Then, I heard the Holy Spirit say to me, “Do you rely on ME as much as you rely on that phone?”…. oh my! That was a very good question!! I had to think about that for a minute… which was sad in and of it’s self. Do I rely on the Lord and the Holy Spirit as much as I rely on my phone? Well, you know, when I thought about not having the Holy Spirit, I realized that I probably relied on Him more than I am consciously aware of. I think if for some reason He was suddenly gone out of my life, I would REALLY notice it and realize how much I relied on Him and needed Him. But then, this situation also made me realize all the ways I DON’T rely on Him!! Just like my phone, there are features, or apps, that I have never used before… not that they are not available to me, but that I just haven’t taken the time to sit down and learned to use them. Oh Holy Spirit, I pray that You will help me to learn more about You and all the “features” you offer me that I have not taken the time to learn to use yet!! I feel like I have available to me amazing things but I am so ignorant of how to step into You and how to allow you to flow through me so that others are blessed and You are Glorified! Please take my hand and show me more of You!
You know, this reminds me, in the book that I am reading “A better way to pray” by Andrew Wommack, I feel like he is talking about things that are close…. but not quite there for me. I am not real sure I agree with all of His theology so I hesitate to step into what he says about how to pray because I don’t want to add to the “lies” I have believed but I do want to add to the Truths of God’s Word… Like I have mentioned before, I like things that challenge me and make me think about what I believe and why, but I want any changes that are made to be used to help me grow in the right direction, towards God and His truth, and not away from that goal. I am still praying about what Andrew is saying and asking the Holy Spirit to confirm or deny these things so that I know where I should go next. I know I don’t “have it down” as far as prayer but I certainly don’t want to go backwards and thinking I am going forwards. But then again, I don’t want “fear” to keep me from moving into the Truth and allowing the Holy Spirit to use me more than before. What I do know is my focus needs to be on the Lord… His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to me!
Thank you Lord for Your perfect will and Your perfect timing. Thank you that I can wait on You and know that You will show me all that I need to know, when I need to know it. Help me to keep my eyes on You and trust you with the rest! In Jesus name I pray, amen!
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